Anniversaries, Hydration and Popcorn

I have started a Facebook Live series called Three Things. It is a way I can reach my readers in a more personal way.

In the blogosphere, I tend to aim for perfection. This is the main reason why there is so much delay between posts. I have at least four drafts that are continually being tweaked with no publishing date in sight. I will attempt to tie those blogs into Three Things and get those messages out. In the meantime, here are my recent Three Things.

1. Happy Anniversary Parental Units

41 years! So that means I turn 40 this year. (For another day.) Your marriage and parenting of my and my brother was superb. Through you I learned the value of a partner, what love truly looks like and how to find the joy and fun in everyday. Also, the value of work and to always be involved in your local community. When I marry again, I hope my marriage mirrors yours.

2. Hydration

School started back last week. It was a difficult transition for my family. We do summer really well. So well, that we squeezed in one last trip to the beach and caught the girls first Dave Matthews Band show. We missed their orientation and Back to School Bash. Anyway, the first day of school hit me like a mack truck! I posted my first live video on Sex and the Motherhood’s Facebook page. It was received with mixed reviews but I remain supportive of my thoughts in that moment. However, I did pause and wonder, why was I such an angry lady in that moment. Finally, it came to me. I had taken in little to no water that day. Huge light bulb moment! I will encourage you as I encourage myself, start your day with a large glass of water. While you are at it, roll on some mood enhancing essential oils. Patchouli and Bergamot are a few of my favs. Diffusers are abundant and affordable. Keep one going on high during big stress times…for me, all the time. I am always brewing something!

3. Popcorn

I found several years ago the most effective way to control my mouth at youth sports events was to snack on popcorn. This keeps me from shouting at the officials, my kids, other kids, other parents and cussing is only mumbled at the risk of choking.

I have now decided it’s a time in my life where I need popcorn at a moments notice. Mostly because I have become this person:

Recently at a town hall type meeting I literally took my own popcorn to watch how people responded to the different topics and they did not disappoint. Call me petty, you are probably right. But at least I had a snack and was able to leave the meeting with my head high and not embarrassed by the comments I kept to myself…or texted my friends in the meeting. But those who spoke, spoke with dignity, respect and positivity! Just what that group needed! You go momma bears!

If you have any topic you’d like to address for Three Things, comment below and I will do my best.

Take care and peace in your daily lives.

Sally

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“Because love, it’s not an emotion. Love is a promise and he will never hurt her.” – The Doctor

How easily I cried. Drop a tear, just in a blink. All the ones that didn’t matter. The short term ones. The ones that never loved me back. Cried for days. Lamented over music. Called friends to cheer me up and drink with me. Burned letters, cut up their clothes. I experienced so much pain for them, but you…why haven’t I cried for you? I came home every night, alone and dealt with it with both eyes dry as a bone. Why haven’t I cried?

Clara Oswald claimed she was owed. That’s where we begin this attempt at crying today. Her love, Danny Pink, has just been killed. #spoilers.

“I’d say I was sorry, but I’d do it again.”, Clara

The ability to trust my judgement is over. I was convinced this was my forever happiness. That in no way I’d ever be in this place again. Now, single, I find myself very angry not at you but at myself. I’d do it again though. All of it. I guess that’s the difference. The others I wept for, I wish I could I have missed experiencing, however you, I’d do the last 8 months all over again.

“Be strong. Even if it breaks your heart.”, The Doctor

And…

“Cut out the whining while you are at it, we have work to do.”, The Doctor

Best of 2017

Instead of resolutions, I decided to focus on the greatness of 2017. I have composed my personal bests and favorites of the last 12 months.

Best Trip of My Life: London and Paris with my Father

I am still amazed that it even happened! It was a life changing experience. It influenced several adjustments in my life and also my view of not only “Dimple of the Universe” but my view on living. Traveling is now a regular experience I will continue to plan.

Best Book: The Nightingale

One thing I wish I had done to prepare for my trip to France was learn the language. This was also true with this book. I am so glad I listened to the audio version. I was able to hear the lovely, beauty of the language through the amazing love and tragedy of this story. I have recommended this book to everyone I could.

Best Wife-In-Law: Mandy “Gina” Barry. You have been such a wonderful friend to me but an even better step mother to my children. Thank you this year, the past years and in the future…I’ll bring the wine next time.

Best Podcast: Ask Me About

Look for our next episode tomorrow, Jan 1 2018 to focus on both our bests of 2017. Ross Jaynes is a wonderful cohost, producer and technical guide!

Best Series to Binge: The Marvelous Mrs Maisel

I was already excited about this, then I learned that the creator and writer of Gilmore Girls Amy Sherman-Palladino was the creator and writer for this. It didn’t disappoint! I was even more enthusiastic after I successfully attempted my first stand up routine the week before.

Best Place for Stand Up: Cities

I wrote a five minute stand up routine the day before, worked eight hours and showed up to a sold out crowd! So let’s do it again!

Get tickets here

Best “Dimple of the Universe”: Mine! Columbia TN. Not just 2017, but 2018, 2019, 2020 and just keep going. I love my “Dimple”! A few websites to check out: MyColumbia and ThatsColumbia. That’ll get you started.

Best Boyfriend: My ex. It’s still hard to believe that our perfect, happy relationship recently ended, but he was the best boyfriend. He has set a bar so high, I dare the next man to try!

Best Phrase: Get it Girl

Best Friends: My beautiful, adoring, faithful and loving friends!

“Cupid Demanded Back His Arrow.”-Lost Stars by Adam Levine

How does one even begin to tell the story when one doesn’t even know what happened. What event or action caused this? (This feels like process statements my youngest has for homework.) I wish I knew more. I only know the ending.

I drove away, in a daze, in a fog of disbelief. To top it off in true “Dimple of the Universe” form, a run-in with a coworker as I attempted to get in my car without him noticing my distress. I repeatedly listened to “Lost Stars”,a song from the soundtrack of the movie with the same name.

Lost Stars

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When I had children, I was given one job. To give these children my best. That level of best is me pushing myself beyond exhaustion, financial brokenness and the brink of socially acceptable sanity. My last post Hello, Adult Protective Services… left me with a lot of guilt. Like a football kicker, parents have one job. You know what I mean, when the kicker misses, I’m yelling “YOU’VE GOT ONE JOB!”

My girls have been on a recent break from school and have been home. If I had the money, I’d stay home and homeschool them. It’s been glorious. No homework, no practices. Just dinner and relaxing at home. They’ve been all mine and I’ve been theirs…and I’ve never felt more lonely. The good news is, children have more forgiving power than adults.

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Yeah…that’s really all I have. I still don’t know what happened. But I do know this. I only want to be a good mother. My youngest will be “out of the house” in nine years. Maybe I’ll get it together by then.

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Hello? Yes, Is this Adult Protective Services? I’d Like to Report My Children.

“Everyone just go to bed. I don’t give a shit anymore.”

That’s how this evening just ended.

I’m tired. I’m tired of no one coming home with their stuff. I’m tired of my “go to bed” reminder going off and I’m still in my heels, pencil skirt and it’s no where near bedtime for me or them. I’m tired of being asked to do things for the next day when I’m already at my breaking point and they had ample opportunity to ask other adults for help.

Smaller Child: “mom, it’s (inset fundraiser) time. Can you call/post to get pledges by tomorrow. If you do, I could get two things.” (Of value less than $5 total.)

Me: “No! No! No! No! Don’t ask me to do anything for the next day after 8 pm ever again!”

This leads into a several minute rant regarding my time versus the school’s time and how they can fundraise on their own time if they would like, but I refuse!!! Followed by tears from the back seat.

Me (to larger child): “I just need your lunchbox.”

Larger Child: “well…I…”

Me: “everyone go to bed, I don’t give a shit anymore.”

She’s been at school since 7:30 am. She has had fast food and cheered two basketball games. She’s 12. I get it.

But what I don’t get is why school priorities trump home priorities. What if I just decide to forget to take care of them because I have to work. Can I call the Department of Adult Protective Services on my Kids? Seriously?

Goodnight…and remember tomorrow when you see my kids, I don’t give a shit!

New Adventure? A Podcast! “Ask Me About” is Launched

On January 17, with my dear friend, member of  the bromance, “The Mentor”, we launched our podcast Ask Me About. We have spent a good deal of intentional discussion based on our past and current conversations about relationships and what we would like to share with others to create this podcast. Our goal is to share through our own experiences and research how to do better and be better in regards to relationships. 

First: please subscribe to the podcast in ITunes. And beyond subscribing, review it! 

Second: submit questions for us. We want to know what you want to know. Relationships, backgrounds, date ideas, appropriate undergarments (personal pet peeve of mine), ANYTHING!!! 

Third: listen and share. That’s all. Our podcasts will be less a than 30 minutes on average. Listen while you drive, getting ready for your day, cooking, or just chill out with it. 

The past two years have built up to this latest adventure. Your support is felt and very much appreciated. Many of you will get to hear my voice for the first time and that’s pretty exciting too! I look forward to speaking to you through an additional medium, and I hope you do too. 

“The Mentor” and I will be recording tonight so stay tuned. 

Just of note, I’m a huge podcast fan! Below are some of my favorites to check out as well:


Pantsuit Politics
Pop Culture Happy Hour
Death, Sex and Money

The Force of Love That Sings in the Rain

“The love of my life.” That’s what some say we should hope to find. Typically, I find they are discussing the romantic love we devote an entire lifetime to. Either, being in love, looking for it or fighting to keep it. I have even had justifying, sad conversations about the love of your life already passing by. Your first true love when you are 17 and stupid and let it go. Or 21, stupid and let it go. In the lowest of the low moments, I think I could have just stayed married and been miserable like a majority of people do. That sounds awful, terrible, a waste of time, a waste of life and a waste of love. No one should ever subject themselves to that, but they do. So the question is, the one I have, does “the love of your life”, have to be romantic?

Classic and Sci Fi movie lovers along with the entirety of popular culture learned this week of the deaths of Carrie Fisher and Debbie Reynolds. Fisher passed away on 12.27.16 and Reynolds on 12.28.16. For me personally, I am also facing the birthday of my oldest daughter on 12.30.16. I was shocked when I heard of Fisher’s death. I had recently listened to her interview on NPR with Terry Gross A few things stuck out to me in that interview, but the main one being how Fisher has become a beside caregiver for her mother through her recent decline n health. During the interview, Fisher talks about a period of her life at 19 and the relationship she had at that time. She was also filming Star Wars and the relationship she discusses is the affair she was having with married co star Harrison Ford.  She kept a journal of her time while she filmed Star Wars. Her last book, The Princess Diarist has many excerpts from this journal. During the interview; Gross asks Fisher to read from the book how she described the relationship with Ford during this period.

GROSS: In your journal that you kept during “Star Wars” you write a lot about your relationship with Harrison Ford. And I want to ask you to read an excerpt of that journal. This is where you’re describing how Harrison Ford was like a fantasy for you, but the fantasy did not always work out. And it was – you kind of projected a lot onto him, so if you could read an excerpt for us.

FISHER: Sure.

(Reading) We have no feeling for one another. We lie buried together during the night and haunt each other by day, acting out something that we don’t feel and seeing through something that doesn’t deserve any focus. I have never done anything quite like this. I sit patiently awaiting the consequences. I talk, walk, eat, sleep, patiently awaiting the consequences. How can a thing that doesn’t seem to be happening come to an end? George says that if you look at the person that someone chooses to have a relationship with, you’ll see what they think of themselves. So Harrison is what I think of myself. It’s hardly a relationship, but nevertheless he is a choice. I examined all the options and chose the most likely to leave no emotional investments. Never love for me, only obsession. Someone has to stand still for you to love them. My choices are always on the run.

I have looked back on my relationships, recent and prior to my marriage and recall them as extremely formative and scarily similar to what she describes above. “If you look at the person that someone chooses to have a relationship with, you’ll see what they think of themselves.” I haven’t been seeing myself in a very good light if this is the case. Attributes like dignity, responsibility, honesty and devotion are becoming very, very attractive.

princess-diarist

 

Following the news of their deaths, I wanted to hear from Reynolds so I found another interview. During the interview regarding her recent memoir “Unsinkable”

unsinkable

I was reminded and just as shocked to find out that Reynolds first husband Eddie Fisher, Carrie Fisher’s father, left the family to marry Elizabeth Taylor, Reynolds best friend. Over the years Reynolds attempted marriage two additional times with Harry Karl (1960-1973) and Richard Hamlet (1984-1996). During the time of Reynolds relationships, Fisher has the affair with Harrison Ford. She then is married to Paul Simon for one year (1983-1984). She was also briefly engaged to Dan Aykrod. She then had a child with Billy Catherine Lourd in 1992. Lourd left the relationship to be with another man. Fisher had a very successful professional life not only acting, but writing eight books and producing films. She unfortunately struggled with drug use and mental illness becoming an advocate in these areas. Many called the mother/daughter relationship complicated but at the end, they proved to be a tremendous support for each other. Fisher talks about being at her bedside in recent interviews and Reynolds was supportive of her daughter. Son of Reynolds and brother of Fisher, Todd Fisher is quoted saying that some of Reynolds last words were of Fisher; “I just want to be with Carrie.” Is it possible to die of a broken heart? I believe in this case, it was. All of this, topped with a year that was far disappointing on so many levels-multiple celebrity deaths, an election that makes many of us question the sanity of the American people; no matter what side you are on, but I have had a discovery thanks to the this mother daughter tragedy.

I have participated in many discussions regarding a full life. In my life, I don’t define its success by being in a current and more than likely disastrous romantic relationship. People in marriages, either visibly or internally shake their head at me…most of the time. However, let’s pose a question. Looking back on the timeline of Reynolds failed marriages, and Fishers failed relationships along with her mental health status and substance abuse, is it possible that the men in their lives were to root of the estrangement? Was the battle based in the nonrecognition of the true love of their lives, eachother?

I will continue to respect myself and the relationships I have with men, but after this deep moment of thought and reflection, I may join the realization that a man will not be the love of my life and enjoy that the loves of my life are already in my life. Present and accounted for are my children. Two delightful young ladies who I adore. The heart of this mother is full of these children’s love. My family. The gift of good parents is a blessing not to take lightly. A brother and now a sister in law that’s presence is a joy. Their love and marriage was one of the best things of 2016. My girlfriends. I will admit, in the past year I have neglected these ladies. One of my resolutions will be to spend more time developing deeper relationships with my group of female friends. As I look back, I was devoting more time to men and received no benefits from my devotions and these women are still here even though they have been neglected. My bromances. My sweet devoted male friends. So much they know, so much the honor and so many times they have kept me from the edge of insanity.

After that kind of acclaim and review, now you see why I am more focused on a truer love, a force that defies romance, men and women. So, here’s to Debbie Reynolds and Carrie Fisher and all the other single mothers successfully surviving in their Motherhood. They were complete and were given the gift of “the loves of their lives” when Carrie Fisher was born to Debbie Reynolds. The thoughts of I am not complete until I am remarried is so 2016.

Please watch the tribute below and remember their love.

May the Force Be with Us All.

Reynolds/Fisher Tribute

 

 

 

 

 

 

Universe Giveth…Universe Taketh Away

I have brief and spread, far enough apart, periods of time separated from the little ladies. Many, many, many times I have sat alone thinking “now is when I need someone.” Recently, that issue resolved itself…

I have been focusing on asking for exactly what I want. Very specific things. And it has finally, finally worked! The last time when I had a free week, I asked for someone to date during that time. I got exactly what I asked for. Then like there was an invisible, muted timer, he was gone. The evening after our last date, I received a message telling me that “we needed to slow down”, “it’s not you, it’s me.” ” I think you are beautiful, kind, sweet. And there’s no one else.” And….


I just want to point out I had specifically asked for someone to fill this time…the universe listened and supplied him. I asked for this?… Yes, yes I did! And in a strange way, I may have asked him to go.


Surprisingly, I’ve been totally fine with it. And I fear it’s because I was developing “FOMO: The fear of missing out”. This may be why so many of my relationships never work. I find myself by date three thinking is this just a waste of time? If the thought comes in then I might as well tell him so we can part without the drama. At this age, we can cut the bull…you have something better, you have hang ups, you have a manipulative tween, whatever-shoot me straight and don’t waste my time. I’ll do the same for you. 

Universe Giveth…Universe Taketh Away


I was hanging out with a few of my “bro-mances ” (I needed to be with those men who love me). They were very proud and supportive of me for putting myself back out there and doing something without any buyers remorse after the deal had sunk in. I worry that over and over again the ends of a relationship doesn’t sadden me but is a source of relief. Over and over, this thing we call dating is a negative source of endless crap that is unnecessary. 

I have an announcement!:

“Men of Dimple-and surrounding counties, you have asked the universe for easy to date women…we are ready! But, are you?” 

So women of Dimple-how about us? Are we going to be ready? To drop the bull, the drama and the overthinking! I feel we can own the Universe so we give them what they ask. Let’s do it Universe of women. Don’t be sorry…just own it and remind them, you are exactly what they asked for. Beyonce Sorry

The Peter Pan Experience

  
That’s where I was last night when my phone rang at 12:48 am. Was I dreaming? Why is he calling me? What on earth? 

“I’m coming out there?”

“Why?”

“She and I just got in a huge fight and if we weren’t broken up before, we are now!”

“Wait…you told me you moved out!”

“Can I come out there? I just need somewhere to sleep. I gotta pick up my daughter at 6.”

“Fine, whatever!”

I get up, brush my teeth. Consider taking off the granny flannels, but decide to leave them on. I head to the kitchen and wait. 

He arrived and in a state.  

 “So, when I break up with her, do you want to date or what?”

This guy has lied, basically cheated, and manipulated me and most importantly wasted my time! 

“Look”, I said. “I can’t even get you to meet and talk to me. I don’t know what to do with you.” 

  
I feel like it’s a ultimatum. 

“You know me.” He says. “It’s not like we have to go through all that stuff.”

I tell him to hush and get some sleep. I didn’t even bother to ask what the latest fight was about. I’ve heard these stories for months now.  I guess he wanted some more attention…

With in 45 mins, he woke me up to tell me he was going to his mother’s! Are you fucking kidding me? Sleep vs. a 30 minute drive to his mother’s. 

“You do what ya gotta do.” I say. “Lock the door on your way out and call me when you get there.” 

I have received several apology texts this morning…well good for you “Peter”. My name is Sally, not Wendy! I shut and locked my window a long time ago.  “Peter” has been trying to #gethisshittogether for a long time. All the Wendy’s eventually grow up. Maybe it’s time “Peter” does too.  

   
 

  

We Should Be Ashamed!

LOVE

It’s Sunday and it’s beautiful. So much joy and beauty to be celebrating, but I am so angry right now I could spit nails! I just left a church service where I found myself holding and praying with a dear friend who is watching her marriage crumble. Her pain and suffering sent me into this rage. I am angry at her husband whose addiction caused this pain. It also makes me extremely ashamed! I am ashamed that I didn’t honor my relationships. I had so much opportunity to be a better part of them, I threw it all away. Also, I have not honored and respected others while seeking my own selfish joys and satisfaction. In the past 72 hours the hypocrisy of beliefs and heterosexuals around the world has become so apparent to me.

Since the beginning of time, the straight relationships have been given all the glory. Humans wrote vows uniting men and women for generations; even eternity. Modern society adopted their legalization of these unions to fit our needs and no other relationship has been honored until Friday, June 26th. This is when the Supreme Court of the United States of America ruled that all unions will be recognized by the federal and state governments. Many homosexual couples headed straight to court offices all over the country to obtain a license to marry. When I went and got my marriage license, this was no big deal. But can you imagine, finally being able to legally unite with the one you cherish above all others being granted.

What do straight people do?  We mock marriage, we lie, hurt and ruin relationships. We cheat and disavow the very right we have taken for granted. We allow people to treat us unfairly. Men and women alike are committing acts of adultery even as I write this. These actions take place at work, phone conversations, texting, Tinder, Facebook, Kik, hotel rooms, cars, even in the bedrooms we share with another.

And what about the innocent bystanders like my friend. The one who is begging for answers and crying out that she wants her reality, even if it may have been fake, back! What about those who we have loved who have moved on but we carry feelings for them that never seem to waiver? What about the number of men and women who are deceiving complete strangers? This is the end of my rope on the subject. I will no longer tolerate being a part of your lies and your wretched example of what love is.

My first incident with lowering my standards was my relationship with Derek. Our first relationship he was single, well as far as I knew. Our two year on and off again, did involve his unresolved remarriage to his wife not once, but twice. My guilt was shadowed for my selfish thought that I was doing the right thing and when it was all over, we would be together. It never happened. His ability to lie to her should have showed me, he could lie to me too. It was some time before I was placed back in that situation again.

The phenomenon of me being “the other woman” didn’t begin until I started using Tinder. One of my first conversations involved a request to talk off Tinder by using either Kik or Snapchat. I was so naive. I mean, come on…I am smarter than this. Why couldn’t I have his number and why didn’t I hear from him in the “after work” hours. His communication with me started at 6:30 am and would carry on until 4:00-5:00 pm. Then he started asking to meet me for lunch. Finally, it came out. He was married. Disgust, horror, shame, this is how I felt. It happened numerous times then I finally figured out their game. Most recently, a very promising candidate gave me a fake last name…so I couldn’t find him on Facebook. He would say, “but I can see your stuff.” My response, “well send me a friend request…” Crickets now for about a week and a half.

How about the one you are friends with and his girlfriend?

“But you can’t kiss me… what about Mary(This is a Gilmore Girls reference).”

“But I’ve always wanted to kiss you. For years!”

Possibly the fact that I am not a “Mary” is what this was all about.

I got fed this line about how the relationship was all in “her” head and had been “off” for months. I believed him and we started dating, but only Monday through Thursday. See Mary traveled for work and came back to town. The first time he ignored me in public, I was hurt, honestly hurt.  This was on a weekend get a way with a group of friends. He explained, the opportunity to discuss with Mary just wasn’t convenient and the plans for her to attend were already set. “She had been looking forward to this trip for months, I hated to disapoint her and explain I was involved with you. And don’t worry, we have separate rooms.” What was his attempt at reassurance. The next week was the same, he and I until Thursday. I grew tired of it after a few weeks. Then I just got mad! I still am…especially when I still see them together. Was he lying to me or is he still lying to her? I do know he is lying to himself.

Then there are those we can’t let go of. The ones we think about, dream about and is dangerous as it is, even still talk to. Marco was caring, kind and a good person. But our worlds were heading in two total different directions. I called it off pretty quick, but we had the occasional re-connection over time. Then he met a really great girl and they moved in together. For sometime, I didn’t hear from him at all. Then it was the occasional, ‘hello’, ‘how are you?’ text. Then he asked to see me.

“Why, why do you need to see me.”  I ask

“There is something I still need from you.” he says

What is it about people that we only need pieces of? All of us, are whole beings. and the uniting of two whole people is so amazing. But what is  missing from one seemingly whole being, that we think another person has that the other doesn’t. The connection we long and search for in our actions of infidelity is not something we find in the other person, it is something we are looking for that is missing from ourselves. The one we are in relationship with doesn’t have it and the one we seek secretly certainly doesn’t contain it either.

If you want to deep dive into the current state of infidelity, check out Esther Perel’s Ted Talk.

Will the ruling giving all Americans the right to marriage make it any more of a mockery than it already is? I believe that the unity of more people, no matter the origin of their love, gives relationships strength. It gives me hope! All of these stories have set a tone to what I consider the future state of love is for humanity…and it’s not good. What happened on Friday, may have changed my perspective. Because not one of the stories above have done anything to strengthen the current state of marriage and relationships in our society. Let us try to love more and judge less.

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Peace to You All,

Sally