A Cougar’s Tale: I Wasn’t Smart Enough To Date You When I Was That Age

I assumed our age would make a difference, but no matter the clues I gave, you still asked me on a date. When I finally got up the nerve to ask your age and my response was “Fuck”, politely placed under my breath. And you, just smiled. No matter, you were a delight and so I agreed to see you again. 

Seeing you again was like a breath of fresh air. I also liked how you enjoyed a night at home. Movie, dinner couch time. One of the best. Dinner, drinks, a movie at home. 

The kicker…what got me going for you, was you wanted to watch baseball with me. That meant more to me than anything. 

Of course we ended up for the same team. Me for the Indians because I was a respectable Cardinals fan and the Indians had been your team since childhood. I haven’t had anyone to watch baseball with since Cleats. And through the post season, we watched your team make it to the World Series. 

It wasn’t their year, but in the end I enjoyed every moment of us watching and talking about baseball with you. And, basketball. Can’t wait for March Madness. 

Then there was the election. Still the election. What a rollercoaster? Again, our team didn’t win. You were so invested in her campaign, even so much more than me. We licked our wounds like most of the country and prepared for “the shit show” as we call it now. 

We finally discussed what our expectations were for the relationship. Mine were to enjoy the time with you and see where it goes. Yours were the same. Except, your final intention was to get married and have a family, “with someone who doesn’t have any children. I want my own family.” Once I realized the romantic relationship was finite, I checked out, and you did too. I totally agree with you and know when I was 25 I wouldn’t have imagined ending up with someone 12 years older and already had children. But when I was 25, I would have passed on you sadly. 

I was never as mature as you are now at 25. Never as motivated and driven. Never stuck to my beliefs and instincts. It’s terribly sad to realize, but our timing was off. I’m not sure who is ahead and who is behind. Even a 25 year old Sally would have missed you completely. 

I always wondered why women and men go younger? I know now. It’s a piece of our past we enjoyed. My family had already began at 25, but that time of life is amazing. “It’s all happeneing” some say. For you it definitely is. 

This experience has taught me not to count out any age guy. You may remember that night we talked about “how old could you go?” You asked me so I told you when I was 36, I went out with a 58 year old. You were shocked. 

“That’s too old.” He said.

“What?” I said. “It’s just 22 years older.”

“Yeah”, you said. “That’s a bit much.”

“Yes, we are aware how you feel on the subject.” 


Here’s what I am most thankful for. My new friend. We didnt break up, we evolved. We still talk daily, now that the romance is gone. We can even hangout and you are almost in the bromance, if you want to be. I enjoy you so much…so much more than I ever did when we were dating. And believe me, I enjoyed you then. 

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She Walked Home Crying in the Rain (The Story of When I Failed at Girl Code)

I don’t think I can apologize enough. I could plead ignorance, because I honestly didn’t know…but this is my confession of when I failed at girl code.

I have recently had a refreshing break from my girls this past week. While enjoying very quiet mornings, not cooking, limited laundry, working late and going to work late; I may have missed them a little bit. The other side of the coin is that I had a lot of time to hangout with “the guys.” I really don’t know how my circle of strong girlfriends has now morphed into “Grace” and “the guys”. Dated to Death, along with “Yogattorney” and “Hunt”. (I’ll get to “Hunt” in a minute.)

The Dimple of the Universe recently had an amazing event, our first music festival. In my post What’s Your Theme Song? I dove deep into my my musical “rabbit hole”. I also love to add music to my blogs.I freakin love music!  At the festival I spent the majority of my day with “The Guys” and my friends “Jam” and “The Canadian” and their husbands. “Hunt” was a new addition to the group. Honestly, I was glad he was there. I had seen him around, wanted to meet him, but he’s one of those that I needed a reason to meet. I want to take a moment and share some of the awesome music we heard in our “Dimple of the Universe.”

FireKid

Sam Lewis

18 South with John Oates

Damien Boggs and the Proper Villians

I really want to keep going….

Anyway, all that great music turned into a very, very, very long night and then…”I’m too old for this!” the following morning.

The rest of the week has flown by, but all week its bugged me, should I talk to “Hunt” more? We had a great time at the festival, de was out Wednesday and we texted through the week, but I just wasn’t sure. Well, luckily I didn’t have to decide last night…it was me and “The Guys” again. Oh…thank heaven that my girlfriend “Jam” was there too. My Cardinals were playing, the makings for a good night were all there. “Jam” and I sat at the bar talking…well she talked…I watched the Cardinals beat the Cubs. The night went on, and on. More fun by the moment. “Dated to Death” was actually on a date. Want to talk about fun, watching someone you’ve dated on a date.  “Yogattorney” headed on home and “Jam” did too. So here we are, finally. Me and “Hunt”.

Now, let me go ahead and explain the kind of girl I am. I’ll go to the mattresses for a girl. This is one of the top five things I hope my girls will learn from me. madeline albrightBest friend or stranger, it makes no difference. We all need a shoulder to cry on, someone to pick us up when we are down. And last night, a girl needed a stranger to help with her lipstick and dry her tears. That was me. The stranger. I was just trying to use the lady’s room real quick and head back out to hangout with “Hunt”. But, she was a mess and in need. She was trying to put her hair in a ponytail, which was making it worse. I had seen her, well heard her, in the ladies room crying earlier, but she had one of her girlfriends with her that time. This time, she was solo until I walked in. I came out of the stall with a little more knowledge of what was happening. “He is just so mean. What did I do? Why doesn’t he like me?”  she said as I washed my hands. I got real honest. “I’m not here to judge, but honey, you came out tonight in your work out clothes and now you are attempting a bad pony tail and mascara is running down your face.” By this point, I am fully involved. I’m in her Louis Vuitton pulling out all the necessary requirements to clean her up. She selected an almost non existent lip color. I had to convince her that a darker color may distract from the fact that her eyes are now swollen shut from crying and I can’t get most of the running mascara off. We teased her hair a bit. The higher the hair, the closer to God…and she needed a little saving grace at this point. I also convinced her to take her jacket off. Girl had some cleavage in her tank and like I said, we needed to distract from the mess she was. “Now, honey”, I said. “I don’t know the story, but more than likely you are too good for him, but I can tell you are really into him. So I’ll walk you back out there and if you want to talk to him you go right ahead. But might I recommend a walk out. You keep your head high, chest out and eyes off of him and walk out! Do you need a ride? I can give you a ride?” She declines, explaining that she lives close enough and walked here. We walk out together, my arm around her. She is still crying. Its like a faucet that is on constant drip. The bar manager, who is a dear friend of mine, “Grommit”, catches my eye. He is concerned about her. We stop and talk for a second. I explain our plan and he offers to take her home, because now, it is raining. She again, declines, but now she has caught the eye of the guy who has got her torn up and we are back at the beginning. I encourage her to go home, get some sleep, but she is hysterical. It gets worse by the second. She is three moves a way from a full blown break down right here. “Grommit’s” eyes are getting bigger along with her hysterics. I’m at a loss. I know how to handle my friends and they can handle me, but I don’t know this girl and I’m just so sorry for her now.

I’ve been there, we’ve all been there. It’s hard, it’s really, really hard. Her soul is tortured at this point and “Grommit” and I have to get her out of here. She agrees and exits extremely dramatically into the rain and makes a left on the sidewalk. It is pouring like her tears outside. “Grommit” and I shrug it off. I start to explain what was happening in the bathroom and “Hunt” walks over. Thank heaven! This whole ordeal had taken at least 30 minutes. I’m surprised he is still here. When I went to the ladies room it was get ready to ‘go’ with “Hunt”.

“What the hell were you doing in there with her?” Hunt asks. I explained an abbreviated version and how it basically it boiled down to an asshole she was crying over. “Grommit” starts to laugh…”You don’t have a clue do you?”

“She’s crazy! She’s been calling, texting and sending me mean ass texts for months. Every time she sees me, she ends up crying and I never did a thing to her but watch football one night at her house.” I look at “Grommit” after “Hunt” explains how he is the “asshole” she’s been crying over all night!

The guilt starts to overwhelm me! She had been crying over the guy I wanted to hang out with all night. All my pity for her was for the one I was interested in. What in the world is the universe trying to tell me? I was trying to mend the heart of the girl, “Hunt” had broken. Knowingly or not he has a guilty part in this. I realize I am not going to get the truth from either one of them and now I had to decide…do I continue with “Hunt” tonight or take my walk in the rain alone too.

I may have made the wrong decision…I may have made the right one. I feel like I did this morning, both. I am completely torn. I’ll see “Hunt” soon and more than likely that girl again. She may or may not hate me too at that point. I hope she will remember my attempt to help and not that I was sitting with “Hunt” after she left and possibly the next time I’m out with “The Guys” including “Hunt”. If I am lucky, maybe our paths will never cross again, but here in the “Dimple” that is highly unlikely. The universe is hillarious. I bet you a dollar, she’ll be behind me in the Kroger next time I go.

We Should Be Ashamed!

LOVE

It’s Sunday and it’s beautiful. So much joy and beauty to be celebrating, but I am so angry right now I could spit nails! I just left a church service where I found myself holding and praying with a dear friend who is watching her marriage crumble. Her pain and suffering sent me into this rage. I am angry at her husband whose addiction caused this pain. It also makes me extremely ashamed! I am ashamed that I didn’t honor my relationships. I had so much opportunity to be a better part of them, I threw it all away. Also, I have not honored and respected others while seeking my own selfish joys and satisfaction. In the past 72 hours the hypocrisy of beliefs and heterosexuals around the world has become so apparent to me.

Since the beginning of time, the straight relationships have been given all the glory. Humans wrote vows uniting men and women for generations; even eternity. Modern society adopted their legalization of these unions to fit our needs and no other relationship has been honored until Friday, June 26th. This is when the Supreme Court of the United States of America ruled that all unions will be recognized by the federal and state governments. Many homosexual couples headed straight to court offices all over the country to obtain a license to marry. When I went and got my marriage license, this was no big deal. But can you imagine, finally being able to legally unite with the one you cherish above all others being granted.

What do straight people do?  We mock marriage, we lie, hurt and ruin relationships. We cheat and disavow the very right we have taken for granted. We allow people to treat us unfairly. Men and women alike are committing acts of adultery even as I write this. These actions take place at work, phone conversations, texting, Tinder, Facebook, Kik, hotel rooms, cars, even in the bedrooms we share with another.

And what about the innocent bystanders like my friend. The one who is begging for answers and crying out that she wants her reality, even if it may have been fake, back! What about those who we have loved who have moved on but we carry feelings for them that never seem to waiver? What about the number of men and women who are deceiving complete strangers? This is the end of my rope on the subject. I will no longer tolerate being a part of your lies and your wretched example of what love is.

My first incident with lowering my standards was my relationship with Derek. Our first relationship he was single, well as far as I knew. Our two year on and off again, did involve his unresolved remarriage to his wife not once, but twice. My guilt was shadowed for my selfish thought that I was doing the right thing and when it was all over, we would be together. It never happened. His ability to lie to her should have showed me, he could lie to me too. It was some time before I was placed back in that situation again.

The phenomenon of me being “the other woman” didn’t begin until I started using Tinder. One of my first conversations involved a request to talk off Tinder by using either Kik or Snapchat. I was so naive. I mean, come on…I am smarter than this. Why couldn’t I have his number and why didn’t I hear from him in the “after work” hours. His communication with me started at 6:30 am and would carry on until 4:00-5:00 pm. Then he started asking to meet me for lunch. Finally, it came out. He was married. Disgust, horror, shame, this is how I felt. It happened numerous times then I finally figured out their game. Most recently, a very promising candidate gave me a fake last name…so I couldn’t find him on Facebook. He would say, “but I can see your stuff.” My response, “well send me a friend request…” Crickets now for about a week and a half.

How about the one you are friends with and his girlfriend?

“But you can’t kiss me… what about Mary(This is a Gilmore Girls reference).”

“But I’ve always wanted to kiss you. For years!”

Possibly the fact that I am not a “Mary” is what this was all about.

I got fed this line about how the relationship was all in “her” head and had been “off” for months. I believed him and we started dating, but only Monday through Thursday. See Mary traveled for work and came back to town. The first time he ignored me in public, I was hurt, honestly hurt.  This was on a weekend get a way with a group of friends. He explained, the opportunity to discuss with Mary just wasn’t convenient and the plans for her to attend were already set. “She had been looking forward to this trip for months, I hated to disapoint her and explain I was involved with you. And don’t worry, we have separate rooms.” What was his attempt at reassurance. The next week was the same, he and I until Thursday. I grew tired of it after a few weeks. Then I just got mad! I still am…especially when I still see them together. Was he lying to me or is he still lying to her? I do know he is lying to himself.

Then there are those we can’t let go of. The ones we think about, dream about and is dangerous as it is, even still talk to. Marco was caring, kind and a good person. But our worlds were heading in two total different directions. I called it off pretty quick, but we had the occasional re-connection over time. Then he met a really great girl and they moved in together. For sometime, I didn’t hear from him at all. Then it was the occasional, ‘hello’, ‘how are you?’ text. Then he asked to see me.

“Why, why do you need to see me.”  I ask

“There is something I still need from you.” he says

What is it about people that we only need pieces of? All of us, are whole beings. and the uniting of two whole people is so amazing. But what is  missing from one seemingly whole being, that we think another person has that the other doesn’t. The connection we long and search for in our actions of infidelity is not something we find in the other person, it is something we are looking for that is missing from ourselves. The one we are in relationship with doesn’t have it and the one we seek secretly certainly doesn’t contain it either.

If you want to deep dive into the current state of infidelity, check out Esther Perel’s Ted Talk.

Will the ruling giving all Americans the right to marriage make it any more of a mockery than it already is? I believe that the unity of more people, no matter the origin of their love, gives relationships strength. It gives me hope! All of these stories have set a tone to what I consider the future state of love is for humanity…and it’s not good. What happened on Friday, may have changed my perspective. Because not one of the stories above have done anything to strengthen the current state of marriage and relationships in our society. Let us try to love more and judge less.

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Peace to You All,

Sally

Celebrating Singlehood and Reclaiming the Word ‘Spinster’

Longreads

Jessica Gross | Longreads | April 2015 | 19 minutes (4,797 words)

In 2011, Kate Bolick charted the sea change in our cultural attitudes toward marriage in her Atlantic piece, “All the Single Ladies.” Interweaving personal experience—she was 39 and single at the time—with reporting, Bolick posited that we are marrying later or not at all, with many women exercising their ability to have children without partners or, again, not at all.

The piece generated a huge response. In Bolick’s new book, Spinster: Making a Life of One’s Own, she approaches single adulthood from a slightly different angle. The book is part memoir: Bolick describes breaking away from a serious, cohabitating relationship in her late twenties, exploring her ambivalence about partnership, and wholly reconsidering her view of marriage. Along the way, she presents the stories of her five “awakeners,” the historical single women who shaped her…

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Multi Tasking May Lead To Turtlenecks

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First…Wow! Sex and The Motherhood has had 3500+ views since January 2, 2015. My recent post, “Break Up Via Selfie” is mostly responsible for that. Luckily, your support has helped me through a rough patch and I continue to appreciate all the kindness and positive thoughts you are sending my way.

Second…I continue my Facebook hiatus. I didn’t realize what a soul sucker it could be. By the way, I LOVE Facebook! My profile has been active since 2008. I have used it in a number of ways. Community events, political, work, children, family, divorce, break ups, friends, friends, and more friends! But lately, I am again and again nearly overwhelmed with the amount of content and time that is placed on Facebook. As I continue to spend more/less time on social media, I would like to encourage you to do the same. There are so many other great things to spend or waste time on. One I adore is Podcast. Pop Culture Happy Hour and Serial (which I am starting tomorrow) are really really awesome! Twitter is not so scary and can contain knowledge filled content along side posts that are a whole lot of fun! If you want to knock your socks off, check out Vine! Most of these you can find on Facebook, shared or embedded under a million other things but now you are going to its source minus Facebook terrorists. Then the best way to use the internet…read a blog like this one. Follow the ones you like best (cough, cough Sex and the Motherhood). Following your favorite blogs is the best way to stay on top of the latest post.

I had the pleasure of having burgers and beers with some of the best ladies in the world recently.  Wasting time on guys and dating can send you into a tizzy for sure! We spend so much time being proud of multitasking that we don’t really focus on anything anymore. I can tell you all day long that my sweet girls or work is my main focus, but our use of social media, TV, and other distractions can lead to a whirlwind of chaos and less focus on anything at all! But on this night…these ladies were focused on eachother. Many questions revolving around our daily activities, discussion of a friend’s recent acceptable divorce settlement, abnormal pap smears, this blog AND its aftermath, I mean success. Birthdays, upcoming social events, yoga class, moving. I could keep going. The most important part, we laughed! Loud and hard!

Discussing multi-tasking reminds me of a time where my multitasking sent me back to a common high school situation! I met Knox on Tinder. Super cute and very confident. The disappointing part of Tinder is that you know how close you are to the person in miles, but unless they put it on their profile you don’t know where they live. When Knox showed up on my list, he was within my 40 mile max. When we matched we started texting fairly quickly, I was terribly disappointed when I found he spends most of his time more than 400 miles away. His work brings him close during the week. And you get a 50/50 shot that a single dad has the same free weekends as you…and as luck would have it, we didn’t have similar schedules at all. With all this, momentum continued to build. We really wanted to meet. Both of us had a feeling, we could hit it off. After long talks and texts he was going to be in my area and wanted to meet. Girlies would be gone and all was well, except one big problem. My sparkles were out….bad. What I mean is, I needed to get my roots done. I will meet a guy in yoga pants, but I will not meet a guy while my sparkles are out! I got an appointment asap, but the only time I could go was the day I was supposed to meet Knox! To top it off, laundry and a few other things at home needed to happen as well. Time to turn it on Momma! -I went directly home from work. It was 4:30 pm.

-laundry in
-Ran to hairdresser-color on…two hours later
-Trip to grocery
-Back home, another load in
-Shower
-Load out/Load in
-Make up and hot outfit

Bam! Momma is on her way with 15 minutes to spare. On target to meet at 9 pm? Wait, I go to bed at 10 pm and I will miss my binge watching of Bravo/E! Oh well, gotta live a little right? And what harm is there? I am 15 mins from my house and he is 25 from his hotel.

We were meeting for drinks since it was late and he had a dinner already planned for work. The anticipation to meet Knox had grown to an exciting level. When he arrived I was not disappointed. He was tall, at least 6’2″. Knox called me every morning after he worked out, and now I could see he wasn’t just “saying” he was in the gym. Two drinks later, we realized we were the only ones left and it was creeping on 11 pm. Both of us had  busy days ahead so we decided it was time to go.

Knox proved he was working on the gentleman award when he asked to walk me to my car. When we got there, we spoke for a bit then when I thought the kiss was coming; “Can you drive me to my car? It’s just right over there.” Well okay. We drove over to his car. Spoke a few more minutes.  He reached for my hand, then he kissed my hand and then he kissed me. Then I realized; oh, oh no…I am making out in a car!

Prior to college, I spent some time in a car and to be honest, so did you! Either Snopp Dogg or Dave Matthews Band playing in the back ground. Nothing good happened after my curfew, so my parental units said- that’s why I had one. However, I was always home on time. Well, usually.  Nevertheless, I never got comfortable “parking” and I hadn’t gotten over it.

I think the next few some what words that came out of my mouth were, “Ummm, Yeah, Nah, Wait, Oh my…hold on” When it stopped, I immediately realized that the windows were already fogged up. (Embarrassing)

“Do you want me to follow you to your house or do you want to come back with me?” he said. I’m going to be completely honest with you. At the point we came back up for air it was 11:45 pm. I had a 15 minute drive back home. Then… What time would I finally get to sleep? “No, I am sorry, I should really be going.”

I am 75% sorry I made that decision. I never saw Knox again. There were many discussions regarding another date, but our schedules were so crazy that it never happened. Okay, I am 85% sorry that I made that decision. Now, nearly 90%. Would a night with little to no sleep have killed me?

I was home right at midnight. Following a few nice, ‘did you make it home okay?’ ‘I had a really great time.’ ‘Wish I could kiss you again.’ texts from Knox, I made my way to my pajamas. Alone, again! I look in the mirror to put my hair up for the night.

Wait…what’s that? Is that a…? I hung my head…I hope I can find my turtleneck in the morning!