Deathbed Regrets

I was always following, listening and hearing the message. I can’t say always, because I didn’t know who she was until maybe the last two to three years. Her voice is not foreign to me. Her messages were only whispers before. Now, I am a fucking cheetah. 

Glennon Doyle’s book Untamed hit me upside the head beginning March 11th, 2020, at her book tour evening at the Tennessee Performing Arts Center. This is also the day before the Covid-19 pandemic took control of my work, my family and our lives. I sat in a crowded theater right next to my best friend. I hugged people, shook hands with people, and didn’t wear a mask. I was out of the house at night, in public. Seems like it was so long ago. 

Along with an evening of listening to Glennon and her wife Abby Wambach, everyone attending got a copy of the book.I began reading it the next day. Wow! Through this time, I became an even more devoted participant in her Instagram posts and stories. As time has passed, we have social distanced, school was canceled, and we have sheltered in place. For a few weeks now, Glennon has hosted “Morning Meeting Times.” In her latest, she talks about Deathbed Regrets, specifically using the example of writing and telling your story to others through that medium. With ears perked, I heard her speak directly to me. 

This is what has led to this post. A practice that I am not good at and failed too many times to count. But, here I am again. Writing to you, whoever you are. For this new practice, her success came from moving away from the self critique. At her start, she meddled and picked apart so many posts that nothing was ever completed. Shocking! I counted in my saved documents and I have nine other potential entries that I have never finished. I questioned my abilities, and to my own detriment, didn’t trust myself. I am attempting with this entry her practice of writing for one hour a day. Posting whatever is there at the end of the hour. It will be what it will be. 

It is possible that I may be able to do this daily. I hope so. I also plan to take out the links and media. This took so much time away from my writing. So, what do I want to write about? 

My last post “I Am Mostly Afraid of Bubba”, I was at the height of anxiety concerning Covid-19. With the help of my medical provider and good friends, I have adapted to the process of living, working and being in a family during a pandemic. However successful I may feel about this, I still do not see humanity handling our new normal well at all. Only yesterday, I found myself in a ‘Jay-Z walk it off’ moment after being on a news site for less than five minutes. Today, my soul felt tired. My brain hurt. It’s like the air was being slowly let out of me. During some overdue time in nature, a close friend texted me. One thing about having anxiety and being in a pandemic, if you ask me how I am doing, I am likely to really tell you. You have been warned. I explained how I felt yesterday and today. She shared that she hadn’t been her best self either recently. We both do not have a reason to feel this way. That’s what it feels like to be a person with a large amount of empathy as well as emotional intelligence. It is almost as if I can take on the feelings of others by only breathing. It is like I feel a sense of uneasiness and it comes from nowhere. The most difficult part is that I do not know where the suffering is coming from so I can do nothing to alleviate the suffering. Until I find the person or people suffering, I have to hold it for them. 

My current anxiety is how I am handling my communities’ rush to “get back to normal.” I am torn. I want businesses to open and my friends who are at home be able to return to work. But, I know this will lead to illness. Hopefully not a lot of this virus will be passed to others, but it is inevitable. I do have hope that people will practice the methods that have helped us flatten the curve. This is how I can summarize getting back to normal. 

Buffalo Vs Cow

“When cows sense there is a storm coming from the west, they will run east, away from the storm. As we all know, cows are not the fastest animals in the kingdom and so the storms eventually catch up to the cows while they are still running east. The cows actually end up running WITH the storm and inevitably prolong the agony and pain of being in the storm. Buffalo’s have a very different response to storms. They wait for the storm to crest over the Rocky Mountains and then they run west INTO the storm. By running towards the storm they run thru it and minimize the time they have to deal with the storm.”-Ryan Jenkins

I guess we will be buffalo’s. 

I want to close with this:

This time is difficult for everyone. No matter what their feelings are at this time, how our government has handled it or how people are responding. The amount of stress is overwhelming for all people. The age, sex, class, religion, all the demographics do not determine how the person is coping. The Covid-19 pandemic has impacted all people. We should respond to everyone as if they are experiencing some level of grief. Unless you are from the Westboro Baptist Church, you wouldn’t shout unkindness to people who are experiencing the death of a loved one. You shouldn’t do that during this time. We all need to listen more and talk less. “Smile and wave boys, smile and wave.”-Madagascar

I have about 15 minutes left in the hour. That will give me time to pick an image and edit.

I did it! 

Please take care of yourself, 

Sally

 

I Am Mostly Afraid of Bubba

There are people in my community. We will call them Bubba. Bubba is married to Karen. You can’t identify them easily. They don’t dress a certain way. They don’t have a certain job. They don’t go to a certain church or even go to church…well what I call church. Bubba is educated or are they? It is not required. I know very well educated Bubba’s. They can’t be identified but we will see them soon.

Bubba has been preparing for this. Bubba is ready to protect his family and home. Bubba has a gun. Bubba has a lot of guns. Bubba also has access to ammunition and Bubba is protected by the 2nd Amendment. 

Access to Supplies: More than likely, Bubba has bought all the toilet paper and hand sanitizer. Bubba is fine as long as Taco Bell is open. But, when the fast food chains close, Bubba, who is still using the first pack of toilet paper and has only used a fourth of the first bottle of hand sanitizer, will start buying all the food. First, it will start with the high sodium, packaged foods, and then….Basically, when they shut down the borders to states including commerce we will see a shortage of basic necessities. Jump to Jean Valjean being put in jail for stealing bread. Bubba says, “let them eat cake.” 

Canceled: The number of events canceled by well established institutions is alarming. Once the structures that are a part of our social norms close, the safety and importance of them returning will be questioned. The sadness associated with this has overwhelmed me. Sports and enterainment events are what makes us who we are. Who are we without these?  Bubba gets bored pretty quick. Yes, there is going to be a baby boom in October, but on the other spectrum, what else is Bubba going to do? I’m afraid to find out. 

What’s next? I don’t know. But today; today I am going to help a friend, support local businesses, buy laundry detergent and go to the liquor store. I’ll have it all together and be sloshed while I have clean clothes. Bubba will have to figure it out and I hope Bubba makes good decisions.

Guess Who is Not Coming to Dinner

“I believe in recognizing every human being as a human being–neither white, black, brown, or red; and when you are dealing with humanity as a family there’s no question of integration or intermarriage. It’s just one human being marrying another human being or one human being living around and with another human being.”

― Malcolm X, The Autobiography of Malcolm X

It’s been 52 years since the supreme court ruled on its case Virginia vs. Loving. The couple, Mildred and Richard Loving married in 1958. To marry, the couple  had to do so in Washington DC. After their wedding, they moved back to Virginia to live with Mildred’s family. Richard, who worked in construction and began building a home for he and his wife to live in. On an early morning, the Virginia state police entered their bedroom and arrested them both for violating the state’s law against interracial marriage. In 1967, The Supreme Court ruled unanimously (9–0). The court struck down state’s statutes as unconstitutional under the equal protection and due process clauses of the Fourteenth Amendment.

As so many things have changed, so many things remain the same. 

I met a guy on Hinge. We met in person recently for a beer. The next morning, he asked me on a date. He said, “I sure wish I would have kissed you last night.”  It ended before it really began. 

“What do you think of me?”

“What did your friend think of me?”

“Have you ever dated a black man?”

Yes. He is black. I didn’t really think that was an important detail until now.

He already needed too much self validation with the first two questions. But what was that last question? “Have you ever dated a black guy?” Picture me reading, studying, head tilting and then mouth agape. 

He actually phrased it this way. “I realize it’s 2020, but I need to know if you’ve ever been out with a black man?”  

“Yes”, I say. But, I can’t stop there. I have a pretty good feeling of how this will likely turn out. I do love to poke the beast a bit. 

“ Let me ask you,  you ever dated a white woman?”

He says, “…to answer your question…I’ve mostly been around white women so I tend to get along with them better. Since I grew up (in a small town-smaller than dimple) and went to (a small high school) I was pretty much called white. From the way I acted, talk, dress, etc. Plus not all but I can’t deal with their attitudes.”

I had to read it three times. Still with my head tilted and mouth agape. The more I read it, the worse it got. I was already angry that he asked me if I had dated black men, but now you are going to comment about the perceived attitudes of women that you state previously you don’t have any real relationships or experiences with. So, I did exactly what a white girl would do. I texted my black girlfriends. 

They were extremely appalled and angered. Livid! These women validated my feelings and empowered me. Because that is what strong women do. Women who state their minds and have strong opinions are labeled having an attitude. People use labels like this when women have opinions or perceptions different from their own. It is easier to dismiss them with a negative label than listen. These women are brave, strong, smart, and important! I have experienced how quickly women can be written off myself. These questions and these thoughts are outdated, inconsiderate and racist. I determined this was unacceptable. 

Apparently, he got a little nervous. “I sent my response. Did you get it?” 

I continually attempt to be open to all people. The unity of my community begins with me. By accepting his date, I am making his judgmental assumptions acceptable. It starts and stops with me.

I said, “So, I am white and have dated mostly white men. However, I have dear friends who are black. And yes, it is outdated to ask those questions. I’m going to have to change my mind on our date. It was nice to meet you.” 

But these words are better. 

“If you judge people, you have no time to love them.” —Mother Theresa

Another 2019 Recap and an Attempt to Write Three Pages a Day

One of my favorite writers and podcast host Linda Holmes from Pop Culture Happy Hour tweeted this week that she dedicated to writing three pages a day. To justify my latest purchase of a new Chromebook is to write more. So here it is, I will be writing something equaling three pages a day. The daily writings may not be publishable, but I will put fingers to keys and write. 

Below are my accounts of what has happened in 2019 and ideas of what 2020 could be. My life has many categories. I have used the purpose of this piece to review dating, reading and health. These three seem to be what most resolutions are made of. The truth is, these are not my resolutions. I will entertain you as though they are.

My Dating Life

What is my current dating status? Really. I am asking. Because, I don’t know. I see people. Yep, that is a plural. Not on a regular basis, but there are dates. These dates are black and white. When you try to state the status, that is very, very gray. A status alteration requires a change to the previous status and in ten years there are no changes to speak of. Even when one would think I was “in a relationship” those were not true, life long relationships. These were more fluctuations in the activities of the heart or brain. Or;  body parts in other systems other than cardiac or neuro.  

My Reading Life

I fell in love with reading, book club, which leads to Goodreads and a “to be read list”. Weekly listening to Ann Bogel’s podcast What Should I Read Next and my first personal reading challenge of 2019. I set my goal at 12 books in a year. I am happy to report that I read 18 books in 2019. I look forward to setting my 2020 reading challenge goal at of course, 20!

This year, I read 18 books with a goal of 12. By the way, that equals 6,784 pages. I read most of these on Audible. I am not confessing in shame but in success.  You can research it yourself and find that the same part of your brain that is used for listening as it is reading on page or screen.

Some other statistics. Most pages read was The Shell Seekers by Rosmunde Pilcher, Shortest book is Searching for Sunday…most impactful. 

Some of my favorites; Becoming by Michelle Obama, City of Girls by Elizabeth Gilbert and Searching for Sunday by Rachel Held Evans. Not so grand: Three Women by Lisa Taddao,  Face It by Debbie Herry, Night Tiger by Yangshe Choo.

To start the 20 for 20, I have plenty to chose from. Goodreads tells me I have 292 to chose from. Sheesh, someone likes to shop on Goodreads. (Pointing finger at myself.) Thank goodness that Goodreads doesn’t charge me for T.B.R. 

I thought about starting with Nothing to See Here by Kevin Wilson. When I looked this up and sampled it, I am still interested, but not ready for it right now. 

I will begin with Queen Bee by Dorothea Benton Frank. Frank, passed away unexpectantly in 2019. She is a a southern literary heroine especially of the low country specifically. This is an area of the south I long to visit and I will one day. Surely there is a tour of the areas she writes about. 

At first I had chosen Jonathan Tropper’s One Last Thing Before I Go. It had been on my list since 2012 so why not. Then I sampled it. It will remain on the T.B.R. list for a minute or two longer. 

I don’t have a third. So if you would like to recommend a few titles, that would be greatly appreciated. 

Healthy “Survival”

This is the heaviest I have ever been. Everyday has and will be the heaviest I have ever been. Everyday, I feel the fat creeping around my neck and it is beginning to choke me. I have sleep apnea. Having an affair with Darth Vader is not all it’s cracked up to be. My last blood work results indicate that I am a borderline diabetic. To remedy or face these issues head on, I have decided to continue to eat. Because if I quit eating then I will die. Eating is a big deal, because if one doesn’t eat, one can not sustain. At this point I don’t feel I deserve food, but I am hungry. My attempts to lose weight have resulted in little victories and huge setbacks. To the point that I have a fear of dieting due to the weight I will gain within the dieting process. I understand the calorie intake, calorie output. I want to have a nutritionally rich diet. I am happier there. 

In the next few months, I will go to see a surgeon to discuss weight loss surgery. I understand the risk and the changes I will have to make. It will alter the rest of my days on earth. What will it do to my relationships, my family, my health. I want to state this clearly. I do not want to be thin. I want to fit comfortably back in a size12. Maybe a 10. To get there, I will need to lose 70 pounds. 70 POUNDS! Maybe I can have one M&M a month this way. 

Mental Health, I Am Very Aware.

On top of my physical health, even more worrisome is the change in  my mental health. For some time, I have battled small periods of time with depression. This year anxiety was added to the list. My first ever panic attack happened on a Sunday afternoon. I was trying to finish unpacking during our most recent move. I was running out of room. I didn’t have anywhere else to put anything else. I began to panic. I started to sweat, breathing rapidly, my heart began to race. Next thing I was aware of, I was laying in my bed screaming that I couldn’t breath. My face was as hot as I ever recall it being. It wasn’t getting better. What made it worse, I didn’t realize until later that my youngest had come by the house with her half sister and heard me screaming. I scared them. I scared myself. I finally found comfort laying on the floor. I didn’t feel that while I was able to finally unpack, my panic hadn’t decreased. It was only muted. I found my way back to therapy and back on medication. 

I continue to struggle. It feels that I am the only one trying. I have made the necessary changes to hopefully “get better”, but no one else around me acknowledges my efforts. In fact, they do the opposite. They behave worse triggering my sadness and anxieties. I don’t want to numb frustrations and allow bad behavior to continue. I think they thought my issues were the issues, but were they? Around the corner for me is a dosage increase.

Social Annoyance 

I have discovered that I do not have social anxiety. I have something worse. I have social annoyance. I will have to speak to my therapist about this. I find that the simple task of socializing annoys me. Tonight I met a good friend for happy hour. We had a lovely time. That wasn’t annoying. No one bothered us, but I feared that we would be constantly interrupted by those we didn’t intend to spend time with. That is what has been happening recently. I attribute this to my previous kind nature and willingness to be a friend to all. Is that over? Am I tired of being a friend. The efforts to be a friend to all can be exhausting. I was happier when I was more accepting of other’s company. Most of the time these meetings are short. Formerly, I would just be patient for it to end, knowing that it would. However, recently the ending is not in sight. The conversations go on, the ridiculousness continues and my patience wanes. I have made rude comments to them, rolled my eyes and held a facial experience that expresses anything but joy. Their presence in mine continues. To my social life’s detriment, I have found a way to avoid such potential encounters. I will not leave my house again. No, that won’t do. I believe the answer is to shrink my circle and find ways to make outtings more meaningful. I will inquire about guest lists to avoid the possible unwanted encounters. Does anyone else feel this is very snobby? Me too. However, for my sanity, we will try this. Now I realize that this goes against my enneagram type as a seven. After some time I may need to retake that personality profile. Going forward, my public presence will have purpose. Unless, of course, if the therapist has another idea.

Two and three quarters pages….this will do for a first go of it! I am back baby!

 

Men Smell….

When I was in high school there was an intersection of the main hallways. At peak times it was as near to herding cats as possible. As a 14 year old freshman girl, it was overwhelming. Then I began to notice something. I noticed it and I smelled it. It was not strong but it was there. I smelled Ralph Lauren Polo cologne.

I dated two boys that year that wore that cologne. To this day, I will brush its path and I am 14 again nearly being trampled by 1000 other students but swooning what I can not see but only smell.

This week I was embraced by a man in a coffee shop. He was a former coworker and we have remained friends. The next day, one of my dearest friends hugged me too in the same coffee shop. Both men wear cologne and they smelled AMAZING! They cared for me in those hugs in a way I haven’t been cared for in a long time. I felt accepted, nurtured and loved. Not a romantic love. I was truly content.

The thing about these smells, these colognes, they stayed with me. I carried those hugs and the nurturing aroma with me for most of the morning.

The sense of smell  is closely linked with memory, probably more so than any of our other senses. 

I also realized that, even without romantic love, I am cared for in a way that is safe, non threatening, and that doesn’t manipulate my feelings or actions. By being in relationship with myself first, I am cared for more and I can illustrate to others how they can care for me.

Surrounding myself with my girls, family and friends, rediscovering my happiness, finding the things that matter again. My personal senses have been put to the wayside, but only temporarily. I have repossessed my sense of smell and possibly, maybe even sooner, sight, taste, and touch.

Maximum Capacity

The maximum capacity for single parenting must be 14 and a half years. My own experience has dictated this verdict. It may be true if you and your partner are still in the same household but I have no way to measure this because I have been a single parent nearly my entire parental existence.

I no longer desire in any mode possible to meet the expectations of my children. I only long to sit and be left in solitude.

I no longer answer questions related to my wants or needs because no one cares. No one hears me. No one gives a damn what my expectations are or if I had a need to be fulfilled.

I only long to read 20 pages at a time uninterrupted. My only request is to see my plan and not to argue with it.

I write this on a trip…not a vacation. I got one beer in me after a horrendously long morning. I took to the patio to drink mimosas in peace and was undisturbed for 40 pages when the guilt got to me. I went to the beach, having a lovely time…opened the second beer and the goddamn tent fell. I bagged it up in a huff my oldest announced she was going on a walk.

If another human makes a request of me they will no longer breath this beach air. All this while feeling guilty that I have not started therapy or medication…I thought o could survive without.

In closing, this is the permission you need to continue with your selfish bad behavior all under the umbrella that others are allowed to behave this way while I live in the mental health shame of not “getting help” so I can put up with this bullshit.

Someone just asked me what I wanted to do for dinner. I told them the opposite in hopes that it will be remotely close to what I desire.

By the way. I have started writing again.

#firstworldproblems

#girlsofsummer

#runawaymom

Anniversaries, Hydration and Popcorn

I have started a Facebook Live series called Three Things. It is a way I can reach my readers in a more personal way.

In the blogosphere, I tend to aim for perfection. This is the main reason why there is so much delay between posts. I have at least four drafts that are continually being tweaked with no publishing date in sight. I will attempt to tie those blogs into Three Things and get those messages out. In the meantime, here are my recent Three Things.

1. Happy Anniversary Parental Units

41 years! So that means I turn 40 this year. (For another day.) Your marriage and parenting of my and my brother was superb. Through you I learned the value of a partner, what love truly looks like and how to find the joy and fun in everyday. Also, the value of work and to always be involved in your local community. When I marry again, I hope my marriage mirrors yours.

2. Hydration

School started back last week. It was a difficult transition for my family. We do summer really well. So well, that we squeezed in one last trip to the beach and caught the girls first Dave Matthews Band show. We missed their orientation and Back to School Bash. Anyway, the first day of school hit me like a mack truck! I posted my first live video on Sex and the Motherhood’s Facebook page. It was received with mixed reviews but I remain supportive of my thoughts in that moment. However, I did pause and wonder, why was I such an angry lady in that moment. Finally, it came to me. I had taken in little to no water that day. Huge light bulb moment! I will encourage you as I encourage myself, start your day with a large glass of water. While you are at it, roll on some mood enhancing essential oils. Patchouli and Bergamot are a few of my favs. Diffusers are abundant and affordable. Keep one going on high during big stress times…for me, all the time. I am always brewing something!

3. Popcorn

I found several years ago the most effective way to control my mouth at youth sports events was to snack on popcorn. This keeps me from shouting at the officials, my kids, other kids, other parents and cussing is only mumbled at the risk of choking.

I have now decided it’s a time in my life where I need popcorn at a moments notice. Mostly because I have become this person:

Recently at a town hall type meeting I literally took my own popcorn to watch how people responded to the different topics and they did not disappoint. Call me petty, you are probably right. But at least I had a snack and was able to leave the meeting with my head high and not embarrassed by the comments I kept to myself…or texted my friends in the meeting. But those who spoke, spoke with dignity, respect and positivity! Just what that group needed! You go momma bears!

If you have any topic you’d like to address for Three Things, comment below and I will do my best.

Take care and peace in your daily lives.

Sally

Taking Notes

I have started a new phase of dating advice. It was all started by the use of the word “maybe”.

Girl: Would you like to do something tonight?

Boy: Maybe

Maybe is a word for those who are undecided. The definition states “perhaps,possibly”. But for dating, the word maybe can mean:

• I have something more important to do.
• I’m waiting to see if someone else wants to do something.
• You are not worth the drive, effort, money, etc.
• I’m trying to figure out how to say no so I will buy some time and say maybe.
• I don’t have the balls to break up with you.

Or to put it plain and simple:

• Laziness and selfishness are a disease and masterbation is not the cure but easier than being vulnerable and putting forth effort.

The advice I give women for a maybe is:

TAKE NOTES!

Women have a creative, nurturing nature. Also, an ability to fill the day with a multitude of tasks. And if that women is working full time, raising kids, attending their activities, Click-listing her groceries and maintaining herself with hair, nails and waxing; she can still find four to six hours to “spend time” with her significant other without batting an eye. But take note ladies! When he or she throws out that first “maybe”, it likely will not be his or her last.

Don’t fuss about the maybe, but don’t forget about the maybe. Take notes!

A Regular Day, February 14th

Also happened on February 14th

1929 – Saint Valentine’s Day Massacre: Seven people, six of them gangster rivals of Al Capone’s gang, are murdered in Chicago.

1989 – Union Carbide(Dimple of the Universe people will understand)agrees to pay $470 million to the Indian government for damages it caused in the 1984 Bhopal disaster.

1990 – The Voyager 1 spacecraft takes the photograph of planet Earth that later become famous as Pale Blue Dot.

2005 – Seven people are killed and 151 wounded in a series of bombings by suspected al-Qaeda-linked militants that hit Makati, Davao City, and General Santos City, all in the Philippines.

2005 – YouTube is launched by a group of college students, eventually becoming the largest video sharing website in the world and a main source for viral videos. *** the only one that meals me happy.

It’s Valentines Day. Goddamn It! And if this year, you receive a valentine, say thank you and evaluate the gift you were given. Was it for show? To say sorry?  Because they are supposed to give you a gift? Are you ok with that?
I’m home, sick. (All of you professional people worried I am writing while I’m at “work”, calm yourself.) This day has also been deemed a few other things. Galentines Day and Single Awareness Day to name a few. I’m aware that I’m single every day and I love my friends more than anything everyday! But my entire life I’ve had Valentines Day shoved down my throat. Two days ago I spent nearly $50 so my kids could have something delivered to school. Yesterday, $10 so my older daughter could take a Valentine to a gift exchange on her softball team and this morning, in a fever fog, bought chocolate syrup and bowls so my youngest could have a sundae party at school! Why do we have to keep pretending that this day means something? I have set my kids up for failure. Not that I do dint appreciate the box of chocolates my father bought me every year. I ate most of them in the dark and alone. He tired, just like I try.

Why do we have to celebrate things publicly that cause others such sadness and pain? Social media makes us all aware of your real or fake feelings and relationships everyday! Did I say that out loud? And by the way, I don’t want to hear it, the disappointment train was way out of the station on that one. Ask me in the comments about Christmas before we broke up.

I have a gift or some may say a curse. It’s the gift of relationship dissernment. I will not tolerate any level of crap! Even crap that is described as love. Some may say, but it’s worth it. I say, you need to watch Grace and Frankie.

I have missteps.  I have held back. So I stopped, I went all in. And now to a certain extent, I regret that. As a lover or a hater, I have always been ultimately disappointed. But I refuse to settle! 

So, do what I did. Build a house that you want to be in. That if you are fortunate enough to take care of people or pets in. Invite friends and neighbor’s over. Be safe and secure in it. Share your life with people. 

Build a Home, Grace and Frankie

“Because love, it’s not an emotion. Love is a promise and he will never hurt her.” – The Doctor

How easily I cried. Drop a tear, just in a blink. All the ones that didn’t matter. The short term ones. The ones that never loved me back. Cried for days. Lamented over music. Called friends to cheer me up and drink with me. Burned letters, cut up their clothes. I experienced so much pain for them, but you…why haven’t I cried for you? I came home every night, alone and dealt with it with both eyes dry as a bone. Why haven’t I cried?

Clara Oswald claimed she was owed. That’s where we begin this attempt at crying today. Her love, Danny Pink, has just been killed. #spoilers.

“I’d say I was sorry, but I’d do it again.”, Clara

The ability to trust my judgement is over. I was convinced this was my forever happiness. That in no way I’d ever be in this place again. Now, single, I find myself very angry not at you but at myself. I’d do it again though. All of it. I guess that’s the difference. The others I wept for, I wish I could I have missed experiencing, however you, I’d do the last 8 months all over again.

“Be strong. Even if it breaks your heart.”, The Doctor

And…

“Cut out the whining while you are at it, we have work to do.”, The Doctor