Shut It Down! Deal Breaker

             

What is perfect? How do you define it? What is part of your perfect? Are there versions of perfection? How does one even begin to explore perfection?

When I examine perfection, I’m more than curious not to what it is but how do you get there? Could it be similar to going to the grocery store without a list? Just hear me out.

In the book, Raving Fans, there are three secrets to creating a Raving Fan for your business. The book is focused on creating loyalty. The three secrets are Decide, Discover and Deliver.

  1. You have to “Decide” what you want.
  2. You have to “Discover” what your customer wants.
  3. Then you deliver the vision plus one percent.

This concept can be culture changing for an organization and quite possibly life changing for those of us…well like me. I have a semi successful dating history, but struggle with the purpose and want to make sure we are following the best steps along the way. “But Sally, how is this like going to the grocery store?”

grocery-list
Have you ever had that little trip to the grocery. You need milk, bread and ham. You don’t need a list for these items…you can do this without it. One hour and $200 later you walk out of the store with everything but milk, bread and ham. How frustrating? Or is it? Instead of the simple items…you now have wine, ice cream, steak, potatoes, three types of potato chips, sriracha sauce, new locally made soap and a vanilla candle. (You really don’t like vanilla candles, but it smelled so good in the store.) Not a thing wrong with these items, but still all you needed was milk, bread, ham and that $200 back.
Just like in Raving Fans, nothing wrong with the way you have been running your business and taking care of customers, but where is the intention. And how do you know if its working? Do all these extra items create a sustainable meal planning for the week?

Are you with me now? Do you see what I’ve been doing? I’ve been shopping without a list. (For men…not groceries.)

In a previous post, New Adventure? A Podcast! “Ask Me About” is Launched, I not only introduced you to my new adventure, the collaborative podcast Ask Me About , I listed some of my favorite podcast. One I am most fond of and will be referencing is Death, Sex and Money If You’re Not_____, Then Never Mind

In this particular episode, our host Anna Sale interviews actor Amy Landecker of Transendent. The focus of the interview is in regards to Landecker’s divorce and return to dating.

From the podcast: “Actor Amy Landecker got divorced in 2011. “It was the worst time of my whole life,” Amy says. “People told me it was going to get better and I didn’t believe them.” Amy and her ex-husband share custody of their daughter, and Amy struggled with being away from her for days at a time.”

Now, I’m used to this story, I’ve told this story. But I really tuned in when she explained that her daughter was the one to tell her it was time to date. “My daughter was worried that I was gonna be alone and…she was like, let’s just make a list of the qualities that we’re looking for,” Amy laughs. “So she takes out this piece of paper and she titles it, ‘If You’re Not This, Then Never Mind.'”

I’ve made several of these lists before, at the recommendations of many people. Prayerfully, by Gametime friend, TBQ, I made a list. It was a good one too, but I went to the store without the list bought ice cream instead. “The Mentor” talked me into another one of these lists too and I went back to the store and bought wine instead…lots of wine.

But that phrasing, “If you’re not this then never mind.” I decided to try again. As I wrote, I saw natural categories of the list. The first set were core principles. The second, for joy or fun and third, were action items. Some may see this list as basic, but nothing that becomes a nonnegotiable, a dealbreaker, is basic. So…here it is:

If You’re Not This, Then Never Mind

  • If you’re not a Christian, then never mind.
  • If you’re not working, then never mind.
  • If you’re not a Democrat, then never mind.
  • If you’re not politically minded, then never mind.
  • If you’re not a beach lover, then never mind.
  • If you’re not a music lover, then never mind.
  • If you’re not a sports fan, then never mind.
  • If you’re not going to buy me flowers, then never mind.
  • If you’re not going to respect my Southern ways, then never mind.
  • If you’re not going to respect my motherhood, then never mind.

I’ve carried this list with me for months…and I have neither added to it nor edited it since I originally wrote it. It’s just this simple. These embody my three secrets: decide, discover and deliver. The master grocery list. The nonnegotiables. The deal breakers.

Don’t spend too much time trying to dig holes into mine. Instead, take that time to write your own. Write your very own milk, bread and ham! Enjoy the ice cream, steak and locally made soap along the way…but don’t forget the milk, bread and ham either.And please, don’t buy the vanilla candle…you don’t like it. You know you don’t like it.

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The Force of Love That Sings in the Rain

“The love of my life.” That’s what some say we should hope to find. Typically, I find they are discussing the romantic love we devote an entire lifetime to. Either, being in love, looking for it or fighting to keep it. I have even had justifying, sad conversations about the love of your life already passing by. Your first true love when you are 17 and stupid and let it go. Or 21, stupid and let it go. In the lowest of the low moments, I think I could have just stayed married and been miserable like a majority of people do. That sounds awful, terrible, a waste of time, a waste of life and a waste of love. No one should ever subject themselves to that, but they do. So the question is, the one I have, does “the love of your life”, have to be romantic?

Classic and Sci Fi movie lovers along with the entirety of popular culture learned this week of the deaths of Carrie Fisher and Debbie Reynolds. Fisher passed away on 12.27.16 and Reynolds on 12.28.16. For me personally, I am also facing the birthday of my oldest daughter on 12.30.16. I was shocked when I heard of Fisher’s death. I had recently listened to her interview on NPR with Terry Gross A few things stuck out to me in that interview, but the main one being how Fisher has become a beside caregiver for her mother through her recent decline n health. During the interview, Fisher talks about a period of her life at 19 and the relationship she had at that time. She was also filming Star Wars and the relationship she discusses is the affair she was having with married co star Harrison Ford.  She kept a journal of her time while she filmed Star Wars. Her last book, The Princess Diarist has many excerpts from this journal. During the interview; Gross asks Fisher to read from the book how she described the relationship with Ford during this period.

GROSS: In your journal that you kept during “Star Wars” you write a lot about your relationship with Harrison Ford. And I want to ask you to read an excerpt of that journal. This is where you’re describing how Harrison Ford was like a fantasy for you, but the fantasy did not always work out. And it was – you kind of projected a lot onto him, so if you could read an excerpt for us.

FISHER: Sure.

(Reading) We have no feeling for one another. We lie buried together during the night and haunt each other by day, acting out something that we don’t feel and seeing through something that doesn’t deserve any focus. I have never done anything quite like this. I sit patiently awaiting the consequences. I talk, walk, eat, sleep, patiently awaiting the consequences. How can a thing that doesn’t seem to be happening come to an end? George says that if you look at the person that someone chooses to have a relationship with, you’ll see what they think of themselves. So Harrison is what I think of myself. It’s hardly a relationship, but nevertheless he is a choice. I examined all the options and chose the most likely to leave no emotional investments. Never love for me, only obsession. Someone has to stand still for you to love them. My choices are always on the run.

I have looked back on my relationships, recent and prior to my marriage and recall them as extremely formative and scarily similar to what she describes above. “If you look at the person that someone chooses to have a relationship with, you’ll see what they think of themselves.” I haven’t been seeing myself in a very good light if this is the case. Attributes like dignity, responsibility, honesty and devotion are becoming very, very attractive.

princess-diarist

 

Following the news of their deaths, I wanted to hear from Reynolds so I found another interview. During the interview regarding her recent memoir “Unsinkable”

unsinkable

I was reminded and just as shocked to find out that Reynolds first husband Eddie Fisher, Carrie Fisher’s father, left the family to marry Elizabeth Taylor, Reynolds best friend. Over the years Reynolds attempted marriage two additional times with Harry Karl (1960-1973) and Richard Hamlet (1984-1996). During the time of Reynolds relationships, Fisher has the affair with Harrison Ford. She then is married to Paul Simon for one year (1983-1984). She was also briefly engaged to Dan Aykrod. She then had a child with Billy Catherine Lourd in 1992. Lourd left the relationship to be with another man. Fisher had a very successful professional life not only acting, but writing eight books and producing films. She unfortunately struggled with drug use and mental illness becoming an advocate in these areas. Many called the mother/daughter relationship complicated but at the end, they proved to be a tremendous support for each other. Fisher talks about being at her bedside in recent interviews and Reynolds was supportive of her daughter. Son of Reynolds and brother of Fisher, Todd Fisher is quoted saying that some of Reynolds last words were of Fisher; “I just want to be with Carrie.” Is it possible to die of a broken heart? I believe in this case, it was. All of this, topped with a year that was far disappointing on so many levels-multiple celebrity deaths, an election that makes many of us question the sanity of the American people; no matter what side you are on, but I have had a discovery thanks to the this mother daughter tragedy.

I have participated in many discussions regarding a full life. In my life, I don’t define its success by being in a current and more than likely disastrous romantic relationship. People in marriages, either visibly or internally shake their head at me…most of the time. However, let’s pose a question. Looking back on the timeline of Reynolds failed marriages, and Fishers failed relationships along with her mental health status and substance abuse, is it possible that the men in their lives were to root of the estrangement? Was the battle based in the nonrecognition of the true love of their lives, eachother?

I will continue to respect myself and the relationships I have with men, but after this deep moment of thought and reflection, I may join the realization that a man will not be the love of my life and enjoy that the loves of my life are already in my life. Present and accounted for are my children. Two delightful young ladies who I adore. The heart of this mother is full of these children’s love. My family. The gift of good parents is a blessing not to take lightly. A brother and now a sister in law that’s presence is a joy. Their love and marriage was one of the best things of 2016. My girlfriends. I will admit, in the past year I have neglected these ladies. One of my resolutions will be to spend more time developing deeper relationships with my group of female friends. As I look back, I was devoting more time to men and received no benefits from my devotions and these women are still here even though they have been neglected. My bromances. My sweet devoted male friends. So much they know, so much the honor and so many times they have kept me from the edge of insanity.

After that kind of acclaim and review, now you see why I am more focused on a truer love, a force that defies romance, men and women. So, here’s to Debbie Reynolds and Carrie Fisher and all the other single mothers successfully surviving in their Motherhood. They were complete and were given the gift of “the loves of their lives” when Carrie Fisher was born to Debbie Reynolds. The thoughts of I am not complete until I am remarried is so 2016.

Please watch the tribute below and remember their love.

May the Force Be with Us All.

Reynolds/Fisher Tribute

 

 

 

 

 

 

And Your Tinder Match Received 4 Stars!

Many advances have helped the online dating sites. However, I need one more. I need a rating. I need the feedback of others who have been out with these guys. Especially those who don’t write anything in their bio. Who are you? I realize you like to hunt, fish, ride your Harley, skydive…and play the guitar but I need more.

Just a simple star rating is fine. I don’t typically eat at restaurants or purchase clothes with less than 3 out of 4 stars, so the same would apply here. But I also read the reviews. I realize there is always someone who can’t be pleased but the input is greatly appreciated.

For this development,  a few questions to be considered in the review section.

  1. Did he actually take you on a date? Yes, sometimes there is no intention of a date. I was asked recently to come over and snuggle. Ummm…I don’t know you, know where you live or know what your hygiene habits are! And further…what if you have bad breath, haven’t washed your sheets or your have like a million cats or dogs. Or, like to turn on the lights. I went to a guys house once and asked to use the restroom. He took me through the entire house in total darkness. Then I had to find my way back to the living room where there were no lights on except the TV. He asked if I wanted to stay.I said, no. I was afraid to see what the place looked like in the daylight.
  2. Did you have to plan the date or did he? yes, I am not kidding here either. He: Let’s meet. Me: That sounds like a great idea. Where would you like to go? When? What time works for you? He: Idk . . . . . . . .  Me: Well let’s meet at X on Saturday at 5. He: Idk. . . . . . . Me: Here’s my number, just text me. (123)555-7890. Saturday rolls around…and crickets. Why are you here dude? Why are you taking up space?
  3. Are you permanent to the area? Most apps are set up by location. My filter is set for less than 40 miles from my current location. So if a guy drives an 18-wheeler and I live 15 miles from the interstate, then he’s in my potential matches. And, they usually list their career as self-employed. I have learned how to spot a tractor trailer cab in a selfie in a snap! Or, are you here to visit your grandmother for 2 weeks or just stopped at the Cracker Barrell to eat on your way to or from the beach? I talked to a guy for an hour before I realized we matched while he stopped for gas and he was already home….in Cincinnati!
  4. Do you plan on actually meeting who you match with? I can text my friends, my mother, my brother…I don’t plan on texting you more than a day. Plan a date or move on buddy.
  5. Does he text you inappropriate things…immediately? To be perfectly honest, once in a relationship, a little fun t*(s)exting is really a good time. However….Well, just check out my message from this morning: tinder-postIt took 5 minutes for him to go there. And there are a variety of guys with fetishes. I am not judging them for it…you do you, but please don’t think that because I am on Tinder, that I would like to have a personal relationship with your dog! Yeah, wish I had that on a screenshot. And these are nice guys, with good jobs. They live in a nice area. On Tinder, you can’t judge a profile by its cover.
  6. Are they divorced? Are they in an open relationship? Does their significant other know they are telling women on Tinder they are in an open relationship or that they are already dating because their first meeting was with the divorce attorney is this week? “I’ll be divorced in a few months.” “I’m nearly divorced.” “She knows I am on Tinder, that’s why I put her pictures with me on my profile.” Yes, I am not kidding, they post pics of their significant others. Just wait until you recognize someone.
  7. And the kids. I will almost always swipe left, meaning a no, if there are any kids in the pics. Even the ones who say, “the kids in the pics are my nieces/nephews.” I don’t care! What makes you think, I am interested in how you smile with kids for pictures?
  8. Current/Previous Hang ups: Have you or are you currently in drug rehabilitation? No offense to the good people of a county nearby, but if a guys is on Tinder and from there…I immediately think he’s in a half way house staying sober. True story! And it all worked out. He was lovely, but still…really…is that a good idea to match with a girl who has a glass of wine in one of her pictures. Political status? Huge. One app, Bumble  will even let you put a filter around your pics. I appreciate that tremendously. Are you worried I may be taller than you? This is why they put their height on their profiles. Guess what? I will be taller than you more than likely. I like heels. Does it bother you that I am smart, carry on a conversation, live in my hometown, go to church…and enjoy it, etc.

Due to my unfortunate abundance of experience, I’d be happy to serve on a panel to have post date interviews and award a rating. The earning potential for time management alone would be worth it. I am sure there is money to be made or it is hopefully already in development. Until then, I will keep taking screenshots and texting these to my friends. Here is a thought.  If you are interested in being in this little experiment, go to my Facebook or Twitter profiles. Let me know you’d like to “judge” my matches and I’ll send you their profiles.

Facebook: @sexandthemotherhood

Twitter: @satmotherhood

Why even bother, you may be asking? For starters, the amount of laughter these incidents create is immeasurable. I’d give some of these conversations 4 stars. The issue is, without appropriate guidance, you can waste an evening, up to months with a guy whom, if you had had a little review, all of this waste of time could have been avoided. Two weeks ago, I fired up the ole Tinder again and I haven’t regretted it once. I’ve been out on three dates in two weeks. That was better than I was doing, right? And, just to be completely transparent, the fall is coming and the season of hiberdating is upon us. I’d really like to be settled and snuggled on a couch by the first frost…but not on the first date

Is It Better to Burn Out or Fade Away…Current State of Current Relationships

I have recently fired up the online dating again. Thought it would be good to distract me from others I have been thinking of often. So far, I am yet again fairly popular. I have no trouble setting up dates and further more, having good dates. I showed up Monday to one in my workout clothes, ponytail and mostly sweated off make up. And again…success! He loved me. What happens next is what I struggle with the most. These great dates lead to burn outs or the relationships just fade away.

High Fidelty…Is it better to burn out or fade away.

I would really like to know how to keep the momentum going after a great date.  Am I blowing it all on the first date and they are done with me? That’s the burn out. Worse I think is if the momentum continues through multiple dates and then-“fade away”. Conversations change, lose excitement. Tones change, become boring and not even worth my time.

But is it worth my time? Today as I was explaining my frustrations to a work friend, I realized I was describing a relationship that I had been wanting and asking for. I hear from him on a regular basis. We have casual dates on a regular basis. He is caring and smart. He can talk to me and lets me talk.

I may possibly be okay with the current situation if it weren’t for the fact that I feel something is missing. When I was in college and dating my now ex-husband we were hanging out at a friend’s apartment. One of the girls said, “hey-who has my Baby Makin Music CD?” And so it begins…an entire CD solely based on 90’s and early 2000’s R&B. Those old school slow dance or slow “whatever” songs. The ones the boy put on when he drove out to Albert Matthews Road. This is where the girl acting like she didn’t know what was about to go down. “Where are we going?” as she finishes her 2nd Bud Ice. One of my favorites; LL Cool J. “Doin It and Doin It and Doin It Well” Remember this one?

Doin It

Where did that kind of excitement go?

Here’s my point, is it me or is it him or is it us? No sparks and I continue or give up and wait on sparks? And always, always, in the back of my mind-IS THIS WORTH GETTING HURT OVER?

I was driving home tonight, damn Adele came on. When will her music stop being my biography?! The hurt and pain is still there. I survived a damn divorce while I was pregnant! I came out strong and ready to love again. Where did those feelings go? I avoid relationships that matter like a stomach bug!

“If, this is my last night with you, hold me like I’m more than just a friend. Give me a memory I can use. Take me by the hand and do what lovers do. It matters how this ends, cause WHAT IF I NEVER LOVE AGAIN.”-Adele

The Song That Changed My Life?

**I hope to goodness, you click on these links!

NPR’s Pop Culture Happy Hour “Life Changing Songs”

One of my weekly favorites is to listen to NPR’s podcast, Pop Culture Happy Hour. The latest episode featured a segment on “Life Changing Songs” It made me wonder…what song(s) changed my life? When I wrote What’s Your Theme Song?, I was kind of on the same page. Many of those songs are from life changing moments, but really, is there a song, one song, that changed my life. A song that really made me take it all in and change the course of what was happening. This is not a song that just marked a passing in time, this would have to be a directional changed.

I immediately went to Dave Matthews Band. Within a few bars of a melody, I can be in a place and time of joy, love, sadness, regret. The music and lyrics to these works are autobiographical to me. Many have multiple meanings. I knew my life was forever changed when I listened to this one. I was very freshly broken up with my first true love. Grace describes “Adam” as my relationship Utopia. No one has ever put me more in that place of total trust than Adam. Recently, I was trying to explain why it was so easy to love Adam. I had no one else to care for. I was 18, moving to college and he was my world. It is easy to love when you have no other worries in the world. It is easy to love before you grow up and realize that life can really be hard, really be sad and really be devastating. This is terribly hard to explain to people that were fortunate to spend a lifetime with their Utopian loves. If you can take a moment, go back with me…are you there. Remember him or her….I give you Dave Matthews Band  “I’ll Back You Up.”Dave Matthews Band, “I’ll Back You Up” 7.12.2000 For Adam and I, Dave Matthews Band was our band. Most of the 13 shows I’ve seen of DMB, he was there.

With this song I moved on and past him. I moved into adulthood. It may be possible that no relationship will ever be like that one, ever. I had it once, for 3 amazing care free years. I grew up and so did he. He became a wonderful husband, father and professionally successful. I can’t ever put myself in that life with him. We were so young , I don’t think I would have remained “in love” with the adult Adam and to be honest, I don’t think he would have remained in love with me. Sally at 21 is definitely not the Sally at 35+. We all have to grow up sometime, and this song is my growing up song. I realized this when I attended Adam’s father’s funeral. I’ll always back him up, and I know he will always back me up.

The biggest change I ever experienced was becoming a mother. When I was on maternity leave with my oldest, Gilmore Girls came on everyday at 10 am and 3 pm. I still remember rocking her to this. Gilmore Girls Theme.  When my second daughter was born, we watched the Gilmore Girls too. Anytime I think of being a mother to my girls, Lorelai Gilmore is who I most relate to. We are not foreign to making mistakes, we are not foreign to bad timing, and we are most definitely not foreign to our children knowing when our relationships end and what it’s like to be hurt by men. My one true worry, is that they will follow in my footsteps when it comest to love. I want them to love with their whole hearts like I do, but I also want them to keep their hearts close and guard them deeply. That’s the Gilmore Girl mistake. It’s a new process for me, but I believe it is working out for the best.

In the last year, I have had to change my heart to forget someone. Do you know how hard that is? I have to purposefully attempt every day to not think of him. I thought when I wrote him a letter, I could put him past me, but it isn’t that easy. Most days I wonder if I am really trying. The truth is, I have never been able to tell the entire story. You got pieces of it in Break Up Via Selfie…Again? and I’m Gonna Sit Right Down and Write Myself a Letter, but you have no idea. My soul was punched right in the stomach when Joy Williams released this song right about the time…all that happened. Joy Williams, “What A Good Woman Does” I promised never to tell the truth about Cleats, and I never will. Yesterday, that promise was truly tested.

I have spent all week, studying my musical history, and I am at a loss…what song has CHANGED my life? I have plenty that were a part of “changes” but as much as I love music, I can’t put my finger on a song where I heard it and did something different-actually changed my life. I look forward to the one that does…it’s going to be epic and it better be good, real good! As my dear friend, “Shannon” told me this weekend, “I have a feeling you will have everything you need by the time you are 40.” I said, “You realize, that’s in 2 1/2 years, right?”

“Designing” a Community of Man Children

I have considered a relationship with a long time friend. There was always something about him. He approached me several months ago about this possibility. I never really took it very seriously because he was currently in a relationship. Not a marriage, but had a girlfriend. However, this week he texted me. He explained that the relationship was ending and did I feel there was any chance for us. I told him that I would like to discuss it. He said he had sometime this weekend. Well, today I got impatient waiting so I texted him and asked if he was busy today. He responded: “Sally, I’ve got shit to do for a while today…maybe later on.” I called “bullshit” and explained “I find that hard to believe.” Then he said, “Football is on…” His proposal of discussing a potential relationship with me had to wait on football? And I like football, would have been a lovely companion. Through this process, I have adopted a new practice; I don’t give second chances. I hope he likes his football and a relationship with his hand.

Friday afternoon a guy wanted to make plans with me. We will call it a date. The plan was he would call me when he got off work. We had really been struggling to set a date, so it appeared that our early afternoon plans would finally happen. I didn’t hear from him again until Saturday night at 9:21 pm. “I fell asleep on the couch and woke up at 6. Figured you were already out.” I responded today, Sunday morning, “OK”. No second chances.

I have a friend, you may call our relationship a “bromance”. He is recently divorced, I honestly don’t think the ink is dry. Since his marriage crumbled, he and I have mentored each other. So, let’s call him what he is, “Mentor”. He is the one that introduced me to Neil Strauss and “The Game.” He now has me reading “Mate” by Tucker Max and Geoffrey Miller, PHD. I’m supposed to be reading it from a women’s perspective…that’s a little difficult, but anyway. We were having one of our marathon conversations today and I made a statement I have been wanting to say for a while. “I am extremely disappointed in the culture and community of men to date these days.” And the “mentor” agreed. Then he, a man, a single man said, “We have a huge abundance of man children running around.” YES!

The married community doesn’t understand the difference in dating and hooking up. I was asked, “so what are you looking for?” My response is what it always is. I want someone to go to dinner with one night a week when I don’t have my girls. I want plans with said person every other weekend. A date to special events and if things go well, I’d may like to travel with this person. “So, you want a hook up?” No, that’s not it at all. Hook ups are easy. I have at least 5 numbers right now I could call and make that happen. If I were bored a ten minute trip to a bar and an hour later, you can have that. What I want is incredibly difficult when you have man children to work with. There is also this notion that because I have a mid level of professional success, along with an abundance of confidence and that I am the mother of two children, I am “difficult to date.” What about the statement above of what I require makes me difficult? If anything, it would seem to be dumbed down to a way that even a mere child could comprehend. But I digress, we are dealing with man children.

Some may say, I am man hating or bashing men. You could say that if I didn’t have research and experience to prove my case. I have made this challenge before. I dare you to date me, just as I have requested above. Just what I thought…it’s too easy. Man children aren’t accustomed to easy…well not that kind of easy anyway.

I will accept my fault in the role of creating man children. I’ve attempted to make myself easy to date like many single women and we have ruined men in the process. The continued participation and acceptance of the practices for online dating is not helping either. And let me be clear, it doesn’t matter if you pay for the site or not. It doesn’t matter if you spent hours on a questionnaire or just put the best selfie you have on the profile. Man children are there too. Again, making ourselves easy to date. Her is some very fundamental advice from southern belle extraordinaire-Suzanne Sugarbaker. Too bad I wasn’t listening to her in my more formative years.

Notes: a man in intensive care doesn’t sound too bad these days. Also, I don’t play hard to get. “Advertise and then withhold.” Now that’s something I can work with. “It never hurts to hurt them a little bit in the beginning.”-Suzanne Sugarbaker

Now, I do realize this will lower my success rate, but it can’t get any worse. Just like last night. I was at a party…could have made a phone call or two (or five). Instead, I just sat back and watched others, went to bed early. Woke up and spent the day in bed with my friend “Grace”. Ate pasta and chocolate while watching hours of Designing Women episodes.

All, I’m saying is that would it hurt the man children if we said less “yes” and maybe more “not this time.” The men are like spoiled children and maybe a little discipline won’t be too bad. Parents always say, “this is going to hurt me more than its going to hurt you.” Boy, at this rate, I’m going to need a pain pill. I’ve wasted so much energy on man children.

Just one more thing….“And I don’t mean that bitchy.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Quality Vs. “The Unicorn”

I really don’t have a good opening. I am forever perplexed by the never ending ability of men, I mean boys, to avoid a difficult conversation by falling off the face of the earth. Let me back up a bit.

The Urban Dictionary defines “The Unicorn” as:  “that girl that you can’t catch. Everything about her is so perfect (divine, if you will) getting with her is unfathomable. She is truly a blessing from God. Bumping into her on the sidewalk is a good day. Holding a conversation with her… you were probably dreaming. Anything beyond that – good luck. It takes time, effort, and a whole lot of persistency. But never give up; unicorns are said to be “uncatchable,” but nothing is impossible. Impossible is nothing. Under no circumstances, never ever, not ever, at no time, should you ever marry a girl who is not your unicorn…  Everyone has a unicorn; it’s just a matter of spotting her and tracking her down. Give it time, it will happen. “For destiny grants us our wishes, but in its own way, in order to give us something beyond our wishes.”-Urban Dictionary

I have had multiple in-depth conversations with men about Unicorns. There is always a discussion of her being hot beyond any other girl they have ever met. Also alongside her attractiveness is her ability to be not too smart(or the ability to hide it very well) and has an over the top bitch attitude. Most men I have spoken to would do anything to date their Unicorn. So let’s see what happens when a man gets to date his Unicorn.

I didn’t even intend to date him. We met for a drink, then a dinner, then another dinner and another. My first mistake…I let him pay. If I didn’t intend to date him, why did I let him pay? Our last date was absolutely amazing. My pursuit of him so far was non existent. He called, he texted, he snapped, he made all the dates. We spent several hours talking and laughing on our next to last date. This was our first kiss…date 4 or 5 depending on if you count the drinks. My one mistake-I asked to see him the next night. I awoke the next morning and allowed myself to be excited. Through the excitement I allowed my vulnerability to show. He came to my house we watched a movie and…crickets.

When you read more about the Unicorn it truly does place a fictional, mystical idea of the perfect woman. But what happens when she becomes real? The death of a unicorn is the sole responsibility not from the women…but the idea of her is killed by a man, the man. He is now disappointed, afraid, vulnerable and allows his created idea of her to vanish.

The reality is the girl…his Unicorn, places the now mythical idea on the boy and he is now her Unicorn. With the tables turned, she is no longer the unicorn. She is a real person with feelings, thoughts, wants and desires. A unicorn  no more, she is disposable. It’s easy to give up the another girl. “I know you are afraid, but fear can make you kind. Fear is like a companion. Fear can bring you together, fear can bring you home.”-Clara, Doctor Who. Most men are afraid of their Unicorn. But more certain than that…men without true quality are afraid of a real girl. They ignore the fear and the ability to accept their own vulnerability.

This is when his quality begins to show. The girl discovers her thought of him being a Unicorn and he is just another Ass! If the boy can not be a man long enough to tell the truth…

Now, we can circle back to the first paragraph…I don’t have a closing either. I have wasted too much time as it is on this.

There is an interesting tie to these men. One might call it a twist of fate. A few weeks prior to this disaster…another fella disappeared on me. Both have a similar “acquaintance”. This “acquaintance”, prior to their vanishing from our relationship, the “acquaintance” contacted me to ask if we were dating. Within days…”So poof, vamoose! Son of a Bitch.”-Jay Z. I’m not a Unicorn…even though some may consider me to be in the beginning. “I ain’t passed the  bar, but I know a little bit.”-Jay Z also said. I know enough to try and see if these twists of fate lead me to the involvement of someone, maybe the “acquaintance”.

 

 

And It Can Happen to Your Marriage Too…

It is the Christmas season, but unfortunately it is always the season for divorce. It comes in waves or the law of threes. Death and divorces come in threes for most people. Over the last 12 months, I have had three dear friends divorce, still going through or become temporarily separated. I try to be as compassionate as possible. Using my experiences as “I have been there” stories to hopefully be as helpful as possible. In the end, there is usually hugging and crying no matter what you try to do. And you just have to let them cry.

I am currently reading (really, I am listening to it on Audible) Amy Poehler’s book Yes Please. A few days ago, I made it through the chapter regarding divorce. I was reminded, “No good marriage ever ended in divorce.” My friend “Dated to Death” still reminds me often that I Husband Hunt. I have to remind him every time that I am not, because if he recalls, my marriage ended. I am probably not good at it so why would I want to do that again. It’s true. Putting myself in that place again? Setting my self up for another disaster. It’s all well and good when you do it at 25, when you are dumb, naïve and don’t know what the hell is about to happen. But, I am 37 years old. I have sat with nearly as many divorcing(ed) friends than attended weddings in the last 15 years. To get me back down an aisle, there had better be…honestly, I don’t think there is anything to get me back down an aisle. Not even Matt Carpenter from the St. Louis Cardinals. He is my, “gimme”. You know the famous person that no matter what, if you are given the chance to have sex with you would under any circumstance. I mean, I would do that…but I would not even consider marriage with him.

Back to Ms. Poehler’s book:

The chapter on divorce was amazing. I would like to give you my analysis, thoughts and a few stories related to these. I would also like to give a disclaimer…this may go past the PG13 rating I attempt to keep this blog under. If you continue to read and then at the end are offended…well that’s your problem. You should probably stop now.

#1. “I Want a Divorce! See You Tomorrow.” Here she discusses what it is like to have a divorce and small children. It was so easy when you could end a relationship and move on. But when you have kids with the person you end a relationship with, they are a part of your everyday life. Not just speaking to, but decisions on money, when you will take your vacation, what you will buy your children for Christmas. Insanity! There is more fake smiling than you will ever imagine. Co-Parenting is not for the weak. I know more divorced parents who parent better than married people. Know this…the last word is not worth it. It provides no comfort from watching you kids look at you awkwardly after to fought publicly with their father/mother.

#2. “Get Over It! But Not Too Fast! ” You cry too much.”  You aren’t crying enough.” Dealing with caring people saying things like, “oh, I thought he/she was Gay when you started dating.” (This wasn’t said about my ex, but I have been a part of this extremely inappropriate statement. This is just as bad as asking someone when they are due and they are not pregnant. Keep this thought to yourself. The person you just said that too, has been having sex on a pretty regular basis with the other person…it’s cruel that you now put the thought in their already damaged self esteem.) And then this one, “When do you think you’ll be over it.” You will never be over it…

#3. “Divorce! 10 Ways Not to Catch It.” The struggle is discussing your divorce with otherwise normal people. The worst is if your parents are still married. THEY DON’T GET IT! Even if they have had friends/family get divorced…they didn’t get it when they got divorced and they won’t get it when you get divorced. The saddest part is, they want to. No matter the age of the child, their parents will want to fix it on some level. The dagger every time is when a skinny, stylishly dressed, holding her little “Louis Vuitton” purse says “I just don’t think I could do that to my kids.” After you throat punch them, well…that gets the point across.

#4. “Hey Lady, I Don’t Want to Fuck Your Husband.” I will admit, I have never noticed when women feel this way about me. I also never notice when people don’t like me. It is awkward for me to go places by myself when it would be otherwise appropriate to have your significant other or husband with you. Yeah, you sit alone. The candid photographer at the party doesn’t ask to take your picture. This is when the currently married women start to ask very personal questions and then ask, “Wait, have you seen my husband, I haven’t seen him in a while.” Well, I hate to tell you-you may be worried about me trying to nab your husband, but my bet-he’s in the kitchen flirting or trying to kiss the trashy waitress. Seriously, it’s not divorcee women you should worry about, it’s your own husband. I was out only a few weeks ago. I ran into a friend of mine’s husband. He was having a great night and so was I. Then…his hand was on my ass, arm around my waist and I said with extreme intent: “WHERE IS YOUR WIFE!” Didn’t phase him. I kept going to the bathroom, waiting on him to leave. It took a while, but he was finally gone. Sadly, this is happening more often than you think. And ladies, the inappropriate flirting happens right in front of you. We just don’t have the heart to tell you. So, do not think that your “flabby, baby faced” husband is what I want for a moment. I’ll take my chances in the truly single world over your prize of a husband any day.

As Amy closes the chapter, she states; “I hope these have helped you navigate this supremely shitty time.” and I do too. Promise me this, if you are reading this and still married. If your spouse EVER says, “I want a divorce” you will say Yes Please. If he/she are thinking it in that moment, that “life could be better without you”…he/she will always think that way. Call it quits and join the club. We have the best time at parties while you are looking for your husband.

 

School Girl Crush…All Grown Up Now

 

To this day, at the age of 30+++, I don’t recall not having a crush on  someone. Now when I was married, I only crushed on my husband of course, but even in Kindergarten and up until now there is someone. I don’t imagine that will go away. For one simple reason, it’s fun. To have those thoughts about people that you watch from afar. Passing them out and about and exchanging glances. It can definitely be interesting. And now I know what it’s like to be all grown up and have those school girl crush feelings coming back…or did they ever go away?

I remember the first time I saw him. I was playing kickball with my friends. I believe it was 3rd grade, it could have been 4th. He was so tall and he talked funny. The other boys called him a “Yankee”. As a community, we were just beginning to meet our new friends from “up north.” The Dimple of the Universe, had a major car manufacturer just open a facility in the county and they were bringing what would be thousands of people from the North. Our dimple got a little deeper through the years. Now we are both older and he’s been down here longer than he was up there…so he sounds like us. Deliciously Southern.

When I moved back with my then husband, I ran into him. It had probably been 10 or more years since I had seen him. I could tell from seeing him immediately that he hadn’t changed. Still tall and to the point that “Big”now proceeded his name. We exchanged glances and a hello, met the hubby and so on. There weren’t a lot of fireworks..I was still married you know. But God it was so good to see him. A lot of those thoughts came back. Kickball, 4-H Camp, wishing he would have liked me back or just asked me to dance just once at the 4-H Camp dance. At nine or ten, just getting to stand with a guy was a big deal.

Now, let’s fast forward to post divorce a few years. “Big” is still around here and there, but now…my crushing feelings could come back and out. Through the years, we have developed some mutual friends and I would see him out from time to time. We share laughs, drinks and a lot more laughs. One night we were out and we went to our friend “Canadians” after party. We call that Canada after Midnight. I had a date that night and when we left, I told “Big” bye and gave him a hug. I had spent a few months wondering why he wasn’t more interested. I had kind of spoke to him a few weeks earlier about the possibility of me and him doing something on more than just a friends level. I am not going to lie, I was disappointed. But if you know anything from reading these blogs, disappointment is not something I am foreign to. The following week, I was having dinner with The Canadian, and she explained that after I left, he got upset because I left and who I had left with. It was so overwhelming, shocking and intriguing. I decided to make a dedicated effort again. Is this the relationship I crushed on nearly 25 years ago coming to fruition?

A few weeks later there we were, alone and honestly talking about it… It was one of the most precious conversations I had ever had. I told him about how I remembered him from kickball. “I know”, Big said, “I have wanted to be with you since 4-H Camp. I have never stopped.” Laughing, smiling, all of it. “Big” might make it all worth it. When I looked at him and he looked at me, it was like 4th grade all over again.

Now, we hardly speak. I don’t know what happened. One night, one great night and one morning after and he was gone. I called him on more than one occasion to find out why. He didn’t respond. The level of frustration I felt when he disappeared still causes me to feel deep emotions of sadness even now. The Canadian and many friends who also know him well have tried to rationalize his behavior. I still think he is keeping me from something. Even now, I would appreciate and listen to his explanation. I have to wonder, was he protecting me from something?  I don’t think for a second, that he’s one of those guys. Not the boy I met and became so fond of at age 9. I’ve now accepted not ever knowing, but if “Big” were in front of me right now, or if he ever reads this I’d like to say; I still think you are one of the nicest, friendliest and caring guys I have known and I am not mad at him because of the way things ended. When I see you, I think of you when we were young. I’m still open to talking about kickball or 4-H Camp whenever you would like. Take care “Big” and your big heart.

 

 

 

 

 

She Walked Home Crying in the Rain (The Story of When I Failed at Girl Code)

I don’t think I can apologize enough. I could plead ignorance, because I honestly didn’t know…but this is my confession of when I failed at girl code.

I have recently had a refreshing break from my girls this past week. While enjoying very quiet mornings, not cooking, limited laundry, working late and going to work late; I may have missed them a little bit. The other side of the coin is that I had a lot of time to hangout with “the guys.” I really don’t know how my circle of strong girlfriends has now morphed into “Grace” and “the guys”. Dated to Death, along with “Yogattorney” and “Hunt”. (I’ll get to “Hunt” in a minute.)

The Dimple of the Universe recently had an amazing event, our first music festival. In my post What’s Your Theme Song? I dove deep into my my musical “rabbit hole”. I also love to add music to my blogs.I freakin love music!  At the festival I spent the majority of my day with “The Guys” and my friends “Jam” and “The Canadian” and their husbands. “Hunt” was a new addition to the group. Honestly, I was glad he was there. I had seen him around, wanted to meet him, but he’s one of those that I needed a reason to meet. I want to take a moment and share some of the awesome music we heard in our “Dimple of the Universe.”

FireKid

Sam Lewis

18 South with John Oates

Damien Boggs and the Proper Villians

I really want to keep going….

Anyway, all that great music turned into a very, very, very long night and then…”I’m too old for this!” the following morning.

The rest of the week has flown by, but all week its bugged me, should I talk to “Hunt” more? We had a great time at the festival, de was out Wednesday and we texted through the week, but I just wasn’t sure. Well, luckily I didn’t have to decide last night…it was me and “The Guys” again. Oh…thank heaven that my girlfriend “Jam” was there too. My Cardinals were playing, the makings for a good night were all there. “Jam” and I sat at the bar talking…well she talked…I watched the Cardinals beat the Cubs. The night went on, and on. More fun by the moment. “Dated to Death” was actually on a date. Want to talk about fun, watching someone you’ve dated on a date.  “Yogattorney” headed on home and “Jam” did too. So here we are, finally. Me and “Hunt”.

Now, let me go ahead and explain the kind of girl I am. I’ll go to the mattresses for a girl. This is one of the top five things I hope my girls will learn from me. madeline albrightBest friend or stranger, it makes no difference. We all need a shoulder to cry on, someone to pick us up when we are down. And last night, a girl needed a stranger to help with her lipstick and dry her tears. That was me. The stranger. I was just trying to use the lady’s room real quick and head back out to hangout with “Hunt”. But, she was a mess and in need. She was trying to put her hair in a ponytail, which was making it worse. I had seen her, well heard her, in the ladies room crying earlier, but she had one of her girlfriends with her that time. This time, she was solo until I walked in. I came out of the stall with a little more knowledge of what was happening. “He is just so mean. What did I do? Why doesn’t he like me?”  she said as I washed my hands. I got real honest. “I’m not here to judge, but honey, you came out tonight in your work out clothes and now you are attempting a bad pony tail and mascara is running down your face.” By this point, I am fully involved. I’m in her Louis Vuitton pulling out all the necessary requirements to clean her up. She selected an almost non existent lip color. I had to convince her that a darker color may distract from the fact that her eyes are now swollen shut from crying and I can’t get most of the running mascara off. We teased her hair a bit. The higher the hair, the closer to God…and she needed a little saving grace at this point. I also convinced her to take her jacket off. Girl had some cleavage in her tank and like I said, we needed to distract from the mess she was. “Now, honey”, I said. “I don’t know the story, but more than likely you are too good for him, but I can tell you are really into him. So I’ll walk you back out there and if you want to talk to him you go right ahead. But might I recommend a walk out. You keep your head high, chest out and eyes off of him and walk out! Do you need a ride? I can give you a ride?” She declines, explaining that she lives close enough and walked here. We walk out together, my arm around her. She is still crying. Its like a faucet that is on constant drip. The bar manager, who is a dear friend of mine, “Grommit”, catches my eye. He is concerned about her. We stop and talk for a second. I explain our plan and he offers to take her home, because now, it is raining. She again, declines, but now she has caught the eye of the guy who has got her torn up and we are back at the beginning. I encourage her to go home, get some sleep, but she is hysterical. It gets worse by the second. She is three moves a way from a full blown break down right here. “Grommit’s” eyes are getting bigger along with her hysterics. I’m at a loss. I know how to handle my friends and they can handle me, but I don’t know this girl and I’m just so sorry for her now.

I’ve been there, we’ve all been there. It’s hard, it’s really, really hard. Her soul is tortured at this point and “Grommit” and I have to get her out of here. She agrees and exits extremely dramatically into the rain and makes a left on the sidewalk. It is pouring like her tears outside. “Grommit” and I shrug it off. I start to explain what was happening in the bathroom and “Hunt” walks over. Thank heaven! This whole ordeal had taken at least 30 minutes. I’m surprised he is still here. When I went to the ladies room it was get ready to ‘go’ with “Hunt”.

“What the hell were you doing in there with her?” Hunt asks. I explained an abbreviated version and how it basically it boiled down to an asshole she was crying over. “Grommit” starts to laugh…”You don’t have a clue do you?”

“She’s crazy! She’s been calling, texting and sending me mean ass texts for months. Every time she sees me, she ends up crying and I never did a thing to her but watch football one night at her house.” I look at “Grommit” after “Hunt” explains how he is the “asshole” she’s been crying over all night!

The guilt starts to overwhelm me! She had been crying over the guy I wanted to hang out with all night. All my pity for her was for the one I was interested in. What in the world is the universe trying to tell me? I was trying to mend the heart of the girl, “Hunt” had broken. Knowingly or not he has a guilty part in this. I realize I am not going to get the truth from either one of them and now I had to decide…do I continue with “Hunt” tonight or take my walk in the rain alone too.

I may have made the wrong decision…I may have made the right one. I feel like I did this morning, both. I am completely torn. I’ll see “Hunt” soon and more than likely that girl again. She may or may not hate me too at that point. I hope she will remember my attempt to help and not that I was sitting with “Hunt” after she left and possibly the next time I’m out with “The Guys” including “Hunt”. If I am lucky, maybe our paths will never cross again, but here in the “Dimple” that is highly unlikely. The universe is hillarious. I bet you a dollar, she’ll be behind me in the Kroger next time I go.