Forget it! But What Did You Forget?

“There’s no way that could have ever happened!” Or what if you don’t remember it? What if it’s completely different then you imagined and the pure thought of it was complete disbelief? 

I recently read What Alice Forgot by Liane Moriarty. Yes, I have also read Big Little Lies and The Husband’s Secret. All great and I highly recommend. But,truly I tell you, What Alice Forgot really hit me and captivated my thoughts for the two days it took me to read it. Dont think for a minute I am “one of those readers.” I was at the beach on a girls trip. 

No Spoilers! I will explain no more than what you can find out in the description. So guess what? Alice forgot! Following a gym accident, she woke up and had forgotten the last 10 years. Forgot the birth of three children, the death of a friend; that she didn’t realize she was friends with and to top it off, she has a new boyfriend because she’s in the middle of a divorce. The last she recalls is being in love with her husband, buying a fixer upper and being pregnant for the first time! 

So here I go…what if I still thought I loved my ex husband?  What if I had never met one of my children? That’s a lot! That’s a whole, whole, helluva a lot to process! 


“What Sally Forgot?”

  1. The birth of my youngest daughter. (What daughter? I just had a miscarriage, last I recall.)
  2. The many miscarriages of many friends. 
  3. My divorce 
  4. My oldest daughters three cranial facial surgeries. 
  5. The death of my grandmother
  6. The death of my uncle
  7. My brother’s marriage
  8. The addition of wonderful friends to a group of longtime friends 
  9. The loss of friendships and gaining a friendemy. 
  10. What is a wife in law and why do I have one? 
  11. What’s a podcast and who is Ross? 
  12. Bro what? I have Bromances? 
  13. Changing jobs
  14. Moving four times 
  15. Traveling to Europe
  16. My obsession and multiple trips to Orange Beach Alabama.
  17. I have a boyfriend? 
  18. What is Tinder, Plenty of Fish, Match 
  19. Who are all these ex boyfriends 
  20. What is Sex and the Motherhood.
  21. What do you mean there is no more MySpace? 

As I list these things, to me-it’s a lifetime of experiences but it’s only a third or so of what I’ve experienced so far. Which leads me to the real “aha” moment. Would 10 year ago Sally, like current Sally? I don’t know. Really, it’s hard to imagine even if myself 10 years ago would even be friends with me, now. 

Then there are the things have happened that are unimaginable to 10 year ago Sally. Here’s a bit of a truth bomb: If you think some of my “sex and the Motherhood” experiences were over the top, well…this is the edited version. Yes, you read that correctly. I have left out some major/minor details. Some things you have to keep between you and Jesus. So to be told I’ve done the things I’ve done and experienced what I’ve experienced, would  be too much to take. But to manage my unfortunate choices, poor decisions and let’s just call it what it is, mistakes; I had a moment, several moments. The turning point, when I decided that my path will hold only actions that honor me and my daughters. If it doesn’t fit there, then I move on. Sally, 10 years ago probably thinks that sounds pretty deep, but she doesn’t have the foundation to understand the significance of it yet. She’ll be ok, I promise you that. 

I can’t let my disappointments and struggles outweigh what I have accomplished and overcome. Just looking at the list above, the pictures and processing, I’m proud. I don’t know what the next 10 years have for me, but I hope I remember and honor every step. 

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Shut It Down! Deal Breaker

             

What is perfect? How do you define it? What is part of your perfect? Are there versions of perfection? How does one even begin to explore perfection?

When I examine perfection, I’m more than curious not to what it is but how do you get there? Could it be similar to going to the grocery store without a list? Just hear me out.

In the book, Raving Fans, there are three secrets to creating a Raving Fan for your business. The book is focused on creating loyalty. The three secrets are Decide, Discover and Deliver.

  1. You have to “Decide” what you want.
  2. You have to “Discover” what your customer wants.
  3. Then you deliver the vision plus one percent.

This concept can be culture changing for an organization and quite possibly life changing for those of us…well like me. I have a semi successful dating history, but struggle with the purpose and want to make sure we are following the best steps along the way. “But Sally, how is this like going to the grocery store?”

grocery-list
Have you ever had that little trip to the grocery. You need milk, bread and ham. You don’t need a list for these items…you can do this without it. One hour and $200 later you walk out of the store with everything but milk, bread and ham. How frustrating? Or is it? Instead of the simple items…you now have wine, ice cream, steak, potatoes, three types of potato chips, sriracha sauce, new locally made soap and a vanilla candle. (You really don’t like vanilla candles, but it smelled so good in the store.) Not a thing wrong with these items, but still all you needed was milk, bread, ham and that $200 back.
Just like in Raving Fans, nothing wrong with the way you have been running your business and taking care of customers, but where is the intention. And how do you know if its working? Do all these extra items create a sustainable meal planning for the week?

Are you with me now? Do you see what I’ve been doing? I’ve been shopping without a list. (For men…not groceries.)

In a previous post, New Adventure? A Podcast! “Ask Me About” is Launched, I not only introduced you to my new adventure, the collaborative podcast Ask Me About , I listed some of my favorite podcast. One I am most fond of and will be referencing is Death, Sex and Money If You’re Not_____, Then Never Mind

In this particular episode, our host Anna Sale interviews actor Amy Landecker of Transendent. The focus of the interview is in regards to Landecker’s divorce and return to dating.

From the podcast: “Actor Amy Landecker got divorced in 2011. “It was the worst time of my whole life,” Amy says. “People told me it was going to get better and I didn’t believe them.” Amy and her ex-husband share custody of their daughter, and Amy struggled with being away from her for days at a time.”

Now, I’m used to this story, I’ve told this story. But I really tuned in when she explained that her daughter was the one to tell her it was time to date. “My daughter was worried that I was gonna be alone and…she was like, let’s just make a list of the qualities that we’re looking for,” Amy laughs. “So she takes out this piece of paper and she titles it, ‘If You’re Not This, Then Never Mind.'”

I’ve made several of these lists before, at the recommendations of many people. Prayerfully, by Gametime friend, TBQ, I made a list. It was a good one too, but I went to the store without the list bought ice cream instead. “The Mentor” talked me into another one of these lists too and I went back to the store and bought wine instead…lots of wine.

But that phrasing, “If you’re not this then never mind.” I decided to try again. As I wrote, I saw natural categories of the list. The first set were core principles. The second, for joy or fun and third, were action items. Some may see this list as basic, but nothing that becomes a nonnegotiable, a dealbreaker, is basic. So…here it is:

If You’re Not This, Then Never Mind

  • If you’re not a Christian, then never mind.
  • If you’re not working, then never mind.
  • If you’re not a Democrat, then never mind.
  • If you’re not politically minded, then never mind.
  • If you’re not a beach lover, then never mind.
  • If you’re not a music lover, then never mind.
  • If you’re not a sports fan, then never mind.
  • If you’re not going to buy me flowers, then never mind.
  • If you’re not going to respect my Southern ways, then never mind.
  • If you’re not going to respect my motherhood, then never mind.

I’ve carried this list with me for months…and I have neither added to it nor edited it since I originally wrote it. It’s just this simple. These embody my three secrets: decide, discover and deliver. The master grocery list. The nonnegotiables. The deal breakers.

Don’t spend too much time trying to dig holes into mine. Instead, take that time to write your own. Write your very own milk, bread and ham! Enjoy the ice cream, steak and locally made soap along the way…but don’t forget the milk, bread and ham either.And please, don’t buy the vanilla candle…you don’t like it. You know you don’t like it.

New Adventure? A Podcast! “Ask Me About” is Launched

On January 17, with my dear friend, member of  the bromance, “The Mentor”, we launched our podcast Ask Me About. We have spent a good deal of intentional discussion based on our past and current conversations about relationships and what we would like to share with others to create this podcast. Our goal is to share through our own experiences and research how to do better and be better in regards to relationships. 

First: please subscribe to the podcast in ITunes. And beyond subscribing, review it! 

Second: submit questions for us. We want to know what you want to know. Relationships, backgrounds, date ideas, appropriate undergarments (personal pet peeve of mine), ANYTHING!!! 

Third: listen and share. That’s all. Our podcasts will be less a than 30 minutes on average. Listen while you drive, getting ready for your day, cooking, or just chill out with it. 

The past two years have built up to this latest adventure. Your support is felt and very much appreciated. Many of you will get to hear my voice for the first time and that’s pretty exciting too! I look forward to speaking to you through an additional medium, and I hope you do too. 

“The Mentor” and I will be recording tonight so stay tuned. 

Just of note, I’m a huge podcast fan! Below are some of my favorites to check out as well:


Pantsuit Politics
Pop Culture Happy Hour
Death, Sex and Money

The Force of Love That Sings in the Rain

“The love of my life.” That’s what some say we should hope to find. Typically, I find they are discussing the romantic love we devote an entire lifetime to. Either, being in love, looking for it or fighting to keep it. I have even had justifying, sad conversations about the love of your life already passing by. Your first true love when you are 17 and stupid and let it go. Or 21, stupid and let it go. In the lowest of the low moments, I think I could have just stayed married and been miserable like a majority of people do. That sounds awful, terrible, a waste of time, a waste of life and a waste of love. No one should ever subject themselves to that, but they do. So the question is, the one I have, does “the love of your life”, have to be romantic?

Classic and Sci Fi movie lovers along with the entirety of popular culture learned this week of the deaths of Carrie Fisher and Debbie Reynolds. Fisher passed away on 12.27.16 and Reynolds on 12.28.16. For me personally, I am also facing the birthday of my oldest daughter on 12.30.16. I was shocked when I heard of Fisher’s death. I had recently listened to her interview on NPR with Terry Gross A few things stuck out to me in that interview, but the main one being how Fisher has become a beside caregiver for her mother through her recent decline n health. During the interview, Fisher talks about a period of her life at 19 and the relationship she had at that time. She was also filming Star Wars and the relationship she discusses is the affair she was having with married co star Harrison Ford.  She kept a journal of her time while she filmed Star Wars. Her last book, The Princess Diarist has many excerpts from this journal. During the interview; Gross asks Fisher to read from the book how she described the relationship with Ford during this period.

GROSS: In your journal that you kept during “Star Wars” you write a lot about your relationship with Harrison Ford. And I want to ask you to read an excerpt of that journal. This is where you’re describing how Harrison Ford was like a fantasy for you, but the fantasy did not always work out. And it was – you kind of projected a lot onto him, so if you could read an excerpt for us.

FISHER: Sure.

(Reading) We have no feeling for one another. We lie buried together during the night and haunt each other by day, acting out something that we don’t feel and seeing through something that doesn’t deserve any focus. I have never done anything quite like this. I sit patiently awaiting the consequences. I talk, walk, eat, sleep, patiently awaiting the consequences. How can a thing that doesn’t seem to be happening come to an end? George says that if you look at the person that someone chooses to have a relationship with, you’ll see what they think of themselves. So Harrison is what I think of myself. It’s hardly a relationship, but nevertheless he is a choice. I examined all the options and chose the most likely to leave no emotional investments. Never love for me, only obsession. Someone has to stand still for you to love them. My choices are always on the run.

I have looked back on my relationships, recent and prior to my marriage and recall them as extremely formative and scarily similar to what she describes above. “If you look at the person that someone chooses to have a relationship with, you’ll see what they think of themselves.” I haven’t been seeing myself in a very good light if this is the case. Attributes like dignity, responsibility, honesty and devotion are becoming very, very attractive.

princess-diarist

 

Following the news of their deaths, I wanted to hear from Reynolds so I found another interview. During the interview regarding her recent memoir “Unsinkable”

unsinkable

I was reminded and just as shocked to find out that Reynolds first husband Eddie Fisher, Carrie Fisher’s father, left the family to marry Elizabeth Taylor, Reynolds best friend. Over the years Reynolds attempted marriage two additional times with Harry Karl (1960-1973) and Richard Hamlet (1984-1996). During the time of Reynolds relationships, Fisher has the affair with Harrison Ford. She then is married to Paul Simon for one year (1983-1984). She was also briefly engaged to Dan Aykrod. She then had a child with Billy Catherine Lourd in 1992. Lourd left the relationship to be with another man. Fisher had a very successful professional life not only acting, but writing eight books and producing films. She unfortunately struggled with drug use and mental illness becoming an advocate in these areas. Many called the mother/daughter relationship complicated but at the end, they proved to be a tremendous support for each other. Fisher talks about being at her bedside in recent interviews and Reynolds was supportive of her daughter. Son of Reynolds and brother of Fisher, Todd Fisher is quoted saying that some of Reynolds last words were of Fisher; “I just want to be with Carrie.” Is it possible to die of a broken heart? I believe in this case, it was. All of this, topped with a year that was far disappointing on so many levels-multiple celebrity deaths, an election that makes many of us question the sanity of the American people; no matter what side you are on, but I have had a discovery thanks to the this mother daughter tragedy.

I have participated in many discussions regarding a full life. In my life, I don’t define its success by being in a current and more than likely disastrous romantic relationship. People in marriages, either visibly or internally shake their head at me…most of the time. However, let’s pose a question. Looking back on the timeline of Reynolds failed marriages, and Fishers failed relationships along with her mental health status and substance abuse, is it possible that the men in their lives were to root of the estrangement? Was the battle based in the nonrecognition of the true love of their lives, eachother?

I will continue to respect myself and the relationships I have with men, but after this deep moment of thought and reflection, I may join the realization that a man will not be the love of my life and enjoy that the loves of my life are already in my life. Present and accounted for are my children. Two delightful young ladies who I adore. The heart of this mother is full of these children’s love. My family. The gift of good parents is a blessing not to take lightly. A brother and now a sister in law that’s presence is a joy. Their love and marriage was one of the best things of 2016. My girlfriends. I will admit, in the past year I have neglected these ladies. One of my resolutions will be to spend more time developing deeper relationships with my group of female friends. As I look back, I was devoting more time to men and received no benefits from my devotions and these women are still here even though they have been neglected. My bromances. My sweet devoted male friends. So much they know, so much the honor and so many times they have kept me from the edge of insanity.

After that kind of acclaim and review, now you see why I am more focused on a truer love, a force that defies romance, men and women. So, here’s to Debbie Reynolds and Carrie Fisher and all the other single mothers successfully surviving in their Motherhood. They were complete and were given the gift of “the loves of their lives” when Carrie Fisher was born to Debbie Reynolds. The thoughts of I am not complete until I am remarried is so 2016.

Please watch the tribute below and remember their love.

May the Force Be with Us All.

Reynolds/Fisher Tribute

 

 

 

 

 

 

And Your Tinder Match Received 4 Stars!

Many advances have helped the online dating sites. However, I need one more. I need a rating. I need the feedback of others who have been out with these guys. Especially those who don’t write anything in their bio. Who are you? I realize you like to hunt, fish, ride your Harley, skydive…and play the guitar but I need more.

Just a simple star rating is fine. I don’t typically eat at restaurants or purchase clothes with less than 3 out of 4 stars, so the same would apply here. But I also read the reviews. I realize there is always someone who can’t be pleased but the input is greatly appreciated.

For this development,  a few questions to be considered in the review section.

  1. Did he actually take you on a date? Yes, sometimes there is no intention of a date. I was asked recently to come over and snuggle. Ummm…I don’t know you, know where you live or know what your hygiene habits are! And further…what if you have bad breath, haven’t washed your sheets or your have like a million cats or dogs. Or, like to turn on the lights. I went to a guys house once and asked to use the restroom. He took me through the entire house in total darkness. Then I had to find my way back to the living room where there were no lights on except the TV. He asked if I wanted to stay.I said, no. I was afraid to see what the place looked like in the daylight.
  2. Did you have to plan the date or did he? yes, I am not kidding here either. He: Let’s meet. Me: That sounds like a great idea. Where would you like to go? When? What time works for you? He: Idk . . . . . . . .  Me: Well let’s meet at X on Saturday at 5. He: Idk. . . . . . . Me: Here’s my number, just text me. (123)555-7890. Saturday rolls around…and crickets. Why are you here dude? Why are you taking up space?
  3. Are you permanent to the area? Most apps are set up by location. My filter is set for less than 40 miles from my current location. So if a guy drives an 18-wheeler and I live 15 miles from the interstate, then he’s in my potential matches. And, they usually list their career as self-employed. I have learned how to spot a tractor trailer cab in a selfie in a snap! Or, are you here to visit your grandmother for 2 weeks or just stopped at the Cracker Barrell to eat on your way to or from the beach? I talked to a guy for an hour before I realized we matched while he stopped for gas and he was already home….in Cincinnati!
  4. Do you plan on actually meeting who you match with? I can text my friends, my mother, my brother…I don’t plan on texting you more than a day. Plan a date or move on buddy.
  5. Does he text you inappropriate things…immediately? To be perfectly honest, once in a relationship, a little fun t*(s)exting is really a good time. However….Well, just check out my message from this morning: tinder-postIt took 5 minutes for him to go there. And there are a variety of guys with fetishes. I am not judging them for it…you do you, but please don’t think that because I am on Tinder, that I would like to have a personal relationship with your dog! Yeah, wish I had that on a screenshot. And these are nice guys, with good jobs. They live in a nice area. On Tinder, you can’t judge a profile by its cover.
  6. Are they divorced? Are they in an open relationship? Does their significant other know they are telling women on Tinder they are in an open relationship or that they are already dating because their first meeting was with the divorce attorney is this week? “I’ll be divorced in a few months.” “I’m nearly divorced.” “She knows I am on Tinder, that’s why I put her pictures with me on my profile.” Yes, I am not kidding, they post pics of their significant others. Just wait until you recognize someone.
  7. And the kids. I will almost always swipe left, meaning a no, if there are any kids in the pics. Even the ones who say, “the kids in the pics are my nieces/nephews.” I don’t care! What makes you think, I am interested in how you smile with kids for pictures?
  8. Current/Previous Hang ups: Have you or are you currently in drug rehabilitation? No offense to the good people of a county nearby, but if a guys is on Tinder and from there…I immediately think he’s in a half way house staying sober. True story! And it all worked out. He was lovely, but still…really…is that a good idea to match with a girl who has a glass of wine in one of her pictures. Political status? Huge. One app, Bumble  will even let you put a filter around your pics. I appreciate that tremendously. Are you worried I may be taller than you? This is why they put their height on their profiles. Guess what? I will be taller than you more than likely. I like heels. Does it bother you that I am smart, carry on a conversation, live in my hometown, go to church…and enjoy it, etc.

Due to my unfortunate abundance of experience, I’d be happy to serve on a panel to have post date interviews and award a rating. The earning potential for time management alone would be worth it. I am sure there is money to be made or it is hopefully already in development. Until then, I will keep taking screenshots and texting these to my friends. Here is a thought.  If you are interested in being in this little experiment, go to my Facebook or Twitter profiles. Let me know you’d like to “judge” my matches and I’ll send you their profiles.

Facebook: @sexandthemotherhood

Twitter: @satmotherhood

Why even bother, you may be asking? For starters, the amount of laughter these incidents create is immeasurable. I’d give some of these conversations 4 stars. The issue is, without appropriate guidance, you can waste an evening, up to months with a guy whom, if you had had a little review, all of this waste of time could have been avoided. Two weeks ago, I fired up the ole Tinder again and I haven’t regretted it once. I’ve been out on three dates in two weeks. That was better than I was doing, right? And, just to be completely transparent, the fall is coming and the season of hiberdating is upon us. I’d really like to be settled and snuggled on a couch by the first frost…but not on the first date

Universe Giveth…Universe Taketh Away

I have brief and spread, far enough apart, periods of time separated from the little ladies. Many, many, many times I have sat alone thinking “now is when I need someone.” Recently, that issue resolved itself…

I have been focusing on asking for exactly what I want. Very specific things. And it has finally, finally worked! The last time when I had a free week, I asked for someone to date during that time. I got exactly what I asked for. Then like there was an invisible, muted timer, he was gone. The evening after our last date, I received a message telling me that “we needed to slow down”, “it’s not you, it’s me.” ” I think you are beautiful, kind, sweet. And there’s no one else.” And….


I just want to point out I had specifically asked for someone to fill this time…the universe listened and supplied him. I asked for this?… Yes, yes I did! And in a strange way, I may have asked him to go.


Surprisingly, I’ve been totally fine with it. And I fear it’s because I was developing “FOMO: The fear of missing out”. This may be why so many of my relationships never work. I find myself by date three thinking is this just a waste of time? If the thought comes in then I might as well tell him so we can part without the drama. At this age, we can cut the bull…you have something better, you have hang ups, you have a manipulative tween, whatever-shoot me straight and don’t waste my time. I’ll do the same for you. 

Universe Giveth…Universe Taketh Away


I was hanging out with a few of my “bro-mances ” (I needed to be with those men who love me). They were very proud and supportive of me for putting myself back out there and doing something without any buyers remorse after the deal had sunk in. I worry that over and over again the ends of a relationship doesn’t sadden me but is a source of relief. Over and over, this thing we call dating is a negative source of endless crap that is unnecessary. 

I have an announcement!:

“Men of Dimple-and surrounding counties, you have asked the universe for easy to date women…we are ready! But, are you?” 

So women of Dimple-how about us? Are we going to be ready? To drop the bull, the drama and the overthinking! I feel we can own the Universe so we give them what they ask. Let’s do it Universe of women. Don’t be sorry…just own it and remind them, you are exactly what they asked for. Beyonce Sorry

“Pissed Off for Greatness” 

I’m taking an opportunity as I sit and wait on my hair color to take to make a list and elaborate on all the reasons I’m pissed off and how I plan to turn them into greatness! 

1. Getting older

  • My hair is getting more and more gray! I have named the gray hairs after my father since I don’t recall him having black hair. So, while I slowly turn into Emmy Lou Harris-a hot lady by the way, let’s go ombré again! 
  • I can’t lose weight. No matter what I try! And, if one more person says, “well, all I did was cut my portions and I lost 20 lbs.” No bitch, you didn’t!” You are on phentermine! Enjoy the withdrawal symptoms when you decide to get off of that! I’m back in the gym! I’m trying! That’s better than popping a pill right? Time to set a goal: three times a week and logging everything on MyFitness Pal! Below is my sanity: Gametime, Dimple of the Universe Tennessee. And I’d like to thank my coach Jerry for making me lift more than I want to. He can thank me for his knowledge of women’s bladder control issues. 
  • http://www.gametimesportstn.com/
  • Mammograms-mine is coming. See below for more details under “fear”.

2. Busy-too busy to enjoy the good things! 

  • I am juggling a few dating options currently. I’m too busy for them and they are too busy for me. One reason people remain single is not selfishness, it’s busyness. So what do we do? Don’t give up. Enjoy growing your relationships and attractions by talking on the phone, texting, whatever. Meet for coffee, quick lunches, etc. I have ruined plenty by having this expectation that we should be each other’s world within four weeks. 

3. Fear

  • Try him again: if all goes as planned, I hope to grab drinks with an old flame Derek. It’s disguised as a “catch up” drink, but I’d really like to think that maybe our timing is finally right. And timing meaning my ability to get a way for a few hours tomorrow would be a great start.  
  • I hate tits! And I hate the word tits! But that’s what I’m now calling them. Especially when they cause cancer. Even just the fear of cancer! I’m not 40 yet, and don’t have a family history to qualify to have a mammogram and it qualify under insurance. But hell, I know plenty of people now that could have benefitted from a screening mammogram before 40. While my dear friend awaits a procedure so she can learn more, I’m afraid. I am optimistic of this outcome but this is only the beginning of us being afraid of our bodies. So I’m going to do what I can to take care of mine. This doesn’t mean I’m going to go completely crazy, but don’t be surprised if I smell of essential oils or paying cash for a screening mammograms! 

While there are so many others to list let’s get out there, make some bad decisions and celebrate being Bad Moms. I highly encourage you to watch that trailer. I swear, the writers may or may not have consulted me when making this movie! 

I must give credit where it is due. I have a SnapChat follower @Mook. He is a sports agent I was introduced to through Gary Vaynerchuck @garyvee. He coined the pharse #pissedoffforgreatness after some NFL draft deals didn’t go so well. Highly recommend if you snap…follow @mook. 


Happy Mother’s Day! Now get out there and get pissed off for greatness! 

Is It Better to Burn Out or Fade Away…Current State of Current Relationships

I have recently fired up the online dating again. Thought it would be good to distract me from others I have been thinking of often. So far, I am yet again fairly popular. I have no trouble setting up dates and further more, having good dates. I showed up Monday to one in my workout clothes, ponytail and mostly sweated off make up. And again…success! He loved me. What happens next is what I struggle with the most. These great dates lead to burn outs or the relationships just fade away.

High Fidelty…Is it better to burn out or fade away.

I would really like to know how to keep the momentum going after a great date.  Am I blowing it all on the first date and they are done with me? That’s the burn out. Worse I think is if the momentum continues through multiple dates and then-“fade away”. Conversations change, lose excitement. Tones change, become boring and not even worth my time.

But is it worth my time? Today as I was explaining my frustrations to a work friend, I realized I was describing a relationship that I had been wanting and asking for. I hear from him on a regular basis. We have casual dates on a regular basis. He is caring and smart. He can talk to me and lets me talk.

I may possibly be okay with the current situation if it weren’t for the fact that I feel something is missing. When I was in college and dating my now ex-husband we were hanging out at a friend’s apartment. One of the girls said, “hey-who has my Baby Makin Music CD?” And so it begins…an entire CD solely based on 90’s and early 2000’s R&B. Those old school slow dance or slow “whatever” songs. The ones the boy put on when he drove out to Albert Matthews Road. This is where the girl acting like she didn’t know what was about to go down. “Where are we going?” as she finishes her 2nd Bud Ice. One of my favorites; LL Cool J. “Doin It and Doin It and Doin It Well” Remember this one?

Doin It

Where did that kind of excitement go?

Here’s my point, is it me or is it him or is it us? No sparks and I continue or give up and wait on sparks? And always, always, in the back of my mind-IS THIS WORTH GETTING HURT OVER?

I was driving home tonight, damn Adele came on. When will her music stop being my biography?! The hurt and pain is still there. I survived a damn divorce while I was pregnant! I came out strong and ready to love again. Where did those feelings go? I avoid relationships that matter like a stomach bug!

“If, this is my last night with you, hold me like I’m more than just a friend. Give me a memory I can use. Take me by the hand and do what lovers do. It matters how this ends, cause WHAT IF I NEVER LOVE AGAIN.”-Adele

The Song That Changed My Life?

**I hope to goodness, you click on these links!

NPR’s Pop Culture Happy Hour “Life Changing Songs”

One of my weekly favorites is to listen to NPR’s podcast, Pop Culture Happy Hour. The latest episode featured a segment on “Life Changing Songs” It made me wonder…what song(s) changed my life? When I wrote What’s Your Theme Song?, I was kind of on the same page. Many of those songs are from life changing moments, but really, is there a song, one song, that changed my life. A song that really made me take it all in and change the course of what was happening. This is not a song that just marked a passing in time, this would have to be a directional changed.

I immediately went to Dave Matthews Band. Within a few bars of a melody, I can be in a place and time of joy, love, sadness, regret. The music and lyrics to these works are autobiographical to me. Many have multiple meanings. I knew my life was forever changed when I listened to this one. I was very freshly broken up with my first true love. Grace describes “Adam” as my relationship Utopia. No one has ever put me more in that place of total trust than Adam. Recently, I was trying to explain why it was so easy to love Adam. I had no one else to care for. I was 18, moving to college and he was my world. It is easy to love when you have no other worries in the world. It is easy to love before you grow up and realize that life can really be hard, really be sad and really be devastating. This is terribly hard to explain to people that were fortunate to spend a lifetime with their Utopian loves. If you can take a moment, go back with me…are you there. Remember him or her….I give you Dave Matthews Band  “I’ll Back You Up.”Dave Matthews Band, “I’ll Back You Up” 7.12.2000 For Adam and I, Dave Matthews Band was our band. Most of the 13 shows I’ve seen of DMB, he was there.

With this song I moved on and past him. I moved into adulthood. It may be possible that no relationship will ever be like that one, ever. I had it once, for 3 amazing care free years. I grew up and so did he. He became a wonderful husband, father and professionally successful. I can’t ever put myself in that life with him. We were so young , I don’t think I would have remained “in love” with the adult Adam and to be honest, I don’t think he would have remained in love with me. Sally at 21 is definitely not the Sally at 35+. We all have to grow up sometime, and this song is my growing up song. I realized this when I attended Adam’s father’s funeral. I’ll always back him up, and I know he will always back me up.

The biggest change I ever experienced was becoming a mother. When I was on maternity leave with my oldest, Gilmore Girls came on everyday at 10 am and 3 pm. I still remember rocking her to this. Gilmore Girls Theme.  When my second daughter was born, we watched the Gilmore Girls too. Anytime I think of being a mother to my girls, Lorelai Gilmore is who I most relate to. We are not foreign to making mistakes, we are not foreign to bad timing, and we are most definitely not foreign to our children knowing when our relationships end and what it’s like to be hurt by men. My one true worry, is that they will follow in my footsteps when it comest to love. I want them to love with their whole hearts like I do, but I also want them to keep their hearts close and guard them deeply. That’s the Gilmore Girl mistake. It’s a new process for me, but I believe it is working out for the best.

In the last year, I have had to change my heart to forget someone. Do you know how hard that is? I have to purposefully attempt every day to not think of him. I thought when I wrote him a letter, I could put him past me, but it isn’t that easy. Most days I wonder if I am really trying. The truth is, I have never been able to tell the entire story. You got pieces of it in Break Up Via Selfie…Again? and I’m Gonna Sit Right Down and Write Myself a Letter, but you have no idea. My soul was punched right in the stomach when Joy Williams released this song right about the time…all that happened. Joy Williams, “What A Good Woman Does” I promised never to tell the truth about Cleats, and I never will. Yesterday, that promise was truly tested.

I have spent all week, studying my musical history, and I am at a loss…what song has CHANGED my life? I have plenty that were a part of “changes” but as much as I love music, I can’t put my finger on a song where I heard it and did something different-actually changed my life. I look forward to the one that does…it’s going to be epic and it better be good, real good! As my dear friend, “Shannon” told me this weekend, “I have a feeling you will have everything you need by the time you are 40.” I said, “You realize, that’s in 2 1/2 years, right?”

A Love I Can’t Carry Anymore       

Do not read without watching this:
Only a few times have I been afraid to write…this is one of them. So I’m releasing my vulnerability and going to put this out there.

Last night I stayed up too late waiting on “Hero” to make me breakfast. I mean it was 3 am! And the words started coming out of my mouth…”you know I like him right?”

I have been focused recently on building real friendships, true relationships with people I can trust my truth with. These relationships have brought in people like Hero and the friend who will remain “Nameless”. He has another blog name, but I’m just not that brave right now. This blog is a second step. The first step was when I said it out loud to Hero. These friendships have been amazing as I still struggle with so much that has happened in the last year. Nameless has been there at the end of all of them. And I’ve been there at the end of his too. One night after dinner, the bartender said,”Are you sure you are just friends? I never see him talk to anyone the way he talks to you…and I never see anyone talk to him the way you talk to him.”

So I confessed last night to “Hero” all about it. Why I don’t say anything or do anything because I want to keep our friendship. He made a good point, “what if he feels the same way?” This is where I’m letting my fear get in the way. I can’t make it without him. I don’t want that to show. I’m afraid if he knows, he’ll stop being my friend. I’m too afraid to be without him and not brave enough to be honest with him.

Damn it! I’m a mess. Let’s break for a video while I get it back together.

I don’t know a girl who doesn’t put herself in a  Julie Roberts movie through out her life. I am currently in “My Best Friends Wedding”.

That’s what I was trying to explain to Hero this morning-this never ends well.

I watched Grace go through this…she fell for her best friend and it nearly ruined our group and most definitely their friendship. The group actually disbanded for almost 9 months. I pretend she has forgiven him for hurting her, but if I know Grace she hasn’t. It’s never been what it was before. I can’t risk that, can I? Should I? I’d really like to ask…what happened to Jules and Michael after the wedding?

No one makes me happier. I live for his smile and his laughter. He makes me forget all those who have hurt me.

“Kimmie says, if you love someone, you say it, right then, out loud. Otherwise the moment just passes you by.”

What if Nameless prefers Creme Brûlée and I’m just Jello?