One of my favorite writers and podcast host Linda Holmes from Pop Culture Happy Hour tweeted this week that she dedicated to writing three pages a day. To justify my latest purchase of a new Chromebook is to write more. So here it is, I will be writing something equaling three pages a day. The daily writings may not be publishable, but I will put fingers to keys and write.
Below are my accounts of what has happened in 2019 and ideas of what 2020 could be. My life has many categories. I have used the purpose of this piece to review dating, reading and health. These three seem to be what most resolutions are made of. The truth is, these are not my resolutions. I will entertain you as though they are.
My Dating Life
What is my current dating status? Really. I am asking. Because, I don’t know. I see people. Yep, that is a plural. Not on a regular basis, but there are dates. These dates are black and white. When you try to state the status, that is very, very gray. A status alteration requires a change to the previous status and in ten years there are no changes to speak of. Even when one would think I was “in a relationship” those were not true, life long relationships. These were more fluctuations in the activities of the heart or brain. Or; body parts in other systems other than cardiac or neuro.
My Reading Life
I fell in love with reading, book club, which leads to Goodreads and a “to be read list”. Weekly listening to Ann Bogel’s podcast What Should I Read Next and my first personal reading challenge of 2019. I set my goal at 12 books in a year. I am happy to report that I read 18 books in 2019. I look forward to setting my 2020 reading challenge goal at of course, 20!
This year, I read 18 books with a goal of 12. By the way, that equals 6,784 pages. I read most of these on Audible. I am not confessing in shame but in success. You can research it yourself and find that the same part of your brain that is used for listening as it is reading on page or screen.
Some other statistics. Most pages read was The Shell Seekers by Rosmunde Pilcher, Shortest book is Searching for Sunday…most impactful.
Some of my favorites; Becoming by Michelle Obama, City of Girls by Elizabeth Gilbert and Searching for Sunday by Rachel Held Evans. Not so grand: Three Women by Lisa Taddao, Face It by Debbie Herry, Night Tiger by Yangshe Choo.
To start the 20 for 20, I have plenty to chose from. Goodreads tells me I have 292 to chose from. Sheesh, someone likes to shop on Goodreads. (Pointing finger at myself.) Thank goodness that Goodreads doesn’t charge me for T.B.R.
I thought about starting with Nothing to See Here by Kevin Wilson. When I looked this up and sampled it, I am still interested, but not ready for it right now.
I will begin with Queen Bee by Dorothea Benton Frank. Frank, passed away unexpectantly in 2019. She is a a southern literary heroine especially of the low country specifically. This is an area of the south I long to visit and I will one day. Surely there is a tour of the areas she writes about.
At first I had chosen Jonathan Tropper’s One Last Thing Before I Go. It had been on my list since 2012 so why not. Then I sampled it. It will remain on the T.B.R. list for a minute or two longer.
I don’t have a third. So if you would like to recommend a few titles, that would be greatly appreciated.
Healthy “Survival”
This is the heaviest I have ever been. Everyday has and will be the heaviest I have ever been. Everyday, I feel the fat creeping around my neck and it is beginning to choke me. I have sleep apnea. Having an affair with Darth Vader is not all it’s cracked up to be. My last blood work results indicate that I am a borderline diabetic. To remedy or face these issues head on, I have decided to continue to eat. Because if I quit eating then I will die. Eating is a big deal, because if one doesn’t eat, one can not sustain. At this point I don’t feel I deserve food, but I am hungry. My attempts to lose weight have resulted in little victories and huge setbacks. To the point that I have a fear of dieting due to the weight I will gain within the dieting process. I understand the calorie intake, calorie output. I want to have a nutritionally rich diet. I am happier there.
In the next few months, I will go to see a surgeon to discuss weight loss surgery. I understand the risk and the changes I will have to make. It will alter the rest of my days on earth. What will it do to my relationships, my family, my health. I want to state this clearly. I do not want to be thin. I want to fit comfortably back in a size12. Maybe a 10. To get there, I will need to lose 70 pounds. 70 POUNDS! Maybe I can have one M&M a month this way.
Mental Health, I Am Very Aware.
On top of my physical health, even more worrisome is the change in my mental health. For some time, I have battled small periods of time with depression. This year anxiety was added to the list. My first ever panic attack happened on a Sunday afternoon. I was trying to finish unpacking during our most recent move. I was running out of room. I didn’t have anywhere else to put anything else. I began to panic. I started to sweat, breathing rapidly, my heart began to race. Next thing I was aware of, I was laying in my bed screaming that I couldn’t breath. My face was as hot as I ever recall it being. It wasn’t getting better. What made it worse, I didn’t realize until later that my youngest had come by the house with her half sister and heard me screaming. I scared them. I scared myself. I finally found comfort laying on the floor. I didn’t feel that while I was able to finally unpack, my panic hadn’t decreased. It was only muted. I found my way back to therapy and back on medication.
I continue to struggle. It feels that I am the only one trying. I have made the necessary changes to hopefully “get better”, but no one else around me acknowledges my efforts. In fact, they do the opposite. They behave worse triggering my sadness and anxieties. I don’t want to numb frustrations and allow bad behavior to continue. I think they thought my issues were the issues, but were they? Around the corner for me is a dosage increase.
Social Annoyance
I have discovered that I do not have social anxiety. I have something worse. I have social annoyance. I will have to speak to my therapist about this. I find that the simple task of socializing annoys me. Tonight I met a good friend for happy hour. We had a lovely time. That wasn’t annoying. No one bothered us, but I feared that we would be constantly interrupted by those we didn’t intend to spend time with. That is what has been happening recently. I attribute this to my previous kind nature and willingness to be a friend to all. Is that over? Am I tired of being a friend. The efforts to be a friend to all can be exhausting. I was happier when I was more accepting of other’s company. Most of the time these meetings are short. Formerly, I would just be patient for it to end, knowing that it would. However, recently the ending is not in sight. The conversations go on, the ridiculousness continues and my patience wanes. I have made rude comments to them, rolled my eyes and held a facial experience that expresses anything but joy. Their presence in mine continues. To my social life’s detriment, I have found a way to avoid such potential encounters. I will not leave my house again. No, that won’t do. I believe the answer is to shrink my circle and find ways to make outtings more meaningful. I will inquire about guest lists to avoid the possible unwanted encounters. Does anyone else feel this is very snobby? Me too. However, for my sanity, we will try this. Now I realize that this goes against my enneagram type as a seven. After some time I may need to retake that personality profile. Going forward, my public presence will have purpose. Unless, of course, if the therapist has another idea.
Two and three quarters pages….this will do for a first go of it! I am back baby!
Sex and the Motherhood 