And It Can Happen to Your Marriage Too…

It is the Christmas season, but unfortunately it is always the season for divorce. It comes in waves or the law of threes. Death and divorces come in threes for most people. Over the last 12 months, I have had three dear friends divorce, still going through or become temporarily separated. I try to be as compassionate as possible. Using my experiences as “I have been there” stories to hopefully be as helpful as possible. In the end, there is usually hugging and crying no matter what you try to do. And you just have to let them cry.

I am currently reading (really, I am listening to it on Audible) Amy Poehler’s book Yes Please. A few days ago, I made it through the chapter regarding divorce. I was reminded, “No good marriage ever ended in divorce.” My friend “Dated to Death” still reminds me often that I Husband Hunt. I have to remind him every time that I am not, because if he recalls, my marriage ended. I am probably not good at it so why would I want to do that again. It’s true. Putting myself in that place again? Setting my self up for another disaster. It’s all well and good when you do it at 25, when you are dumb, naïve and don’t know what the hell is about to happen. But, I am 37 years old. I have sat with nearly as many divorcing(ed) friends than attended weddings in the last 15 years. To get me back down an aisle, there had better be…honestly, I don’t think there is anything to get me back down an aisle. Not even Matt Carpenter from the St. Louis Cardinals. He is my, “gimme”. You know the famous person that no matter what, if you are given the chance to have sex with you would under any circumstance. I mean, I would do that…but I would not even consider marriage with him.

Back to Ms. Poehler’s book:

The chapter on divorce was amazing. I would like to give you my analysis, thoughts and a few stories related to these. I would also like to give a disclaimer…this may go past the PG13 rating I attempt to keep this blog under. If you continue to read and then at the end are offended…well that’s your problem. You should probably stop now.

#1. “I Want a Divorce! See You Tomorrow.” Here she discusses what it is like to have a divorce and small children. It was so easy when you could end a relationship and move on. But when you have kids with the person you end a relationship with, they are a part of your everyday life. Not just speaking to, but decisions on money, when you will take your vacation, what you will buy your children for Christmas. Insanity! There is more fake smiling than you will ever imagine. Co-Parenting is not for the weak. I know more divorced parents who parent better than married people. Know this…the last word is not worth it. It provides no comfort from watching you kids look at you awkwardly after to fought publicly with their father/mother.

#2. “Get Over It! But Not Too Fast! ” You cry too much.”  You aren’t crying enough.” Dealing with caring people saying things like, “oh, I thought he/she was Gay when you started dating.” (This wasn’t said about my ex, but I have been a part of this extremely inappropriate statement. This is just as bad as asking someone when they are due and they are not pregnant. Keep this thought to yourself. The person you just said that too, has been having sex on a pretty regular basis with the other person…it’s cruel that you now put the thought in their already damaged self esteem.) And then this one, “When do you think you’ll be over it.” You will never be over it…

#3. “Divorce! 10 Ways Not to Catch It.” The struggle is discussing your divorce with otherwise normal people. The worst is if your parents are still married. THEY DON’T GET IT! Even if they have had friends/family get divorced…they didn’t get it when they got divorced and they won’t get it when you get divorced. The saddest part is, they want to. No matter the age of the child, their parents will want to fix it on some level. The dagger every time is when a skinny, stylishly dressed, holding her little “Louis Vuitton” purse says “I just don’t think I could do that to my kids.” After you throat punch them, well…that gets the point across.

#4. “Hey Lady, I Don’t Want to Fuck Your Husband.” I will admit, I have never noticed when women feel this way about me. I also never notice when people don’t like me. It is awkward for me to go places by myself when it would be otherwise appropriate to have your significant other or husband with you. Yeah, you sit alone. The candid photographer at the party doesn’t ask to take your picture. This is when the currently married women start to ask very personal questions and then ask, “Wait, have you seen my husband, I haven’t seen him in a while.” Well, I hate to tell you-you may be worried about me trying to nab your husband, but my bet-he’s in the kitchen flirting or trying to kiss the trashy waitress. Seriously, it’s not divorcee women you should worry about, it’s your own husband. I was out only a few weeks ago. I ran into a friend of mine’s husband. He was having a great night and so was I. Then…his hand was on my ass, arm around my waist and I said with extreme intent: “WHERE IS YOUR WIFE!” Didn’t phase him. I kept going to the bathroom, waiting on him to leave. It took a while, but he was finally gone. Sadly, this is happening more often than you think. And ladies, the inappropriate flirting happens right in front of you. We just don’t have the heart to tell you. So, do not think that your “flabby, baby faced” husband is what I want for a moment. I’ll take my chances in the truly single world over your prize of a husband any day.

As Amy closes the chapter, she states; “I hope these have helped you navigate this supremely shitty time.” and I do too. Promise me this, if you are reading this and still married. If your spouse EVER says, “I want a divorce” you will say Yes Please. If he/she are thinking it in that moment, that “life could be better without you”…he/she will always think that way. Call it quits and join the club. We have the best time at parties while you are looking for your husband.