And Your Tinder Match Received 4 Stars!

Many advances have helped the online dating sites. However, I need one more. I need a rating. I need the feedback of others who have been out with these guys. Especially those who don’t write anything in their bio. Who are you? I realize you like to hunt, fish, ride your Harley, skydive…and play the guitar but I need more.

Just a simple star rating is fine. I don’t typically eat at restaurants or purchase clothes with less than 3 out of 4 stars, so the same would apply here. But I also read the reviews. I realize there is always someone who can’t be pleased but the input is greatly appreciated.

For this development,  a few questions to be considered in the review section.

  1. Did he actually take you on a date? Yes, sometimes there is no intention of a date. I was asked recently to come over and snuggle. Ummm…I don’t know you, know where you live or know what your hygiene habits are! And further…what if you have bad breath, haven’t washed your sheets or your have like a million cats or dogs. Or, like to turn on the lights. I went to a guys house once and asked to use the restroom. He took me through the entire house in total darkness. Then I had to find my way back to the living room where there were no lights on except the TV. He asked if I wanted to stay.I said, no. I was afraid to see what the place looked like in the daylight.
  2. Did you have to plan the date or did he? yes, I am not kidding here either. He: Let’s meet. Me: That sounds like a great idea. Where would you like to go? When? What time works for you? He: Idk . . . . . . . .  Me: Well let’s meet at X on Saturday at 5. He: Idk. . . . . . . Me: Here’s my number, just text me. (123)555-7890. Saturday rolls around…and crickets. Why are you here dude? Why are you taking up space?
  3. Are you permanent to the area? Most apps are set up by location. My filter is set for less than 40 miles from my current location. So if a guy drives an 18-wheeler and I live 15 miles from the interstate, then he’s in my potential matches. And, they usually list their career as self-employed. I have learned how to spot a tractor trailer cab in a selfie in a snap! Or, are you here to visit your grandmother for 2 weeks or just stopped at the Cracker Barrell to eat on your way to or from the beach? I talked to a guy for an hour before I realized we matched while he stopped for gas and he was already home….in Cincinnati!
  4. Do you plan on actually meeting who you match with? I can text my friends, my mother, my brother…I don’t plan on texting you more than a day. Plan a date or move on buddy.
  5. Does he text you inappropriate things…immediately? To be perfectly honest, once in a relationship, a little fun t*(s)exting is really a good time. However….Well, just check out my message from this morning: tinder-postIt took 5 minutes for him to go there. And there are a variety of guys with fetishes. I am not judging them for it…you do you, but please don’t think that because I am on Tinder, that I would like to have a personal relationship with your dog! Yeah, wish I had that on a screenshot. And these are nice guys, with good jobs. They live in a nice area. On Tinder, you can’t judge a profile by its cover.
  6. Are they divorced? Are they in an open relationship? Does their significant other know they are telling women on Tinder they are in an open relationship or that they are already dating because their first meeting was with the divorce attorney is this week? “I’ll be divorced in a few months.” “I’m nearly divorced.” “She knows I am on Tinder, that’s why I put her pictures with me on my profile.” Yes, I am not kidding, they post pics of their significant others. Just wait until you recognize someone.
  7. And the kids. I will almost always swipe left, meaning a no, if there are any kids in the pics. Even the ones who say, “the kids in the pics are my nieces/nephews.” I don’t care! What makes you think, I am interested in how you smile with kids for pictures?
  8. Current/Previous Hang ups: Have you or are you currently in drug rehabilitation? No offense to the good people of a county nearby, but if a guys is on Tinder and from there…I immediately think he’s in a half way house staying sober. True story! And it all worked out. He was lovely, but still…really…is that a good idea to match with a girl who has a glass of wine in one of her pictures. Political status? Huge. One app, Bumble  will even let you put a filter around your pics. I appreciate that tremendously. Are you worried I may be taller than you? This is why they put their height on their profiles. Guess what? I will be taller than you more than likely. I like heels. Does it bother you that I am smart, carry on a conversation, live in my hometown, go to church…and enjoy it, etc.

Due to my unfortunate abundance of experience, I’d be happy to serve on a panel to have post date interviews and award a rating. The earning potential for time management alone would be worth it. I am sure there is money to be made or it is hopefully already in development. Until then, I will keep taking screenshots and texting these to my friends. Here is a thought.  If you are interested in being in this little experiment, go to my Facebook or Twitter profiles. Let me know you’d like to “judge” my matches and I’ll send you their profiles.

Facebook: @sexandthemotherhood

Twitter: @satmotherhood

Why even bother, you may be asking? For starters, the amount of laughter these incidents create is immeasurable. I’d give some of these conversations 4 stars. The issue is, without appropriate guidance, you can waste an evening, up to months with a guy whom, if you had had a little review, all of this waste of time could have been avoided. Two weeks ago, I fired up the ole Tinder again and I haven’t regretted it once. I’ve been out on three dates in two weeks. That was better than I was doing, right? And, just to be completely transparent, the fall is coming and the season of hiberdating is upon us. I’d really like to be settled and snuggled on a couch by the first frost…but not on the first date

“Pissed Off for Greatness” 

I’m taking an opportunity as I sit and wait on my hair color to take to make a list and elaborate on all the reasons I’m pissed off and how I plan to turn them into greatness! 

1. Getting older

  • My hair is getting more and more gray! I have named the gray hairs after my father since I don’t recall him having black hair. So, while I slowly turn into Emmy Lou Harris-a hot lady by the way, let’s go ombré again! 
  • I can’t lose weight. No matter what I try! And, if one more person says, “well, all I did was cut my portions and I lost 20 lbs.” No bitch, you didn’t!” You are on phentermine! Enjoy the withdrawal symptoms when you decide to get off of that! I’m back in the gym! I’m trying! That’s better than popping a pill right? Time to set a goal: three times a week and logging everything on MyFitness Pal! Below is my sanity: Gametime, Dimple of the Universe Tennessee. And I’d like to thank my coach Jerry for making me lift more than I want to. He can thank me for his knowledge of women’s bladder control issues. 
  • http://www.gametimesportstn.com/
  • Mammograms-mine is coming. See below for more details under “fear”.

2. Busy-too busy to enjoy the good things! 

  • I am juggling a few dating options currently. I’m too busy for them and they are too busy for me. One reason people remain single is not selfishness, it’s busyness. So what do we do? Don’t give up. Enjoy growing your relationships and attractions by talking on the phone, texting, whatever. Meet for coffee, quick lunches, etc. I have ruined plenty by having this expectation that we should be each other’s world within four weeks. 

3. Fear

  • Try him again: if all goes as planned, I hope to grab drinks with an old flame Derek. It’s disguised as a “catch up” drink, but I’d really like to think that maybe our timing is finally right. And timing meaning my ability to get a way for a few hours tomorrow would be a great start.  
  • I hate tits! And I hate the word tits! But that’s what I’m now calling them. Especially when they cause cancer. Even just the fear of cancer! I’m not 40 yet, and don’t have a family history to qualify to have a mammogram and it qualify under insurance. But hell, I know plenty of people now that could have benefitted from a screening mammogram before 40. While my dear friend awaits a procedure so she can learn more, I’m afraid. I am optimistic of this outcome but this is only the beginning of us being afraid of our bodies. So I’m going to do what I can to take care of mine. This doesn’t mean I’m going to go completely crazy, but don’t be surprised if I smell of essential oils or paying cash for a screening mammograms! 

While there are so many others to list let’s get out there, make some bad decisions and celebrate being Bad Moms. I highly encourage you to watch that trailer. I swear, the writers may or may not have consulted me when making this movie! 

I must give credit where it is due. I have a SnapChat follower @Mook. He is a sports agent I was introduced to through Gary Vaynerchuck @garyvee. He coined the pharse #pissedoffforgreatness after some NFL draft deals didn’t go so well. Highly recommend if you snap…follow @mook. 


Happy Mother’s Day! Now get out there and get pissed off for greatness! 

The Song That Changed My Life?

**I hope to goodness, you click on these links!

NPR’s Pop Culture Happy Hour “Life Changing Songs”

One of my weekly favorites is to listen to NPR’s podcast, Pop Culture Happy Hour. The latest episode featured a segment on “Life Changing Songs” It made me wonder…what song(s) changed my life? When I wrote What’s Your Theme Song?, I was kind of on the same page. Many of those songs are from life changing moments, but really, is there a song, one song, that changed my life. A song that really made me take it all in and change the course of what was happening. This is not a song that just marked a passing in time, this would have to be a directional changed.

I immediately went to Dave Matthews Band. Within a few bars of a melody, I can be in a place and time of joy, love, sadness, regret. The music and lyrics to these works are autobiographical to me. Many have multiple meanings. I knew my life was forever changed when I listened to this one. I was very freshly broken up with my first true love. Grace describes “Adam” as my relationship Utopia. No one has ever put me more in that place of total trust than Adam. Recently, I was trying to explain why it was so easy to love Adam. I had no one else to care for. I was 18, moving to college and he was my world. It is easy to love when you have no other worries in the world. It is easy to love before you grow up and realize that life can really be hard, really be sad and really be devastating. This is terribly hard to explain to people that were fortunate to spend a lifetime with their Utopian loves. If you can take a moment, go back with me…are you there. Remember him or her….I give you Dave Matthews Band  “I’ll Back You Up.”Dave Matthews Band, “I’ll Back You Up” 7.12.2000 For Adam and I, Dave Matthews Band was our band. Most of the 13 shows I’ve seen of DMB, he was there.

With this song I moved on and past him. I moved into adulthood. It may be possible that no relationship will ever be like that one, ever. I had it once, for 3 amazing care free years. I grew up and so did he. He became a wonderful husband, father and professionally successful. I can’t ever put myself in that life with him. We were so young , I don’t think I would have remained “in love” with the adult Adam and to be honest, I don’t think he would have remained in love with me. Sally at 21 is definitely not the Sally at 35+. We all have to grow up sometime, and this song is my growing up song. I realized this when I attended Adam’s father’s funeral. I’ll always back him up, and I know he will always back me up.

The biggest change I ever experienced was becoming a mother. When I was on maternity leave with my oldest, Gilmore Girls came on everyday at 10 am and 3 pm. I still remember rocking her to this. Gilmore Girls Theme.  When my second daughter was born, we watched the Gilmore Girls too. Anytime I think of being a mother to my girls, Lorelai Gilmore is who I most relate to. We are not foreign to making mistakes, we are not foreign to bad timing, and we are most definitely not foreign to our children knowing when our relationships end and what it’s like to be hurt by men. My one true worry, is that they will follow in my footsteps when it comest to love. I want them to love with their whole hearts like I do, but I also want them to keep their hearts close and guard them deeply. That’s the Gilmore Girl mistake. It’s a new process for me, but I believe it is working out for the best.

In the last year, I have had to change my heart to forget someone. Do you know how hard that is? I have to purposefully attempt every day to not think of him. I thought when I wrote him a letter, I could put him past me, but it isn’t that easy. Most days I wonder if I am really trying. The truth is, I have never been able to tell the entire story. You got pieces of it in Break Up Via Selfie…Again? and I’m Gonna Sit Right Down and Write Myself a Letter, but you have no idea. My soul was punched right in the stomach when Joy Williams released this song right about the time…all that happened. Joy Williams, “What A Good Woman Does” I promised never to tell the truth about Cleats, and I never will. Yesterday, that promise was truly tested.

I have spent all week, studying my musical history, and I am at a loss…what song has CHANGED my life? I have plenty that were a part of “changes” but as much as I love music, I can’t put my finger on a song where I heard it and did something different-actually changed my life. I look forward to the one that does…it’s going to be epic and it better be good, real good! As my dear friend, “Shannon” told me this weekend, “I have a feeling you will have everything you need by the time you are 40.” I said, “You realize, that’s in 2 1/2 years, right?”

A Love I Can’t Carry Anymore       

Do not read without watching this:
Only a few times have I been afraid to write…this is one of them. So I’m releasing my vulnerability and going to put this out there.

Last night I stayed up too late waiting on “Hero” to make me breakfast. I mean it was 3 am! And the words started coming out of my mouth…”you know I like him right?”

I have been focused recently on building real friendships, true relationships with people I can trust my truth with. These relationships have brought in people like Hero and the friend who will remain “Nameless”. He has another blog name, but I’m just not that brave right now. This blog is a second step. The first step was when I said it out loud to Hero. These friendships have been amazing as I still struggle with so much that has happened in the last year. Nameless has been there at the end of all of them. And I’ve been there at the end of his too. One night after dinner, the bartender said,”Are you sure you are just friends? I never see him talk to anyone the way he talks to you…and I never see anyone talk to him the way you talk to him.”

So I confessed last night to “Hero” all about it. Why I don’t say anything or do anything because I want to keep our friendship. He made a good point, “what if he feels the same way?” This is where I’m letting my fear get in the way. I can’t make it without him. I don’t want that to show. I’m afraid if he knows, he’ll stop being my friend. I’m too afraid to be without him and not brave enough to be honest with him.

Damn it! I’m a mess. Let’s break for a video while I get it back together.

I don’t know a girl who doesn’t put herself in a  Julie Roberts movie through out her life. I am currently in “My Best Friends Wedding”.

That’s what I was trying to explain to Hero this morning-this never ends well.

I watched Grace go through this…she fell for her best friend and it nearly ruined our group and most definitely their friendship. The group actually disbanded for almost 9 months. I pretend she has forgiven him for hurting her, but if I know Grace she hasn’t. It’s never been what it was before. I can’t risk that, can I? Should I? I’d really like to ask…what happened to Jules and Michael after the wedding?

No one makes me happier. I live for his smile and his laughter. He makes me forget all those who have hurt me.

“Kimmie says, if you love someone, you say it, right then, out loud. Otherwise the moment just passes you by.”

What if Nameless prefers Creme Brûlée and I’m just Jello?

“Designing” a Community of Man Children

I have considered a relationship with a long time friend. There was always something about him. He approached me several months ago about this possibility. I never really took it very seriously because he was currently in a relationship. Not a marriage, but had a girlfriend. However, this week he texted me. He explained that the relationship was ending and did I feel there was any chance for us. I told him that I would like to discuss it. He said he had sometime this weekend. Well, today I got impatient waiting so I texted him and asked if he was busy today. He responded: “Sally, I’ve got shit to do for a while today…maybe later on.” I called “bullshit” and explained “I find that hard to believe.” Then he said, “Football is on…” His proposal of discussing a potential relationship with me had to wait on football? And I like football, would have been a lovely companion. Through this process, I have adopted a new practice; I don’t give second chances. I hope he likes his football and a relationship with his hand.

Friday afternoon a guy wanted to make plans with me. We will call it a date. The plan was he would call me when he got off work. We had really been struggling to set a date, so it appeared that our early afternoon plans would finally happen. I didn’t hear from him again until Saturday night at 9:21 pm. “I fell asleep on the couch and woke up at 6. Figured you were already out.” I responded today, Sunday morning, “OK”. No second chances.

I have a friend, you may call our relationship a “bromance”. He is recently divorced, I honestly don’t think the ink is dry. Since his marriage crumbled, he and I have mentored each other. So, let’s call him what he is, “Mentor”. He is the one that introduced me to Neil Strauss and “The Game.” He now has me reading “Mate” by Tucker Max and Geoffrey Miller, PHD. I’m supposed to be reading it from a women’s perspective…that’s a little difficult, but anyway. We were having one of our marathon conversations today and I made a statement I have been wanting to say for a while. “I am extremely disappointed in the culture and community of men to date these days.” And the “mentor” agreed. Then he, a man, a single man said, “We have a huge abundance of man children running around.” YES!

The married community doesn’t understand the difference in dating and hooking up. I was asked, “so what are you looking for?” My response is what it always is. I want someone to go to dinner with one night a week when I don’t have my girls. I want plans with said person every other weekend. A date to special events and if things go well, I’d may like to travel with this person. “So, you want a hook up?” No, that’s not it at all. Hook ups are easy. I have at least 5 numbers right now I could call and make that happen. If I were bored a ten minute trip to a bar and an hour later, you can have that. What I want is incredibly difficult when you have man children to work with. There is also this notion that because I have a mid level of professional success, along with an abundance of confidence and that I am the mother of two children, I am “difficult to date.” What about the statement above of what I require makes me difficult? If anything, it would seem to be dumbed down to a way that even a mere child could comprehend. But I digress, we are dealing with man children.

Some may say, I am man hating or bashing men. You could say that if I didn’t have research and experience to prove my case. I have made this challenge before. I dare you to date me, just as I have requested above. Just what I thought…it’s too easy. Man children aren’t accustomed to easy…well not that kind of easy anyway.

I will accept my fault in the role of creating man children. I’ve attempted to make myself easy to date like many single women and we have ruined men in the process. The continued participation and acceptance of the practices for online dating is not helping either. And let me be clear, it doesn’t matter if you pay for the site or not. It doesn’t matter if you spent hours on a questionnaire or just put the best selfie you have on the profile. Man children are there too. Again, making ourselves easy to date. Her is some very fundamental advice from southern belle extraordinaire-Suzanne Sugarbaker. Too bad I wasn’t listening to her in my more formative years.

Notes: a man in intensive care doesn’t sound too bad these days. Also, I don’t play hard to get. “Advertise and then withhold.” Now that’s something I can work with. “It never hurts to hurt them a little bit in the beginning.”-Suzanne Sugarbaker

Now, I do realize this will lower my success rate, but it can’t get any worse. Just like last night. I was at a party…could have made a phone call or two (or five). Instead, I just sat back and watched others, went to bed early. Woke up and spent the day in bed with my friend “Grace”. Ate pasta and chocolate while watching hours of Designing Women episodes.

All, I’m saying is that would it hurt the man children if we said less “yes” and maybe more “not this time.” The men are like spoiled children and maybe a little discipline won’t be too bad. Parents always say, “this is going to hurt me more than its going to hurt you.” Boy, at this rate, I’m going to need a pain pill. I’ve wasted so much energy on man children.

Just one more thing….“And I don’t mean that bitchy.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Quality Vs. “The Unicorn”

I really don’t have a good opening. I am forever perplexed by the never ending ability of men, I mean boys, to avoid a difficult conversation by falling off the face of the earth. Let me back up a bit.

The Urban Dictionary defines “The Unicorn” as:  “that girl that you can’t catch. Everything about her is so perfect (divine, if you will) getting with her is unfathomable. She is truly a blessing from God. Bumping into her on the sidewalk is a good day. Holding a conversation with her… you were probably dreaming. Anything beyond that – good luck. It takes time, effort, and a whole lot of persistency. But never give up; unicorns are said to be “uncatchable,” but nothing is impossible. Impossible is nothing. Under no circumstances, never ever, not ever, at no time, should you ever marry a girl who is not your unicorn…  Everyone has a unicorn; it’s just a matter of spotting her and tracking her down. Give it time, it will happen. “For destiny grants us our wishes, but in its own way, in order to give us something beyond our wishes.”-Urban Dictionary

I have had multiple in-depth conversations with men about Unicorns. There is always a discussion of her being hot beyond any other girl they have ever met. Also alongside her attractiveness is her ability to be not too smart(or the ability to hide it very well) and has an over the top bitch attitude. Most men I have spoken to would do anything to date their Unicorn. So let’s see what happens when a man gets to date his Unicorn.

I didn’t even intend to date him. We met for a drink, then a dinner, then another dinner and another. My first mistake…I let him pay. If I didn’t intend to date him, why did I let him pay? Our last date was absolutely amazing. My pursuit of him so far was non existent. He called, he texted, he snapped, he made all the dates. We spent several hours talking and laughing on our next to last date. This was our first kiss…date 4 or 5 depending on if you count the drinks. My one mistake-I asked to see him the next night. I awoke the next morning and allowed myself to be excited. Through the excitement I allowed my vulnerability to show. He came to my house we watched a movie and…crickets.

When you read more about the Unicorn it truly does place a fictional, mystical idea of the perfect woman. But what happens when she becomes real? The death of a unicorn is the sole responsibility not from the women…but the idea of her is killed by a man, the man. He is now disappointed, afraid, vulnerable and allows his created idea of her to vanish.

The reality is the girl…his Unicorn, places the now mythical idea on the boy and he is now her Unicorn. With the tables turned, she is no longer the unicorn. She is a real person with feelings, thoughts, wants and desires. A unicorn  no more, she is disposable. It’s easy to give up the another girl. “I know you are afraid, but fear can make you kind. Fear is like a companion. Fear can bring you together, fear can bring you home.”-Clara, Doctor Who. Most men are afraid of their Unicorn. But more certain than that…men without true quality are afraid of a real girl. They ignore the fear and the ability to accept their own vulnerability.

This is when his quality begins to show. The girl discovers her thought of him being a Unicorn and he is just another Ass! If the boy can not be a man long enough to tell the truth…

Now, we can circle back to the first paragraph…I don’t have a closing either. I have wasted too much time as it is on this.

There is an interesting tie to these men. One might call it a twist of fate. A few weeks prior to this disaster…another fella disappeared on me. Both have a similar “acquaintance”. This “acquaintance”, prior to their vanishing from our relationship, the “acquaintance” contacted me to ask if we were dating. Within days…”So poof, vamoose! Son of a Bitch.”-Jay Z. I’m not a Unicorn…even though some may consider me to be in the beginning. “I ain’t passed the  bar, but I know a little bit.”-Jay Z also said. I know enough to try and see if these twists of fate lead me to the involvement of someone, maybe the “acquaintance”.

 

 

School Girl Crush…All Grown Up Now

 

To this day, at the age of 30+++, I don’t recall not having a crush on  someone. Now when I was married, I only crushed on my husband of course, but even in Kindergarten and up until now there is someone. I don’t imagine that will go away. For one simple reason, it’s fun. To have those thoughts about people that you watch from afar. Passing them out and about and exchanging glances. It can definitely be interesting. And now I know what it’s like to be all grown up and have those school girl crush feelings coming back…or did they ever go away?

I remember the first time I saw him. I was playing kickball with my friends. I believe it was 3rd grade, it could have been 4th. He was so tall and he talked funny. The other boys called him a “Yankee”. As a community, we were just beginning to meet our new friends from “up north.” The Dimple of the Universe, had a major car manufacturer just open a facility in the county and they were bringing what would be thousands of people from the North. Our dimple got a little deeper through the years. Now we are both older and he’s been down here longer than he was up there…so he sounds like us. Deliciously Southern.

When I moved back with my then husband, I ran into him. It had probably been 10 or more years since I had seen him. I could tell from seeing him immediately that he hadn’t changed. Still tall and to the point that “Big”now proceeded his name. We exchanged glances and a hello, met the hubby and so on. There weren’t a lot of fireworks..I was still married you know. But God it was so good to see him. A lot of those thoughts came back. Kickball, 4-H Camp, wishing he would have liked me back or just asked me to dance just once at the 4-H Camp dance. At nine or ten, just getting to stand with a guy was a big deal.

Now, let’s fast forward to post divorce a few years. “Big” is still around here and there, but now…my crushing feelings could come back and out. Through the years, we have developed some mutual friends and I would see him out from time to time. We share laughs, drinks and a lot more laughs. One night we were out and we went to our friend “Canadians” after party. We call that Canada after Midnight. I had a date that night and when we left, I told “Big” bye and gave him a hug. I had spent a few months wondering why he wasn’t more interested. I had kind of spoke to him a few weeks earlier about the possibility of me and him doing something on more than just a friends level. I am not going to lie, I was disappointed. But if you know anything from reading these blogs, disappointment is not something I am foreign to. The following week, I was having dinner with The Canadian, and she explained that after I left, he got upset because I left and who I had left with. It was so overwhelming, shocking and intriguing. I decided to make a dedicated effort again. Is this the relationship I crushed on nearly 25 years ago coming to fruition?

A few weeks later there we were, alone and honestly talking about it… It was one of the most precious conversations I had ever had. I told him about how I remembered him from kickball. “I know”, Big said, “I have wanted to be with you since 4-H Camp. I have never stopped.” Laughing, smiling, all of it. “Big” might make it all worth it. When I looked at him and he looked at me, it was like 4th grade all over again.

Now, we hardly speak. I don’t know what happened. One night, one great night and one morning after and he was gone. I called him on more than one occasion to find out why. He didn’t respond. The level of frustration I felt when he disappeared still causes me to feel deep emotions of sadness even now. The Canadian and many friends who also know him well have tried to rationalize his behavior. I still think he is keeping me from something. Even now, I would appreciate and listen to his explanation. I have to wonder, was he protecting me from something?  I don’t think for a second, that he’s one of those guys. Not the boy I met and became so fond of at age 9. I’ve now accepted not ever knowing, but if “Big” were in front of me right now, or if he ever reads this I’d like to say; I still think you are one of the nicest, friendliest and caring guys I have known and I am not mad at him because of the way things ended. When I see you, I think of you when we were young. I’m still open to talking about kickball or 4-H Camp whenever you would like. Take care “Big” and your big heart.

 

 

 

 

 

“All I Do Is Win”

So he just started showing up. One Friday night we were out and all of the sudden my friend had this guy with her. Lots of people were around that night, but in a few minutes I realized I was the third wheel. I politely mingled the rest of the evening. Happy to do it. This gal deserved it. The following Wednesday…there he is again, in a nice little lady sandwich. My friend on one side and another girl on the other. The guy and the other girl are distracted, so I ask…”What’s up with Bob?” She explains that he’s a really nice guy, but she thinks the other girl (the one sitting next to him.) likes him too. “They’ve known each other for years”, she says. I ask, “Have they ever dated?” She explains, “No, I don’t think she’s gone out with him.” “Girl, she’s had her chance! Your turn, lady! GO WIN!”

“Are you winning?” I will ask when I see her, text her, ask other people to ask her who don’t know what they are asking. I just checked, she still is. When you train for the big game, the big event, you know that it’s all about who has been training the hardest and longest. Who has the better skills. That’s the one who wins…who can hang in the there longest. My coach says, “Make the last one, your best one!” No one gets out there to lose, you get out there to win!

A philosophy I am learning about from Neil Strauss‘ The Game, Penetrating the Secret Society of Pickup Artists

“The strong live off the weak, and the clever live off the strong.”

“In life, people tend to wait for good things to come to them. And by waiting, they miss out. Usually, what you wish for doesn’t fall in your lap; it falls somewhere nearby, and you have to recognize it, stand up, and put in the time and work it takes to get to it. This isn’t because the universe is cruel. It’s because the universe is smart. It has its own cat-string theory and knows we don’t appreciate things that fall into our laps.”

I am a lover of quotes, so here are a few to support my philosophy.

“Win as if you were used to it, lose as if you enjoyed it for a change.” Vince Lombardi

A winner is someone who recognizes his God-given talents, works his tail off to develop them into skills, and uses these skills to accomplish his goals., Larry Bird

Strength does not come from winning. Your struggles develop your strengths. When you go through hardships and decide not to surrender, that is strength.” Arnold Schwarzenegger 

No one wins more than Samantha from Sex and the City. Even when she loses, she wins. That’s the philosophy I am looking for. And fabulous on top of it!  Yes, please! Disclaimer: If you offend easily….watch this: 

That was fun, but let’s get real. I have heard and mentioned previously, “it’ll happen when you aren’t looking for it.” But lately, I’ve noticed I have been winning but I didn’t realize it. Watching my friend “win” and being a part of it; that’s “winning.”

How lucky am I to always have a tremendously fun and entertaining social life.  I could have invited guys to join me, but I didn’t. I wanted to hang out with my friends with no pressure. “Winning” Spending the day with my “lil ladies” and meeting up with friends…”Winning!” Sunday Funday for 12 hours with some of the best people-exhausted, but still “winning.”

I get date proposals quite a bit. My practice prior was to accept as many as time allowed. This was EXHAUSTING! About 3 weeks ago, I stopped. Summer was coming to an end, and I really didn’t want to waste all my good outfits on “space fillers” and “time wasters”. I mean, that’s all they were becoming.

“Winning” is control. Telling a guy no…I would rather have drinks with those girls than with you. That’s what I should have done on a recent date. He was a complete douche-I’m not kidding or using colorful language…google it. Cute golfer named “Bo” will pop up I am sure. “Bo” tells the waitress, “yea, you can just put her drinks with mine…” Excuse me pretty boy, but this may be why you are still single. I don’t need you to buy my drinks, but I did just give you an hour of my life I will never get back and wasted this dress on you. “Time waster/space filler.” When “Grace”,  shows up at the same bar you are meeting your date and all you want to do is sit with her…”space filler/time waster” for sure.

I am not going to lie, I was looking for a repeat of last summer. Fun, yes. But I think I deserve more than fun…I deserve to win!

So,  sorry guys, but this new way, the way I am winning is more fulfilling than you have been…but I am always willing to see one try to prove me wrong!

Failure to Launch Phenomenon

People get married everyday. Traditionally, Saturday’s are the most popular, but any day will and can do. I’ve had the big white wedding. Hundreds of guests, church, reception hall, dinner, dancing, bar, the works. It was lovely. If I ever do walk that aisle again, I honestly don’t think it will be this kind of affair. But my optimism cup runneth over and is never failing so, we shall see.

Grace is my best friend and has personally witnessed many of the stories I share here. She actually gives me the go ahead to write on many topics. This one is no different. We were discussing a recent engagement of one of my exes-The Yankee. This one and I actually broke up almost a year ago…yeah-I was thinking the same thing “that was quick.” We started counting, he was number seven. He was the seventh guy I have broken up with that the next lady he dated after me, he married. Yep! MARRIED!

#1-serious boyfriend from college

#2-second serious boyfriend from college and 1st post divorce boyfriend

#3-Sweet Fella

#4- #2’s friend

#5-Momma’s Boy-wedding planned for June

#6-Squirrel (who is not married or engaged…yet, but it’s likely coming)

#7-The Yankee

#8-Cleats

Yep, I failed to mention that Cleats is now married. Now this one is amazing. Less than 2 weeks…TWO WEEKS!!! I end it and he put a ring on it!

Some of you may be saying, what about Derek…If we count him that makes it 10-because he dated and remarried his ex wife twice while dating me in between. I just don’t count it but you can if you would like.

Sarah Jessica Parker is making a heavy appearance in this blog  but not as Carrie Bradshaw. I give you Failure to Launch-Paula’s Pitch:

So there you have it mostly ladies and a few brave gentlemen…I have been doing this since 2000!!!! 15 years and increasing the self esteem of men I have been in relationships with and preparing them for marriage. Everyone on this list has had ample opportunity to marry me. It just never happened. I can’t answer the why it didn’t  part, but as I write, I stare at the left ring finger and it’s as bare as ever. Sometimes I wear and substitute ring on it just for fun. It would be nice to have one there one day, but for now there are nine other fingers if you count the pinky’s that can have rings on them.

This week, today in particular is Mother’s Day. Can I be honest…I really dislike Mother’s Day. Now, I love to celebrate my Mom! She is awesome and deserves this day. But this is just not a good day for me. For example, I left my ex husband on Mother’s Day. A few year’s later was the first time Derek got back together with his ex wife and now…#7 and #8 all with in a week! I have difficulty wrapping my head around this.

This morning, I made a list. A list of my research of dating men since my divorce.

1. They don’t know how. Yeah, obviously I don’t either. But, I had to recently date a man who was old enough to be my father to actually feel like it should to date. Come on men between 30 and 45. Get it together!!!

2. They show no effort. Again, back to the older man I recently went to dinner with. He showed effort and I appreciated it.  I want to ask any single, straight man reading this-when was the last time you sent a girl flowers? Yep…that’s what I thought.

3. No gentlemen qualities. Either they have been lost or they were faking it in the 20’s. ( and so was I…)

I would like to iniate a challenge. A challenge to men. Date me, I dare you! Baseball season has started and its a whole new ball game. My record is not as good as the Cardinals, but there is still time to make the playoffs. So if you are reading this and you are a single man or if you know a single man, I’m game if you are! Just remember, “there is no crying in baseball.”

To Boldly Go…Younger

Star-Trek-gallery-ships-0003

In a matter of minutes….I will embark on a new adventure.

It was sweet and surprising to be tapped on the shoulder and turn to see what I saw. Very handsome, tall, identical glasses. The chatting was so easy. “Oh, you’ve got kids?” (He seems shocked, surprised…well played). See I already knew, obviously he didn’t and but then…”how many…two…you have two kids? How old?” (Pause…his eyes change) “How old are you?” His friend starts to shake his head.

I assumed he would say nice talking to you…but he didn’t. We sat there and talked for 20/30 minutes. His friends were ready to leave but he could have cared less. Finally one of them puts in front of me a piece of paper and a pen. “We need to go, just write down your number.” When I got home…he texted. That was two weeks ago and we are still having that conversation at the bar.

Here’s the deal, and I’ll be brief because we are meeting in an hour. I have asked many of you for opinions and I came to the conclusion that I’ve dated older than me and I’ve dated my age and it hasn’t worked out yet. Without getting cliche about thinking outside of the box I’ll go with a quote. “Any great and inspiring leader or organization that ever existed set out to do something completely unrealistic.”-Simon Sinek. I am going to once again try something new and very, very very unrealistic. I think it’s important for you to know that yes I thought about this. I sought out the advice of even the best advisors on the subject…men! My brother “Tony” and “Squirrel’ had the exact same responses. However, his optimism of actually being excited that he liked me won him a date. That’s right! I hadn’t realized until this moment that the men I have been dating have been treating me as an inconvenience! No one wants to be in a relationship anymore. I believe some of us think we have aged out of the process. But I don’t think that. I still believe that all this will amount to the love of my life and not the love of the moment. All of this dating and kissing frogs will pay off!

And may I just say…he has exceptional taste in music!