“Because love, it’s not an emotion. Love is a promise and he will never hurt her.” – The Doctor

How easily I cried. Drop a tear, just in a blink. All the ones that didn’t matter. The short term ones. The ones that never loved me back. Cried for days. Lamented over music. Called friends to cheer me up and drink with me. Burned letters, cut up their clothes. I experienced so much pain for them, but you…why haven’t I cried for you? I came home every night, alone and dealt with it with both eyes dry as a bone. Why haven’t I cried?

Clara Oswald claimed she was owed. That’s where we begin this attempt at crying today. Her love, Danny Pink, has just been killed. #spoilers.

“I’d say I was sorry, but I’d do it again.”, Clara

The ability to trust my judgement is over. I was convinced this was my forever happiness. That in no way I’d ever be in this place again. Now, single, I find myself very angry not at you but at myself. I’d do it again though. All of it. I guess that’s the difference. The others I wept for, I wish I could I have missed experiencing, however you, I’d do the last 8 months all over again.

“Be strong. Even if it breaks your heart.”, The Doctor

And…

“Cut out the whining while you are at it, we have work to do.”, The Doctor

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Failure to Launch Phenomenon

People get married everyday. Traditionally, Saturday’s are the most popular, but any day will and can do. I’ve had the big white wedding. Hundreds of guests, church, reception hall, dinner, dancing, bar, the works. It was lovely. If I ever do walk that aisle again, I honestly don’t think it will be this kind of affair. But my optimism cup runneth over and is never failing so, we shall see.

Grace is my best friend and has personally witnessed many of the stories I share here. She actually gives me the go ahead to write on many topics. This one is no different. We were discussing a recent engagement of one of my exes-The Yankee. This one and I actually broke up almost a year ago…yeah-I was thinking the same thing “that was quick.” We started counting, he was number seven. He was the seventh guy I have broken up with that the next lady he dated after me, he married. Yep! MARRIED!

#1-serious boyfriend from college

#2-second serious boyfriend from college and 1st post divorce boyfriend

#3-Sweet Fella

#4- #2’s friend

#5-Momma’s Boy-wedding planned for June

#6-Squirrel (who is not married or engaged…yet, but it’s likely coming)

#7-The Yankee

#8-Cleats

Yep, I failed to mention that Cleats is now married. Now this one is amazing. Less than 2 weeks…TWO WEEKS!!! I end it and he put a ring on it!

Some of you may be saying, what about Derek…If we count him that makes it 10-because he dated and remarried his ex wife twice while dating me in between. I just don’t count it but you can if you would like.

Sarah Jessica Parker is making a heavy appearance in this blog  but not as Carrie Bradshaw. I give you Failure to Launch-Paula’s Pitch:

So there you have it mostly ladies and a few brave gentlemen…I have been doing this since 2000!!!! 15 years and increasing the self esteem of men I have been in relationships with and preparing them for marriage. Everyone on this list has had ample opportunity to marry me. It just never happened. I can’t answer the why it didn’t  part, but as I write, I stare at the left ring finger and it’s as bare as ever. Sometimes I wear and substitute ring on it just for fun. It would be nice to have one there one day, but for now there are nine other fingers if you count the pinky’s that can have rings on them.

This week, today in particular is Mother’s Day. Can I be honest…I really dislike Mother’s Day. Now, I love to celebrate my Mom! She is awesome and deserves this day. But this is just not a good day for me. For example, I left my ex husband on Mother’s Day. A few year’s later was the first time Derek got back together with his ex wife and now…#7 and #8 all with in a week! I have difficulty wrapping my head around this.

This morning, I made a list. A list of my research of dating men since my divorce.

1. They don’t know how. Yeah, obviously I don’t either. But, I had to recently date a man who was old enough to be my father to actually feel like it should to date. Come on men between 30 and 45. Get it together!!!

2. They show no effort. Again, back to the older man I recently went to dinner with. He showed effort and I appreciated it.  I want to ask any single, straight man reading this-when was the last time you sent a girl flowers? Yep…that’s what I thought.

3. No gentlemen qualities. Either they have been lost or they were faking it in the 20’s. ( and so was I…)

I would like to iniate a challenge. A challenge to men. Date me, I dare you! Baseball season has started and its a whole new ball game. My record is not as good as the Cardinals, but there is still time to make the playoffs. So if you are reading this and you are a single man or if you know a single man, I’m game if you are! Just remember, “there is no crying in baseball.”