I use a lot of songs to get me through moments like this. Here is one by the lovely Sara Evans. Another week and my funk continues. I have considered calling my doctor for “assistance”, but instead I have dove head first into the dreaded exercise routine. The good news is I can consume more Momma Juice now per “My Fitness Pal” when I exercise. After a phenomenal weekend of a girls night out and my first hot yoga class I hit a wall on Monday. While out on Friday, lots of great comments regarding the blog. It is getting really good momentum and I truly appreciate your support. Suprisingly two men told me they were really enjoying it and couldn’t wait to read more! One said to another that hadn’t read it-“dude you have to!” Several of my sweet friends had topics they thought I should write about. We had some good laughs and I had to take notes. Sadly, in 6 years, I am not short on content. A long time girlfriend, Deb set me up on a date with her husband’s friend who just moved to town. Let’s call him “Rainy”. I heard about the following-successful professional moving back to ‘Dimple in the Universe’ for a mid life career change. Never married, no children, really fun, great family. Okay, I am in… Our first date was pretty nice. Dinner at “the Club” with Deb, hubby and Rainy. Plans were made for a second date in a few weeks. Rainy and I spoke several times over the next few weeks and we were clicking. I could initially admit that he was not my type and the devastation of “Derek” had finally seemed to be passing. I was ready to try new things and I thought something completely, I mean COMPLETELY different should do the trick! Right? Good news about Rainy, he likes to cook. Second date is set that he will cook dinner for Deb, hubby, and another couple at his parents house. This is a beautiful antebellum home. Deb and hubby pick me up and we head that way. Rainy is making margarittas when we arrive. It is an amazing southern summer night. We spent the evening under the patio with an amazing view. The dinner he made was surpisingly but not suprisingly good. No one was short on conversation. Good night, right? The time came to leave because Deb and hubby had a sitter. Rainy told me goodbye. He was going to stay behind and clean up the kitchen. Talk about doing things differently. On many levels Rainy was different. Second date and we had only held hands. Well I was pretty proud of myself! The following weekend was an event in town-“Symphony Under the Stars.” A group of lovely couples were getting a table. I thought, finally, someone who will be appropriate to take to these social events I had either gone solo to or taken a good girlfriend. That practice is not deemed pitiful until the coolness of it wears off. (I just don’t go now.) Rainy had heard of the event since moving back to town and thought it would be fun to get out and see #1 people he hadn’t seen in a while and #2 meet new people. So what did I do? I bought a new dress! What is more romantic and southern for that matter than eatting a delicious meal in a field along side another gorgeous antebellum home with lovely live music into the night. AND did I mention, I bought a new dress! As the date grew near I allowed my excitement to get the best of me. I told pretty much everyone planning to attend that I had a date. Included for the ladies my new dress excitement as well. The weatherman however didn’t care and started calling for rain. Not just a little summer rain, but a thunderstorm. Rainy (I hope you are starting to get where the name came from) texted to see if I had heard about the weather. I explained that yes, but I was remaining optimistic. Plus this was a $30 a person event I had already paid for. Clearly on the ticket, ‘rain or shine’. We decided we would see how the weather was the day of. Day of the event comes. Rain is still in the forecast, but he says he is coming. Then he says he’s not, then he is, then he is not. Then I ran into him at the liquor store…”I am getting vodka so I’ll see you later. Meet you there!” I get to the event. Haul my cooler, decor for the table and dragging my new dress, because it is too long. Smile on my face. “Where’s Rainy?” was repeated a few times by my friends. “Oh, he’s coming.” I say *ding*ding(text message) Rainy: I am not coming. This storm looks fierce. Me: Oh come on. If it starts, we will just do something else. Rainy: I’ve just ordered a pizza. My heart sank. Pizza and really good vodka. Sounds like a good time…Damn! I sat between two very nice couples. All knew that I was very disappointed. Dinner was nice, music started and then the inevitable. It started raining….really, really pouring. I ran to the car. Mostly because I was humiliated. I sat for a few minutes, just thinking. What should I do? Should I text him and see what he’s up to? Maybe he will want to hang out? Instead I called Deb. “He did what? Are you shittin’ me? Hubby is not going to believe this. Get over here, now! I am on the porch! Kids are asleep!” I arrive at Debs. Oh good she has wine! She talked to Hubby who was out of his mind on why he would have done what he did. Then Deb tells me: “When we dropped you off after dinner the other night, Rainy didn’t stay and clean up. He drove past us as we were pulling out of your neighborhood. Hubby and I still don’t know why.” Maybe he is gay and doesn’t realize how awesome that is…This wine is really good. Maybe he is into prostitutes or strippers….Let’s open another bottle of wine. Maybe he is a lazy asshole….Got anymore wine? I saw Rainy this summer. It had been 2 years. I didn’t even bother…and he didn’t either. One of only a very few times that I am glad I only held his hand. At times you have to learn to accept the hand you have been dealt. “you gotta know when to hold em, know when to fold em, know when to walk away and know when to run.” I folded and headed for the hills after Rainy! Deb and hubby still don’t understand what happened. I don’t guess we ever will. I didn’t pay much attention because a few months later-guess who is calling me because he just filed for divorce! -Derek The rainy days continue for me unfortunately. But here is a fantastic and extremely relevant Pinterest post from this evening that put quite the impression on me. I went to church Sunday. Don’t be shocked, I attend regularly. To be honest, I almost skipped-hot yoga prep. So glad I didn’t. The minister said something that led to a major moment for me. I literally couln’t wait to Tweet it. He said, “If you are in a wilderness, I hope you take advantage of it.” In this case, I think I will take time to enjoy the rain. Peace to You All!
First…Wow! Sex and The Motherhood has had 3500+ views since January 2, 2015. My recent post, “Break Up Via Selfie” is mostly responsible for that. Luckily, your support has helped me through a rough patch and I continue to appreciate all the kindness and positive thoughts you are sending my way.
Second…I continue my Facebook hiatus. I didn’t realize what a soul sucker it could be. By the way, I LOVE Facebook! My profile has been active since 2008. I have used it in a number of ways. Community events, political, work, children, family, divorce, break ups, friends, friends, and more friends! But lately, I am again and again nearly overwhelmed with the amount of content and time that is placed on Facebook. As I continue to spend more/less time on social media, I would like to encourage you to do the same. There are so many other great things to spend or waste time on. One I adore is Podcast. Pop Culture Happy Hour and Serial (which I am starting tomorrow) are really really awesome! Twitter is not so scary and can contain knowledge filled content along side posts that are a whole lot of fun! If you want to knock your socks off, check out Vine! Most of these you can find on Facebook, shared or embedded under a million other things but now you are going to its source minus Facebook terrorists. Then the best way to use the internet…read a blog like this one. Follow the ones you like best (cough, cough Sex and the Motherhood). Following your favorite blogs is the best way to stay on top of the latest post.
I had the pleasure of having burgers and beers with some of the best ladies in the world recently. Wasting time on guys and dating can send you into a tizzy for sure! We spend so much time being proud of multitasking that we don’t really focus on anything anymore. I can tell you all day long that my sweet girls or work is my main focus, but our use of social media, TV, and other distractions can lead to a whirlwind of chaos and less focus on anything at all! But on this night…these ladies were focused on eachother. Many questions revolving around our daily activities, discussion of a friend’s recent acceptable divorce settlement, abnormal pap smears, this blog AND its aftermath, I mean success. Birthdays, upcoming social events, yoga class, moving. I could keep going. The most important part, we laughed! Loud and hard!
Discussing multi-tasking reminds me of a time where my multitasking sent me back to a common high school situation! I met Knox on Tinder. Super cute and very confident. The disappointing part of Tinder is that you know how close you are to the person in miles, but unless they put it on their profile you don’t know where they live. When Knox showed up on my list, he was within my 40 mile max. When we matched we started texting fairly quickly, I was terribly disappointed when I found he spends most of his time more than 400 miles away. His work brings him close during the week. And you get a 50/50 shot that a single dad has the same free weekends as you…and as luck would have it, we didn’t have similar schedules at all. With all this, momentum continued to build. We really wanted to meet. Both of us had a feeling, we could hit it off. After long talks and texts he was going to be in my area and wanted to meet. Girlies would be gone and all was well, except one big problem. My sparkles were out….bad. What I mean is, I needed to get my roots done. I will meet a guy in yoga pants, but I will not meet a guy while my sparkles are out! I got an appointment asap, but the only time I could go was the day I was supposed to meet Knox! To top it off, laundry and a few other things at home needed to happen as well. Time to turn it on Momma! -I went directly home from work. It was 4:30 pm.
-Ran to hairdresser-color on…two hours later
-Trip to grocery
-Back home, another load in
-Load out/Load in
-Make up and hot outfit
Bam! Momma is on her way with 15 minutes to spare. On target to meet at 9 pm? Wait, I go to bed at 10 pm and I will miss my binge watching of Bravo/E! Oh well, gotta live a little right? And what harm is there? I am 15 mins from my house and he is 25 from his hotel.
We were meeting for drinks since it was late and he had a dinner already planned for work. The anticipation to meet Knox had grown to an exciting level. When he arrived I was not disappointed. He was tall, at least 6’2″. Knox called me every morning after he worked out, and now I could see he wasn’t just “saying” he was in the gym. Two drinks later, we realized we were the only ones left and it was creeping on 11 pm. Both of us had busy days ahead so we decided it was time to go.
Knox proved he was working on the gentleman award when he asked to walk me to my car. When we got there, we spoke for a bit then when I thought the kiss was coming; “Can you drive me to my car? It’s just right over there.” Well okay. We drove over to his car. Spoke a few more minutes. He reached for my hand, then he kissed my hand and then he kissed me. Then I realized; oh, oh no…I am making out in a car!
Prior to college, I spent some time in a car and to be honest, so did you! Either Snopp Dogg or Dave Matthews Band playing in the back ground. Nothing good happened after my curfew, so my parental units said- that’s why I had one. However, I was always home on time. Well, usually. Nevertheless, I never got comfortable “parking” and I hadn’t gotten over it.
I think the next few some what words that came out of my mouth were, “Ummm, Yeah, Nah, Wait, Oh my…hold on” When it stopped, I immediately realized that the windows were already fogged up. (Embarrassing)
“Do you want me to follow you to your house or do you want to come back with me?” he said. I’m going to be completely honest with you. At the point we came back up for air it was 11:45 pm. I had a 15 minute drive back home. Then… What time would I finally get to sleep? “No, I am sorry, I should really be going.”
I am 75% sorry I made that decision. I never saw Knox again. There were many discussions regarding another date, but our schedules were so crazy that it never happened. Okay, I am 85% sorry that I made that decision. Now, nearly 90%. Would a night with little to no sleep have killed me?
I was home right at midnight. Following a few nice, ‘did you make it home okay?’ ‘I had a really great time.’ ‘Wish I could kiss you again.’ texts from Knox, I made my way to my pajamas. Alone, again! I look in the mirror to put my hair up for the night.
Wait…what’s that? Is that a…? I hung my head…I hope I can find my turtleneck in the morning!
“Just don’t ever blog about me, ok?” He said after reading my blogs.
I asked, “you don’t like them?”
“Oh no, it’s good.” he replied, “I just don’t want one to be about me.”
Well, to be completely honest, “Sex and The Motherhood” isn’t about you or for you, it’s about “me” for “us”!
“Derek” was very handsome, and mysterious! Most importantly, he liked me, he really, really liked me-kind of like how Sally Field felt when she accepted her first Academy Award. Constant communication, adoration, dedication, etc. He was very honest about his history. Married young, two kids, divorced. Found his high school sweetheart, married, one child, divorced. I do not judge one’s “baggage”. I have very nice “baggage”. Its lovely Vera Bradley type “baggage.” Perspective is essential to survival in a dating world that requires patience and compassion for your kids, my kids, her kids, his ex, my exes, let’s all meet for dinner and I could keep going. (One day I will explain “The Unit”)
It took about a week to fall for “Derek”. Music filled our relationship. Songs shared on facebook, texted You Tube videos and then staying up all night, sitting on his or my porch debating what was real music-classic country or R & B. Our friend Jim(Beam) was close by too. Once we were invited to a wedding at the Opryland Hotel on St. Patrick’s Day. Dressed in our best green festiveness here we went. It was lovely, borderline magical. Think “Tangled”, “My Fair Lady”, meets “An Affair to Remember”. Once the wedding and reception were over, we found ourselves wandering through “The Delta”. If you have been to the Opryland Hotel, you may know of the gazebo that sits in The Delta. We found ourselves there and the next thing, I knew, he had turned on “Dancing Away With My Heart” by Lady Antebelum. And the slow dance began. Closest fairytale moment I have ever had. You would have thought the happily ever after would follow a night like this….
As most men do these days, some weeks later, he became distant and eventually lost all contact. I couldn’t get him to call me back or respond to text. Then it hits…the notification I now dread because of this moment: “Derek has updated his profile picture.” My first thought was oh good he’s alive! I go to his profile and immediately see the new pic, but he’s not alone, theres a petite blonde in the picture and IT’S HIS SECOND EX WIFE! Not only that, they are in VEGAS and have remarried!!!! No SHIT! Well, I fixed drink. I shouldn’t lie, I found a bottle and started chugging! Shortly, after a few swigs, I was in my yard hacking at my front hedges. It was midnight, but I had to do something.
How did this happen? Why didn’t he just tell me? Did I do something wrong? Wait, he hates her! He told me he can’t stand her! She’s the worst thing that ever happened to him…..Wack, wack wack!
The following months were the most devastating of my life. I didn’t cry that much when I divorced! It may seem that this only recently happened, but no-this was nearly 3 years ago! I guess there is an unwritten rule regarding this break up practice going around in guy code, because it recently happened to me again!
I have written about “Cleats”before, he was Mr. “bring me a lil something for my toddy” in my Sick and Single post previously. This relationship is almost identical to “Derek”. Lots to talk about, tons of adoration and communication and then…disappear. Oh, and the two ‘baby momma’ part is the same as well. Another amazing similarity is the connection to cleats…the kind you wear.
I am what you may know as a cleat chaser. That’s my type. And any kind of cleats, soccer(first serious boyfriend), baseball (second serious boyfriend), football (ex husband), and now we circle back to baseball-post divorce-second serious boyfriend,friend of second serious boyfriend, “Derek” and “Cleats”. There ain’t no shame in this game. I am who I am.
Okay back to it; I began to notice “Cleats” distance and disappearing acts becoming a bit more frequent. I tried at least twice to break up with him. I would always be talked into one more time. However, during my first break up attempt, I tried to unload a bit of baggage and told him about “Derek”. He was very understanding and compassionate because he had similar story as well. A lady he dated previously who he had difficulty getting over. There was even marriage discussion and he bought her a ring. I asked, “are you still in love with her.” He never answered that question directly, but did say, it was over and history. To avoid eventually being left for her, I encouraged him to find out about his feelings . “Tisha” did have a child that he was fond of still visited with from time to time, but he assured me that’s all it was. I never got it out of my mind though. While I was out of state for work and I tried another break up attempt. We spoke on the phone for nearly 3 hours. Have you ever tried to break up with someone over the phone, out of state, in a hotel lobby? It was awkward to say the least. Another awkward moment was while I was having this conversation, I received a Facebook friend request from “Tisha”. AWKWARD!!!! Of course, I accepted it, but how and why did she know about me? “Cleats” is extremely private about our relationship and even more on social media. We posted a Vine once that he quickly removed. Also, I was told that 2nd baby momma was cyber stalking me. He told me I couldn’t tag him in anything because she got so mad.
Let’s speed things along. While our relationship remained rocky and never quite comfortable we both attempted on a regular basis to see eachother. I was continually frustrated by his distance and in a final attempt to break up o we discussed our feelings for eachother. We even exchanged “I Love You’s” which I didn’t peg him for at all. But he said it and said it often. But there is a reassurance in “I Love You” that gives you stupidity permission to say, yes I will hang in here because he/she loves me.
The last time I saw “Cleats” was on a Christmas Eve. He stopped by to exchange gifts. We sat for a moment but he was not present. But God Almighty his phone would not stop. Constantly alerting and texting, alerting and texting. *Advice section-put your damn phone away!* I walked him outside, we kissed. He said he loved me and he would be back later that night. The next time I saw him – four days later-was when he posted a selfie with “Tisha”! Again, really, again! Another break up via social media!
This time, I listened to my friends. I blocked him for iMessage and for calls. Instead of “not getting on” Facebook or Twitter for a while, I just deactivated. I kept my Instagram but I couldn’t hide there because “Cleats” liked my posts.
My kiddos asked me, are you mad at “Cleats.” I told them honestly a lesson I hope they never forget; “He lied and you can’t love someone who lies. They don’t deserve to be around good girls like you! If they can’t tell you the truth, you need to get rid of them.” My sweet youngest went and got her IPad and immediately deleted a pic of him and his contact for Facetime. “Well, if he lies, I’ll delete him.” Good girl! Something I should have done a long time ago.
I am no longer wasting words on people who deserve silence. But, I will always send a message and technology allowed me to let “Cleats” know what I thought without uttering a word. “Maturing is realizing how many things don’t require your comment.” -Rachel Wolchin
Times like these, and days like these make me wonder why I even keep trying. It is a new year…2015! What will I do differently? Not a damn thing. Yoda said, “Do or do not, there is no try.” And Peter F. Ducker said, “What you have to do and the way you have to do it is incredibly simple. Whether you are willing to do it, that’s another matter.” And another new quote from Sean Covey- “Says easy, does hard.” All I can tell you is its the year of skirts (I’m tired of plain black pants), new hair-maybe, and the year of me and my girls! There will be more blogs, more fun and more love to come!